ok la, the post on not being malay is a bit exaggerated. so i take it back..somewhat. i mean, you know, im still 25% javanese-sumatran.. (berkirer sak budak nie)
looked thru my kid photos. when i was like just born. and discovered some shocking things:
shock #1: I learnt how to smile when i was 4 months! and all this while i was deluded that i leart only when i was 16 when my braces fell off! (still remember farah saying "why do u look like you're in pain when you smile?!" coz i used to not show my teeth and the edges of my mouth turned down..hahahaha so somehow i forgot how to smile growing up...
shock #2: urh actually this one not shock one. it's more like a sudden realisation as i flipped thru the pages. at 4 i was still celebrating my birthday with a huge 4-shaped bday cake with my parents and aunts and uncles at my granny's hse..katerkan..eldest cousin kan..so macam growing up with so many ppl doting on you...
and then suddenly the people disappeared. the celebrations and outings became less. the everyone smiling to the camera happily pictures became more disparate.
and i couldn't help bursting out in tears...all these years i felt neglected not coz they didn't love me anymore and i felt that sudden form of neglect and loneliness all these years growing up with broken promises and missing people...it was the shift tt affected me. because i was given so much to begin with. the sudden loss made it feel all the more empty.
new families, work, self-developments, other commitments.
I've only realised what caused all that confusion, only now.
Just cause people don't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they can.
You dont know what you've got 'til it's gone.
The more you have, the more pain you feel when it's lost. And in the confusion you'll always have that ideal to get back the ideal of the way things were.
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