Blood runs deep...

Everyone has problems.
So quit with all the whining, Aisyah. I mean there are a million and one people in Afghanistan who are homeless, tons of kids in Africa with no parents and dying of HIV and young women in Aceh being subjected to God knows what...

Yes, yes.

But those closest to me have always had conflicting ideas of the most basic.

Dearest DeLa,

Everyone just wants you to fit in the mould. The mould our parents have designed for us. The mould they perceive their kids should be.

I know it's difficult. Especially with siblings like yours. All-accomplishing. It's rather terrorising, isn't it? To be the bottomline for comparison. To feel a sense of empathy, you turn to people worse off than you.

People who have real problems.

People who's parents have enough problems coping themselves let alone listen to their kids. People who are neglected and uncared for. The empathise better, don't they, these people with REAL problems.

But are all your problems the same?


What is it exactly that makes you think they's understand you better than your own family?

I just blame myself for not being able to explain to you the mould that's been created for us.

Truthfully, you make me question all the presumptions.

I just hope it's not too late before I find the answers and explain them to you.

Please take care of yourself.

Love,
Your anti-thesis at the moment.

Couldn't resist putting this on...

I Hope you Dance

I hope you never lose your
sense of wonder
Get your fill to eat but
always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for
granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty
handed

I hope you still feel small
when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes
I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a
fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or
dance

I hope you
dance...
I hope you
dance...

I hope you'll never fear
those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of
least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
but they're worth taking
Loving might be a mistake
but its worth making

Don't let some hurting heart leave
you bitter
If you come close to settling out
reconsider
Give the heavens more
than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out
or dance

I hope you dance...(time it's a reel-in constellation)
I hope you dance...(Always going oh so long)
(Tell me do once, as you look back you'll see,you'll wonder where those years have gone...)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance...
I hope you dance...


Heard this song last sem when I was staying in hostel and missing my family one morning. It's a very parental song:)

The Ronan Keating's version is nicer and more heart-felt coz tt's dedicated to his daughter:)

The way things are

I haven't been mugging for the last few days.

OK, OK, stop screaming at me already.

Truthfully, I only have three papers (took 2 non-examinable modules), and one of which is open book.

And yes, I am as worried as you think I should be. Somewhat.


But actually kan, KAN, I just can't get myself to concentrate on my books.

And for once I know why. I need what I study to be applied to my real life. As in, immediately, directly, what I can see before me. Or at least a reason for me to study. Cause if you tell me it's just to get that freaking A, I won't buy it. My brain will just shut down under the pressure and I'll freeze. Ok, maybe I've been spoiling it all the while, but I kinda like the way I've been living my life thus far. Searching, searching for a reason, to learn, to live. I can't live with external pressure. It has to come from within. And coz of tt, I have to make sure tt everything I learn will be applied to real life. Or rather, vice versa. With a greater cause tt I have in mind, the stuff I learn will be put into place. *phew* I'm so glad I finally let the whole world know tt.

Oh, I'm serious abt the research in the prev post. Yani!! Zati!! Dee! Sya, Su, Marlini(if u guys stumble over my blog)Ilda! Maybe we could research more into the stuff tt's in the liquids in the dog and pig and come up with a scientific answer and then can send the report in to MUIS then they can let the whole Muslim community know abt it. hehe. Well, it's a small dream :) So how abt it guys?

Barbie and her little poodle

Morning everyone!!!

Went for a walk ard the neighbourhood this morning. It's always fun to get lost and discover new passages. One day if you bother to come down to tanah merah mrt at 7.30am i'll show you ard(wherever ard means). Anyways, my goal is always to get lost and turn up in front of the pretty pink houses in the centre of the kew estate.

Okay anyhows, while walking came across this middle aged balding guy with his poodle. I mean, the dog barely came up to my calf area, but i kinda slowed my pace and watched the owner carefully, as usual. The owner glared back slightly menancingly, and I evened the stare. For a moment I felt like Rosa Parks, by not giving up the pathway to this man and his dog. (ok lah, a bit extreme, but I mean, waddaheck, it's a free country, why dont you be a gentleman and give way to me??)But I conceeded in the end.

Okay, points being:
1) Why do Muslims have to feel so threatened by the presence of a dog? I mean, all we can't do is to touch their wet areas-ie, the mouth and the genitals. The essence of the dog being an animal that deserves equal treatment as other animals is even more important. Why can't we touch it's fur (provided it's dry of saliva), pet it nicely, even play with it provided tt we clean ourselves up if we ever come into contact with the saliva or gential areas(-which would be unlikely, i mean, eww why would u go touching tt part in the first place?)

The fact is, my fren, tt we've been imbibed with a sense of fear for the animal itself since young. "Jgn dekat anjing, nanti najis"-wasn't tt what ur parents used to say? ok, they had their well-sounded concerns, but at the same time as we grew we tended to treat the dog as an animal tts subservient to reasonable treatment. I mean, imagine a grp of malay girls shrieking and making a big fuss when a tiny chihuahua walks past under the HDB block. What kind of impression does it give the owner, the people around them? That Muslims don't treat dogs very well and respect them as animals.

I think it's really to such an extent tt we need to educate these young kids at madrasahs, the issue of what's our stand towards dogs. As in, how to treat them and how to deal with them, what to do if a dog comes running up to you. (You don't shriek and run away with the dog catchin up fast behind.)I realised while trying to avoid another dog tt was coming near to me tt i didn't know how to approach it nicely. With barking dogs (tt are under restraint) its easy, just go "shhhhhhhht" like a teacher in a classroom, and if tt doesnt work, just go "oh, shuttup lurh". Trust me, they'll understand.
So what I'm suggesting is, an ethics towards dogs class. Esp coz dogs happen to be a favourite pet of other races in Singapore. I mean, this ignorance tt leads to extreme avoidance of the animal can't really be tolerated in a multi-racial society like ours right, esp since it really is an animal tt desrves equal respect as other animals.

2) What exactly is it tt Muslims can't touch (ok, the wet parts, saliva and the genitals) but why? What bacteria persists within these liquids tt are so harmful to us? Capnocytophagia canimorsus- is one bacteria found in the saliva of dogs tt can cause serious health problems (with 25% leading to death) esp if you've lost your spleen(cause ure immunocompromised and weak). Many other types of bacteria are also found in dog(as well as cat) bites.

-Predominantly a-hemolytic strep, staph sp. (which is also found in heart of pigs)
-Aerobic- Corynebact., Pasteurella mult.
-Anaerobic- Bacteroides, peptococcus, Fusobacterium
-Capnocytophagia canimorsus- GNR, splenectomy pts.
(just some names of bacteria ripped off the net, will research if i have the time)

ok, thing is pathogenic and harmful bacteria can be found everywhere and in all organisms. But for some distict reason, the bacteria and other microorganisms found in dogs and pigs as animals are strongly brought up in the Quran to prevent Muslims from being in contact with them. Above are a few, and more research still has yet to be done.

Oh and abt the man, he walked back ard and we exchanged "GOOD MORNINGS!!" hehe. Albeit a bit ultrahyper for so early in the morning. but anyway, all's well.

i love my blog

Usually when i write, it comes out all salient and peaceful. But i guess it comes after hours of pondering. so yeah, the thought process has been carefully extracted out of this posts tt i have here. Anyway, my new mission for blogging would be to tell stories tt i usually cant just tell about anyone. Ironic as it may seem, it would be a little impersonal, distant from my reality as i might see it from my own eyes, but in truth, it couldnt be even more closer to heart. :)

And yes, unlike many other blogs i havent posted a single thing on raya.

Well, raya this year was great! it was better than last year in many aspects. The spiritual aspect as well as the spirit on the day itself. And thanks to my first younger sister, who brought home a kenangan manis tt would last for many rayas to come, and made it extra unique on the day itself. Plus well, everything went as planned. And yes, I had a new tudung style which made it more special. hehe. so yea, inside out covered somewhat. :)

but have to respect my dad's request for privacy and not divulge all our family photos on my blog. somehow he's very opposed to that, no not coz of religion n he believes gurls shudden be on display, nothing like tt. But coz he's just a private person, plus he's scared of people rippin off our faces and pasting them on nude bodies. for some really distant reason. but well, as strange as tt might sound, gotta respect it. anyhows i dont really want people scrutinising every bit of my face online.

ok, gtg back to watching LOSt with ma peeps.

and oh, I wont discuss anything to do with stuff tt im doing my real life concerning people tt im not close to..hehe. so don't think u can rip anything off abt urself here!

You Lost Cause of a nice Memory

Sheila On 7


Dan

Dan...
Bila esok datang kembali
Seperti sedia kala dimana kau bisa bercanda
Dan...
Perlahan kaupun, lupakan aku
Mimpi burukmu
Dimana t'lah kutancapkan duri tajam
Kaupun menangis, menangis sedih
Maafkan aku...

Dan...
Bukan maksudku, bukan inginku
Melukaimu sadarkah kau di sini 'kupun terluka
Melupakanmu, menepikanmu
Maafkan aku

Lupakanlah/caci maki saja diriku
Bila itu bisa membuatmu kembali bersinar
Dan berpijar seperti dulu kala


I guess it wont hurt to know the truth. Or maybe it really will, come to think of it.
But whether that's possible is another issue altogether.

Someone once mentioned to me that friends are people who teach you things. And you'll remember them for life cause you carry those precious lessons that they taught so well in the past. And that's why you'll always be remembered as a good friend. For teaching me so much in the short time that I knew you. For letting me know that there are people out there who are good, kind, wholesome and brave to stand out among the anonymous faces that blend into the crowd. Someone who dares to be different cause he feels that it's the right thing to do. Someone who bothers to listen to others. Someone who taught me the true value of sharing. It's not about the latest fad or the coolest gossip, but just what you feel is right, just sharing yourself. I never really thanked you for all that. Maybe the sudden aloofness was too striking a contrast that it just turned me away.

But for all that it's worth, thank you. :)

I should stop letting these stupid quizzes take up 90% of my airtime on my blog
Anyways lots have happened
I lobve my family!
But that's nothing new. But somehow this Ramadhan, I dunnow, i think it's the iftar togetherness that kinda binds us together. Less bickering with my bro, more laughs around, more sharing, more understanding. I love them to bits.

And i miss my friends!

And i guess no matter what people may think of you, you just have to be set on the end goal, be true to yourself and hope everything will be allright...InsyaAllah...I may not be the ideal of what you expect me to be, but there's no point pleasing everyone, when I compromise on what I want out of my life in the end.

Oh, and have I told you abt my latest crush? hehehe. He's 25, has big brown eyes and hair that curls at the collar! He's intense, easy to talk to, romantic and sweet.
*sigh* And he sent me home the other nite..

*what?!*

haha okies updates when i next see you! =)

You Are Likely a First Born

At your darkest moments, you feel guilty. At work and school, you do best when you're researching. When you love someone, you tend to agree with them often. In friendship, you are considerate and compromising. Your ideal careers are: business, research, counseling, promotion, and speaking. You will leave your mark on the world with discoveries, new information, and teaching people to dream.

The Birth Order Predictor

-------*---------*---------

I'm going nuts
I don't know where to start
Gut-feel can never turn out right
But however much as it is against my instinct
Something tells me it'll all be alright
How now brown cow?

Too much nostalgia turning yet untrue.

I can see cracks
Look closer, the cracks are threatening break apart
And whole wall will just come crashing down
From a mere tremble,
Leading to an overflow
Of emotions
Dammit

Nothing seems so real anymore
My life was a mere construct of my imagination
It still is
Don't you dare tell me what to think

Love is so glamourised
Nobody sees the point of it anymore
Nobody sees the point of anything anymore

jadedism is the new pink
and everyone ends up blue

This test result makes me feel like a saint all ready to spread my holy wings n fly :))

Idealist Portrait of the Healer (INFP)

Healers | Counselors | Champions | Teachers

Healers present a calm and serene face to the world, and can seem shy, even distant around others. (so THAT explains my random take-5mins-dun u DARE-disturb me right now-stoning moments!) But inside they're anything but serene, having a capacity for personal caring rarely found in the other types. Healers care deeply about the inner life of a few special persons, or about a favorite cause in the world at large. (Heal all ye whom have misfallen...) And their great passion is to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals, or that divide groups, and thus to bring wholeness, or health, to themselves, their loved ones, and their community.

Healers have a profound sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. They conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods.(*ahem*ahem*)In fact, to understand Healers, we must understand that their deep commitment to the positive and the good is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. Set off from the rest of humanity by their privacy and scarcity (around one percent of the population), Healers can feel even more isolated in the purity of their idealism. (Now THAT explains my loner tendencies!)

Also, Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. With parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. In truth, they are quite OK just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks. (Nah, not my parents lah. More like society.)

At work, Healers are adaptable, welcome new ideas and new information, are patient with complicated situations, but impatient with routine details. (and standard procedures, and hierarchy) Healers are keenly aware of people and their feelings, and relate well with most others. (Most being the keyword here.) Because of their deep-seated reserve, however, they can work quite happily alone. (loneristic tendencies again!) When making decisions, Healers follow their heart not their head, which means they can make errors of fact, but seldom of feeling. (yupyup! I can always explain my emotions but NOT WHY I'm like chatting to some cute guy til 4am when i have sch at 8am the next day! :)) They have a natural interest in scholarly activities (explains all my bogus modules) and demonstrate, like the other Idealists, a remarkable facility with language. (YAY! that's why u keep coming back to my blog to read right?) They have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. Frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort.

Ahhh wow so self-explanatory, feels so good to be understood. Felt like I just had a convo with Adila Mohc. HAHA. BUt yes, I do realise that this mayy just seem overly one-dimensional and I may be overly deluding myself as to whom my true self really could be. haha.

HAPPY FASTING EVERYONE! And hopefully this Ramadhan will make us better Muslims in time to come, InsyaAllah...Remember to cleanse ourselves from all bad traits and deeds and to become wiser, stronger and healthier people in the long run...

And don't forget to scrub in between your toes too! very impt!

okies TATA!

It's tiring when people have expectations of you when you don't realise it.
I admit. I'm one hell of a LOUSY friend. I have been and I may always will be.
Maybe that explains why my long term friendships always tend to taper off. I tend to set my energies in other directions when I don't see the friend in fron tof me anymore. I'm more objective than emotionally-attached to any one person. It's all about experiences with different people, not the person per se. It's one of my weakness, this long-term friendship thingy. The least you can do is to set a good example for me to follow. Forgive what I did to you, and move on. That's all I want for now.

I don't think you should pigeonhole me anymore
I'm not the girl I used to be
Neither am I the girl you want me to be
I'm undefined by all things conscious and real
Wouldn't it be apparent for you to see
That ultimately I'm just being my own kind of me.


*------------------------*

I hate the feeling of falling.

What breed of horse are you? Find out!

I know I know, this is totally unoriginal..haha...HAPPY HOUSE! SOOoo preteen-ish, but heck, can't I just be normal and kiddish for ONCE, try so hard to be myself and fit in then be myself and fit in then be myself and fit in...

I'm tired of all that crap. Ultimately, you'll just have to learn to answer to yourself. I'm sick of people trying to judge and assume different things about what I do.

Anyways, i think SAM was a success for the first night. Alhamdulillah. Yet another night to follow through with it all :)

MODERATION IN ISLAM talk this thursday (6-9pm YIH function room)with professor Hussein from political science department-it's gonna be superb i tell you,he's given many many talks like this before and this would be the first in NUS for NUS students he's also the director for Islamic strategic studies in SEA...So if you're interested to know an expert's take on Islam within the region, please sign up with us il_paranoide@yahoo.com...

I think it's time for me to turn theory into practical.

And i think the playlist thingy is wayyy cool. haha. suits my different modes and terrible moodswings, especially now.

I was debating about whether I should put this up coz it seems kinda mean when you think of it but well maybe you peeps have a different take on it so this is what happened today that started off a semi-bad day and then later in the time to come...

*JUst had a bad day* :)

So I was walking happily down clementi walkway to the mrt station when this guy asking for donations laughed while looking in my direction-ok i felt a bit funny coz i was wearing a bright pink flowery dress that stood out from the mundane colours that people wear on a bright n cheery sunday afternoon(the horror, ishishish)-so okay lah nak laugh nvm tak kisah you can think whatever you want I'm wearing this to cheer myself up coz i felt sick in the morning and wanted to feel better about myself.

So as I passed him and his donation i heard the request-'Kak, nak donate?' in a slightly over-friendly tone and a slightly over-bearing facial expression. Quite frightening actually. So i just react to what I would do in trying to wriggle out of that uncomfortable situation (and slight self-defense) -half smile while not looking directly at the person.

Then I heard: "Sombong seh."

And THAT, my dear people who are still with me, is what got me really pissed.

LIke Excuse me, Mister.

Firstly, yOu are out here, doing a service for so and so charitable organisation with the intention to improve the welfare of the people in the long run. Your intention would be to approach people with the sincerity of asking them to help out. Any other intentions would be secondary, if favourable at all.

Secondly you're willingly helping out and you don't EXPECT people to donate, that's a right of theirs whether they would want to donate or not.

And thirdly, what's with guys calling girls in tudung kak when asking for donations? I know its supposed to be a respectable thing but i find it plain irritating, especially when they're obviously so much older than me. Just a simple salam would do. Just cause everyone else does it doesn't make it favourable. Be original sikit lah, and do what is right, not cause everyone else deems it to be alright.

Ah and that was my first huff for the day.


And btw I think working with Kak Aishah totally rocks.


so...Alhamdulillah. :)

Alhamdulillah

Happy happy :) Alhamdulillah...

For the first time after stepping in NUS, the feeling that I've dreamt I should feel when coming in for classes was felt. [Oh goodness, what distorted english.] But I really couldn't help smiling to myself during arabic classes. The atmosphere of people united learning together towards a particular cause, so close to what we really ought to focus on, in a place of God, felt really blissful...and I really thank God for the experience of letting us hold it for the rest of the students in NUS...ok so that went well.

Other school stuff gets me pretty busy but I guess it's alright...

Schoolwork...getting down to the grind...but still so much to do....

And went out with my dearest gurlfrens on friday! Sha, Farah, Marsie!! Miss people I could really have a warm heart to heart sessio to and talk crap at the same time. hehe. Farah's classic reactions to stories. Sha's hilarious stories. And Mars' warm aura. hehe. I really had a good time...thanks you babes! *hugs*

Had an intellectual discussion with Adila mohc on sunday coz we missed ugama class and walked all ard kallang instead. hehe. Same old that gurl. Really had a good brain wrecking session, felt so understood then. hehe.

Conclusions:

1. It's best if you know what to give to people who are willing to receive and know how to accept what people give you. The remaining spaces are for you to fill in.

2. Life's like this:
Learn and explore A dynamically.
Explain A to others.
Work towards a better A when challenged.
-Where A can be religion, culture, your take on friendships, anything.

This has been on my mind for a long time

Mereka berkata bangsa kami kolot, tidak halus bersaing mengikut arus persaingan yang menyalut penduduk negara kita. Ugama tidak lain tidak bukan menjadi mangsa jua. Kesedihan yang amat terserlah adalah yang mendapati kritikan dan komen ini semua tiada penyedaran mengenai apa yang diperkatakan oleh mereka dan tiada kuasa sungguh untuk menukar apa yang dialami mereka. Sedih sungguh, bukan? Inilah umat kami, saudara, darah danging dan rakan sejinak kami. Siapakah yang akan menyelamatkan kami semua? Siapakah pendekar yang kami telah menunggu dan akan menyerah bakti selama ini? Oh, bukan kami, tidak, kami tidak berkuasa apa-apa pun, kami hanya hidup untuk diri kami sendiri. Bukan itu suatu kepentingan dalam hidup seseorang itu? Quality of life? The right to express oneself, to do as you please to? Apa yang orang lain lakukan, itu masalah mereka, bukan? Siapa kata kami berhak untuk menukar nasib, arus kehidupan mereka? So what if they end up in rehab centres,
suffer from broken marriages and God knows what else? The proportion of people who have problems way overcome those that have the time and means to solve them. And it totally doesn't concerm me, right?

Well, I guess not. Until it really hits home.

-Muddled-

It's amazing that even when work is piling up I still have time to blog. Eurgh.

Everyone's studying like mad. Drives me nuts sometimes, cooped up in this mental nutcased shell called school. Everyone's chasing after the same things, don't you stop and wonder where all this is leading to? What are you workin so hard for?

And everyone would tell me to shut up and get back to work, the work that I've been slacking off. Seriously, I know I haven't been doing as well as I should. Boo-hoo to me.

Anyways, it's hit me before, but it hit me harder today: I wanna do reasearch. Not scientific research just for the sake of doing it but I guess more into research into religion and trying to link it back to science. Yea.

So I have an ambition see. It's just about moving on from philospphising about it and getting it straight into the realm of reality.

Eurgh. Butt-off-to-work-now....

Let's not criticise and comment shall we? it's so easy to criticise and pick on other's bad traits so much so that it becomes an obsession, a point on which our whole life revolves around. Which makes it a crap of a life to live.

So i'ld like to generalise instead. It's rather sad if friends are treated as mere pawns in one's life, to let them play thier respective roles as one deems fit to in one's life, and discarded upon their non-importance relative to one.

I hope no matter where one goes, people are treated in their every right to be and act as their individual selves, and appreciated deeply for who they really are.

I guess this whole drama has taught me that, at least. Be true to who you are and what you do and how you treat others too. Coz ultimately, it'll all come back to you.

ANYWAY. Had a good week past. many many things learnt, all not rosy and sweet anymore. I guess when I picked up the role I was a little starry-eyed. And now it's harder than I thought. But i guess we just have to keep learning from what we've yet to learn right?

And i do like spending time on my own up to a certain point. Give me time to reflect upon my own perspectives without others' thoughts clouding my judgement. But i miss people too much :) been ctaching up thou.

The more you know...

Take the quiz at dicepool.com

Anyways, seem to lack words to describe what I'm going through.
But I'm relatively happy :) so yeay :)