emotional carcass
everytime i come back only to blog i just face a blank screen, without wanting to remove the bad things inside me that are dying to come out. I'm confused, on one hand it's not advisable for us to let other people know about the bad things happening in our lives, and we're suposed to face these things with a stronger heart. but i don't believe in facades. I suppose the best is to kinda make it a sharing session, where you're not really complaining, but you're trying to figure things out. As this is gonna be sorta a solemn post, if you're not ready to read it, fine, but don't tell me you left, otherwise i'd think you don't care, which you might not in the first place, here to just get some gossip or scorn at the lives of others you think are worse off than you are, and then I wouln't care less about a person whom I can't call a friend in the first place. -haha, ok whatever lah, i'm just in that kinda mood. you can leave if you want. ok moving on!-
i think it's the time of the sem where everyone is pushing themselves to the limits cause it's just the last stretch until the end of the semester. I'm not complaining.
okay, I'd get to the point. See, ever since I as far back as I remember, I keep getting these bouts of depression. Of course, in contrast to that, I can feel extremely happy and contented with life at times. You may think it's normal, and maybe it is, but what bothers me is that my depression severely affects me, it paralyses me to the point that I can never do anything when I'm in that state. And you know what's the worst part? I'm usually depressed over things that I could not control. About a racist comment I overheard, about guys not going to friday prayers at the mosque when there's absolutely no reason for them not to go, I was even depressed once about a song written for American Idol2. It was during start of the Iraq war, and the producers wrote the song "I'm proud to be an American" for the finalists to sing. I found the song positively twisted. Here you are trying to get innocuous American citizens to run the political agenda, and they're all so positively sure that what they're doing is for the best of others living 476000 million miles away. It made me sick.
I finally figured it out sometime recently. I've always had this perfect worldview that I've stuck to for thus long. Just ask any of my close friends, they'll think I'm cuckoo when I turn all philosophical, but of course the true ones view it as a strength of mine :) And it bothers me when this world view is not enforced in society/real life/print telling me the news/etc.
And recently, I don't even think about this world view anymore. I'm just letting live and let live. And somehow I feel like I've lost part of me, being so unbelievably rationale and non-idealistic.
So that's my challenge. How to balance this one out..I think the best way is to have your own personal views which you don't try to impose on others but work through in your dealings with people, and in going about the dealings in life. And if I really can't afford to be idealistic and have to face the facts, then it's time to compromise, maybe I can still do the things I wanna do, but maybe just not the way I'd imagined it to be. The idea is to change, while still sticking to your essential self.
The important thing is to strive and push myself until the very limits or the end, which ever comes first.
Verily, with every difficulty, there is relief.
For lose not heart, nor fall into despair, for ye must gain mastery if ye are true in faith.
*phew* thank you for sitting through the pep talk I wanted to give myself.
now for an inspirational song!
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