narcissistic-escapisim

ok la, the post on not being malay is a bit exaggerated. so i take it back..somewhat. i mean, you know, im still 25% javanese-sumatran.. (berkirer sak budak nie)

looked thru my kid photos. when i was like just born. and discovered some shocking things:

shock #1: I learnt how to smile when i was 4 months! and all this while i was deluded that i leart only when i was 16 when my braces fell off! (still remember farah saying "why do u look like you're in pain when you smile?!" coz i used to not show my teeth and the edges of my mouth turned down..hahahaha so somehow i forgot how to smile growing up...

shock #2: urh actually this one not shock one. it's more like a sudden realisation as i flipped thru the pages. at 4 i was still celebrating my birthday with a huge 4-shaped bday cake with my parents and aunts and uncles at my granny's hse..katerkan..eldest cousin kan..so macam growing up with so many ppl doting on you...

and then suddenly the people disappeared. the celebrations and outings became less. the everyone smiling to the camera happily pictures became more disparate.

and i couldn't help bursting out in tears...all these years i felt neglected not coz they didn't love me anymore and i felt that sudden form of neglect and loneliness all these years growing up with broken promises and missing people...it was the shift tt affected me. because i was given so much to begin with. the sudden loss made it feel all the more empty.

new families, work, self-developments, other commitments.

I've only realised what caused all that confusion, only now.

Just cause people don't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they can.

You dont know what you've got 'til it's gone.

The more you have, the more pain you feel when it's lost. And in the confusion you'll always have that ideal to get back the ideal of the way things were.

revival of the simplistic mind

Two things:

1. Having high expectations is a good thing only if you internalise the reasons for wanting to do so. was reading some random juniors' blogs and the memories came flooding back. what am i doing now that's so recurrent and what can i do to change anything i'd want to?

2. Having everything doesn't mean you're gonna make use of it wisely. You may even take it for granted. or worse, be riak about it.

just a constant reminder to myself.

anyway to random wierd mean people who get a perverse triumphant feeling from leaving anonymous statements on my post (including the birthday wish from last year AND the random input on my johari's window), please, if ure not gonna tell me who you are then do find something meaningful to do with ur life. it's sincerely for your own good too, you know.

i always get ideas to blog but soon forget when i sit in front of them comp. sigh, not fated la huh.

family

i'm really proud of my siblings. they're beginning to come to their own and show a sense of independence and forming their own mind and world view. which im totally in approval of.

though we may all come from totally different social circles and framework, there's just a common understanding, probably infused from our parents. its comforting somewhat, coz i just feel that my family isn't like most other malay families. we're just a little different.

i think i can place it on idealism. my parent's are those that infuse us with big ideas and ideals, and though they do acknowledge constraints like the education system and money matters, they still let us do what we feel is morally right, as well as things to maximise our potential in the long run. as individuals in all dimensions. plus the fact that we're not culturally rooted in the malay dimensions. i mean, to me being malay is a simply related to language. all those customs are mostly what third cousins practice, or my parent's colleagues if they invite us over for weddings. the malay world view is as personal to me as the reason why medieval monks keep beating themselves. well, aside from the fact that the people i sort of see often are practising it. and you don't see monks beating themselves in public nowadays.

but of course from language comes a certain understanding of how we see the world. thus romantic malay notions relating to surrounding nature, esp the beach. hehe. di tepi pantai...

pragmatism doesn't rule in my family. it's just a consequence of survival.

and even thou i've been having wierd ideas of late of settling down after marriage to become a full time housewife(it's wierd for me, trust me) i realise the best way is just what my mom's doing now. not only for the money (that aside, remember, pragmatism doesn't rule) but also for the fact that she knows what's out there, she's subjected to the real world. and she can tell us about it when she comes home to prepare dinner for us. it's a win-win situation, and i've told her that. besides, it's not about how much time you spend with your kids anyway. it's about quality time.

so in all, my family's perfect for me. just like everyone elses' is right for them.

unconfused

i had a long thought about it the long ride journey home.

I just can't seem to put a finger on it.

But for all the lack of rhyme or reason, it all boils down to one person.

Those in the know , will know.

Ultimately, i look out for three things in friends: sincerity, honesty and good values.

Call me boring and a total wet blanket but i can't laugh along and pretend everything's alright when my insides are screaming "HYPOCRITE!!!"

I've decided on a new stand: that i'll enter and continue to enter ppl's lives on a good note from now on. and those that i really don't know how to deal with will stay stagnant until sthg positive comes along to enter into their lives again.
lives just too short to waste on wasting time.
I know what I want now so don't pity me. I'm much happier being alone. Rather be alone and understanding myself than being hypocritical with a million friends.

And by hypocrite, i mean ME.

SNAP.

All you FREAKING MATS who call needlessly at random hours of the night asking for my sister to flirt with and to talk to, please i beg you, do just plainly find better things to do with your time.

Kau ni pun samer la dilah. Kau gi layan diorang sumer buat pe, hah. Balik-balik buat kawan aje tak de salah ah tapi kau gi fikiiiir la panjang-panjang jauh jauh sikit. Buat kawan tu ader baiknyer la. Tapi kau sendiri mestipun ader pendirian sendiri ah.

And mr muhammad imran bin mustapha please get your BUTT back home this instant right NOW! how DARE you leave for tioman just 1 week after your habis BMT with your flinging friends! i didn't even see your straight (straighter than my leper one anyway) batang hidung much at home before you went hooray hooraying away with your new found friends.

alah KAK it's all YOUR fault la. can't you see. if you hadn't been so busy with OTHER WORK which is apparently more important than your family then of coz he's gonna think so and do so. all you can do is write a measely testimonial for him. bearing all the dirty secrets. He was home the whole weekend while you were outside doing stuff for other people.

Your own brother. neglected.

Mass people of society, do NOT neglect your family. At the end of the day, your life, you'll feel empty dying without knowing how much you can really know them.

please lah aisyah. that only applies to you can?

honesty

As much as i'd like to admit that I've been honestly telling you everything that I would want to in my previous posts, it's come to make me realise that I've been unwittingly self-censoring myself according to whom I feel would get slighted or read too much into my words.

And it's not that I'd not want to express myself clearly, but I guess as of late the whole world would be intertwined in my thoughts and as to avoid abovementioned situation i have resorted to complaning about the most mundane and obvious.

Maybe it's just in my nature to be uptight and polite and non-expressive, especially in negative situations. As much as I'd like to be direct and open and expect others to think i'm trying to just be constructive, you'd have to adjust your level of criticism and tone according to the person whom your talking to. And considering the multiple roles that I've come to realise I play towards different people it's just not me at the moment to express myself in one single way. I mean, I don't think it's hypocritical. I'm still me. But the way i tell things out would differ according to whom i talk to. And I have no idea who reads my blog.

Yes, I try to understand and get everyone to see eye to eye. That's why I usually end up trying to get the person whom I'm talkin to to see the opposing view when I'm actually supposed to be comforting her/him. I tend to take the neutral stand. the one in which everyone wins. some people might take it as a loser way out. the people pleasing way. but ultimately you're not able to move ahead without having the mandate of people around you, without their support and trust.

everything's just a blur right now.

torn

i will not feel sorry for myself.

many uncertainties for the future. heedless to say about schoolwork. dreams being put on hold. misunderstandings that lead to nonsensical bickering. growing apart. growing up. growing tensions with matters left unsaid. and a growing friendship that might not break even in the end.=(

at least my family's been much happier=)


All this too will pass.

bleargh

some people are just SO irritating. Just SO freaking irritating. I mean, wth, i'm just trying to help you to see your point and GET through to you but you know what, more than simply pushing me away you turn your back and start pointing fingers at me. FINE. Maybe i've irritated you enough to get through to you. Maybe you just don't see the point of sharing anything with me. Maybe you just have given up on me trying to understand you coz i don't respect you not wanting to tell me anything in the first place.

FINE.

the same old thang

well my bro did as he expected and I'm glad he's happy. Alhamdulillah. What's next is totally left to him to decide. Maybe a scholarship overseas.

Anyway I'm supershocked at some stuff i just saw on frenster. I know i'm always living in my own bubble and need to like awaken myself..and that's how people like me are perceived by "others"..but on the other hand, there's also a case of space. breaks. to define yourself and what you're not.

understanding is the key.

not being judgemental.

U gotta be kidding rite?

Miracles can happen if u believe. Today i managed to join the discussion on 17th century porn without actually feeling self-conscious or blushing about it. way cool eh? haha.

ok, before anyone bereaves on the hypocrisy attached to tudung girls these days again (looks solemnly at mars)..relax...it's just for this mod tt i'm taking discussing love poetry. apparently in their time there were two extreme schools of thought: that love was carnal and just all about sexual pleasure,nothing more, while another school of thought was that love was something constantly seeking for a higher spiritual end, considered platonic love. (it's amazing how the meaning has evolved up until tdy eh? haha. platonic now means nothing gg on..budden hmm, can also mean tt theres no sexual relations but just simply love for the sake of each other)

so yup..we were discussing poetry on both..all about dealing with emotions..no clear cut rules on that sometimes..

haha arly and me were sharing that having old chang kee in school is actually a ploy by the government to increase the number of babies made in singapore. I mean, everyone knows that OCK makes u simply FAT, putting on layers of blubber. and fats are actually a good storage medium for hormones, apart from the usual ones that give u muscles and makes u lie under stress, there's your beloved sex hormones, oestrogen and testosterone. so indirectly by giving us means to eat and get fat, we'd have higher levels of sex hormones and as such...(you do the logic here)...would have higher chances of falling in love (romantically speaking) and (God forbid, no extramarital affairs please, =P) get married and wallah have KIDS!


So moral of the story is, next time you buy a stick of sotong balls or crab meat at ur frenly YIH OCK, remember that it's actually the government's scheme to make you, yes YOU, have more babies. and to think they planted that time bomb right under our very innocent noses.

now im wondering if i should let the opposition in on that so tt they can have yet another rhetorical debate on how we're decreasing the level of intellectualism and thus affecting the process maturation of society in singapore by encouraging our undergrads to engage in such whimsical premarital affairs.


oh oh and you know the line that says
"all cute guys are either attached, married, or gay."?

well, i could always vouch for the first two. But now, maybe I'm enlightened to the whole phrase. For those who know what's been happening of late, you do the math. I really dunnow where to put my face man.

oh and had a good time catching up with Adila mohc. maybe a one-on-one is just my style of things. or maybe i just need to get rid of clutter whenever i chillout with ppl.

'A' level results tmr! goooot luck to my bro, and every everyone else!!=)