first two papers were okay, three more to go. was ok actually...would like to give credit to siti aisyah for actually studying for her exams this time around. but still, I can't wait for this sem to be simply OVER. In fact, I can't wait for everything to be over so that I can just drop and run away. Just let go of the bonds that tie my hands down. Just simply to let go and break free.
I admire people who can see the goodness in others.
and to each, it's own. all that i write simply pertains to MY life. I don't seek to impose. I'm only criticising my own life. So bear with me ya.
can't wait can't wait can't wait...
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Monday, April 17, 2006
Of Singlehood
So all this talk about getting serious with someone is beginning to get to me. Like, friends saying I should get to know this guy and that. Aights, happy couples may shoot me once I'm done, but well here's my take on things.
I feel that for this moment in time it's about being you in your own skin, without being attached to anyone else. I've always taken advice from my mom who says that you should focus on yourself before looking to perfect any relationship. All relationships would have their problems anyway, and sometimes it's an endless cycle. You have more problems coming out from insecurity, of wanting to know where you stand in each others' eyes, of argueing about what you expect out of each other, you have to deal with how you compare to his past exes, it's like creating problems and worry out of something that you know you can choose to ignore completely. And my dad says people tend to end up with people who have the same traits as themselves. The whole Iffah concept. Sometimes it's so easy to take advice from them cause I do wanna look into the future and have that ideal relationship that my parents have. 23 years from the day they got married, the romance and love is still strong. They appreciate one another for what they do and are proud to express it in front of their kids. Call me a traditionalist, but some factors in their relationship would have to work still in this day and age.
I guess I've never really realised it before, but I tend to take stuff like this seriously and well...future-orientedly. And I know sometimes I may come across as being uncertain and maybe that can send mixed signals of who I really am. But I don't find it wrong to be still looking for yourself at this age, especially in this day. Why the hurry? We're not born in our grandma's age where a girl HAS to get married or she'll have no future by societal standards. Ladies have choices now. And we'd need to choose our paths wisely, especially when you have to be stronger and certain about what you want these days before people decide it for you. I'm talking generally, like career paths, education paths, who you hang out with, what you choose to do with your free time, whether you choose to support a cause, get a part-time job, etc. There's so many things to do and so little time. And I'd rather explore all options before I settle down and get tied down to someone. Sometimes I feel relationships can get a liittle self-indulgent. You know the whole "dah makan?" concept when you pick up and ask every single detail about one's day, I just can't imagine doing that to anyone. Plus I've got enough things to occupy my time. I've got to be a part-time mom/mentor figure to my 10/13/15 year old sibs when my parents are not home, long term planning for MS stuff after exams are over, trying to think of ways on how to improve general health of singaporeans especially the Malays when I graduate but figuring it out now during the hols-there's so much potential in the life science industry that's not being explored and potentially cashed upon-in terms of health standards, education of the public and business avenues, wanna be active in international organisations too-at the bottom of the page on the left are the two mains ones I wanna go into, and help the community at large. It's fun when you get to affect positive change on someone else's lives. It's not just about doing good to be a good person, so that you know you can say you've done all that.
It's not as though I've not dreamt of some ideal conconction: I'd want someone forward-looking, expressive, romantic, opinionated, intelligent, socially aware and quick-witted. Someone who can deal with problems as they come along independently, to bounce ideas off each other, and I'd wanna be independent too. I don't wanna be weak. To digress: the main common denominator in all broken marriages is that the women were dominated by men, or they weren't strong enough to hold the home together. I'd always thought kids grow up to learn their mom's values and their dad's worldview. If your dad sees you destined to be a housewife, the child will learn to realise that as her self-fulfilling prophesy. If your mom was a strong-principled woman, you'd grow up to learn a lot from her.
Also, sometimes I tend to realise ladies that are well off & married in happy homes tend to be super busy with their new lives that they don't dabble in new hobbies, or take time to learn more about the outside world. It's like a self-made cocoon once you're settled down, cause life is just about fulfilling your husband's needs. Fair enough, that's important. But...you know, being socially aware and active is important too. Every single hand and brain matters, especially in our community.
On the other hand, maybe I've just given up on any hope for now. There's a million things to catch on anyway, so why bother? And not that I'm being egoistic or anything, but I just feel self-assured that somehow in someway I'd end up with someone before alarm bells go ringing. I mean, life's not how every princess wishes it to be, and i know I lack total experience in that aspect and I do care, but somehow, I'm not worried about not being with anyone for now. Sometimes I feel people tie themselves down just to be seen as cool to be together with someone, cause it's like everyone's doing it, or to know that you have someone to depend on, when they're actually just tieing themselves down.
SO... if you're out there and single, trust me, I feel you have SO much more in life to live and give. =)
I feel that for this moment in time it's about being you in your own skin, without being attached to anyone else. I've always taken advice from my mom who says that you should focus on yourself before looking to perfect any relationship. All relationships would have their problems anyway, and sometimes it's an endless cycle. You have more problems coming out from insecurity, of wanting to know where you stand in each others' eyes, of argueing about what you expect out of each other, you have to deal with how you compare to his past exes, it's like creating problems and worry out of something that you know you can choose to ignore completely. And my dad says people tend to end up with people who have the same traits as themselves. The whole Iffah concept. Sometimes it's so easy to take advice from them cause I do wanna look into the future and have that ideal relationship that my parents have. 23 years from the day they got married, the romance and love is still strong. They appreciate one another for what they do and are proud to express it in front of their kids. Call me a traditionalist, but some factors in their relationship would have to work still in this day and age.
I guess I've never really realised it before, but I tend to take stuff like this seriously and well...future-orientedly. And I know sometimes I may come across as being uncertain and maybe that can send mixed signals of who I really am. But I don't find it wrong to be still looking for yourself at this age, especially in this day. Why the hurry? We're not born in our grandma's age where a girl HAS to get married or she'll have no future by societal standards. Ladies have choices now. And we'd need to choose our paths wisely, especially when you have to be stronger and certain about what you want these days before people decide it for you. I'm talking generally, like career paths, education paths, who you hang out with, what you choose to do with your free time, whether you choose to support a cause, get a part-time job, etc. There's so many things to do and so little time. And I'd rather explore all options before I settle down and get tied down to someone. Sometimes I feel relationships can get a liittle self-indulgent. You know the whole "dah makan?" concept when you pick up and ask every single detail about one's day, I just can't imagine doing that to anyone. Plus I've got enough things to occupy my time. I've got to be a part-time mom/mentor figure to my 10/13/15 year old sibs when my parents are not home, long term planning for MS stuff after exams are over, trying to think of ways on how to improve general health of singaporeans especially the Malays when I graduate but figuring it out now during the hols-there's so much potential in the life science industry that's not being explored and potentially cashed upon-in terms of health standards, education of the public and business avenues, wanna be active in international organisations too-at the bottom of the page on the left are the two mains ones I wanna go into, and help the community at large. It's fun when you get to affect positive change on someone else's lives. It's not just about doing good to be a good person, so that you know you can say you've done all that.
It's not as though I've not dreamt of some ideal conconction: I'd want someone forward-looking, expressive, romantic, opinionated, intelligent, socially aware and quick-witted. Someone who can deal with problems as they come along independently, to bounce ideas off each other, and I'd wanna be independent too. I don't wanna be weak. To digress: the main common denominator in all broken marriages is that the women were dominated by men, or they weren't strong enough to hold the home together. I'd always thought kids grow up to learn their mom's values and their dad's worldview. If your dad sees you destined to be a housewife, the child will learn to realise that as her self-fulfilling prophesy. If your mom was a strong-principled woman, you'd grow up to learn a lot from her.
Also, sometimes I tend to realise ladies that are well off & married in happy homes tend to be super busy with their new lives that they don't dabble in new hobbies, or take time to learn more about the outside world. It's like a self-made cocoon once you're settled down, cause life is just about fulfilling your husband's needs. Fair enough, that's important. But...you know, being socially aware and active is important too. Every single hand and brain matters, especially in our community.
On the other hand, maybe I've just given up on any hope for now. There's a million things to catch on anyway, so why bother? And not that I'm being egoistic or anything, but I just feel self-assured that somehow in someway I'd end up with someone before alarm bells go ringing. I mean, life's not how every princess wishes it to be, and i know I lack total experience in that aspect and I do care, but somehow, I'm not worried about not being with anyone for now. Sometimes I feel people tie themselves down just to be seen as cool to be together with someone, cause it's like everyone's doing it, or to know that you have someone to depend on, when they're actually just tieing themselves down.
SO... if you're out there and single, trust me, I feel you have SO much more in life to live and give. =)
Sunday, April 16, 2006
BOO!
OK! i've decided to take a break from personal stuff right now...coz i've pretty much not decided on how to take it all yet until it's all internalised, digested and absorbed by my little brain...but until then!!
1. LOST recaps
It's a total blow-by-blow account of ALL the LOST episodes that have been shown in the US, which is like 15 episodes ahead of us. 15!!! so u can imagine how much information you can get from reading this! weehehehe...Issues like: did jack and kate finally hit it off? did they find the "others"? Why did desmond actually have to press the button every 108 mins, and if he doesn't would the whole island actually explode? And while reading u can somewhat make connections to life. some things to pander abt: Pressing the button=paranoia to do something because people tell you to, and you don't wanna take the risk of not taking the right path; the tailies (those that landed on the island with the tail end of the plane) and the headies (no 2nd guesses) ending up with totally different turnouts simply cause of their environments= evolution of society due to their surroundings; the development of leadership, the issues dealing with survival, the paranoia of humans and paralells in relating their current experiences with their past experiences. WAY HOT. and somewhere read that the sound that the island makes sounds like MRI, done to scan cancer tumours, ie. some HUGE scanning machine that can trek down where everyone is. CREEPY.
2. dressupgames.com
As the title states, you can play ALL kinds of dressing up games, from dressing up to prom, to make up, to fancy dress parties, to dressing up horses, and even wierd looking creatures like rabbits (that look like playboy rabbits come to think of it) and fairies. Pure fun or for any gurl who needs help to decide on her new look this coming hols.hehehe. Mah sis afiyah/fifi/kutil introduced me to it and she's got me addicted. she's like 13 btw. and no i don't think i had a deprived childhood, but i would have serious doubts about this now that i'm addicted. ~*
was so nice so see everyone again at Ramen 10. and the food is absolutely tear jerking. definitely going back there again.
ALL THE BEST FOR EXAMS ppl! just think of the 3 months of pure bliss when its ALLLL overr............
1. LOST recaps
It's a total blow-by-blow account of ALL the LOST episodes that have been shown in the US, which is like 15 episodes ahead of us. 15!!! so u can imagine how much information you can get from reading this! weehehehe...Issues like: did jack and kate finally hit it off? did they find the "others"? Why did desmond actually have to press the button every 108 mins, and if he doesn't would the whole island actually explode? And while reading u can somewhat make connections to life. some things to pander abt: Pressing the button=paranoia to do something because people tell you to, and you don't wanna take the risk of not taking the right path; the tailies (those that landed on the island with the tail end of the plane) and the headies (no 2nd guesses) ending up with totally different turnouts simply cause of their environments= evolution of society due to their surroundings; the development of leadership, the issues dealing with survival, the paranoia of humans and paralells in relating their current experiences with their past experiences. WAY HOT. and somewhere read that the sound that the island makes sounds like MRI, done to scan cancer tumours, ie. some HUGE scanning machine that can trek down where everyone is. CREEPY.
2. dressupgames.com
As the title states, you can play ALL kinds of dressing up games, from dressing up to prom, to make up, to fancy dress parties, to dressing up horses, and even wierd looking creatures like rabbits (that look like playboy rabbits come to think of it) and fairies. Pure fun or for any gurl who needs help to decide on her new look this coming hols.hehehe. Mah sis afiyah/fifi/kutil introduced me to it and she's got me addicted. she's like 13 btw. and no i don't think i had a deprived childhood, but i would have serious doubts about this now that i'm addicted. ~*
was so nice so see everyone again at Ramen 10. and the food is absolutely tear jerking. definitely going back there again.
ALL THE BEST FOR EXAMS ppl! just think of the 3 months of pure bliss when its ALLLL overr............
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Death
Death. Don't you just keep hearing about it all around nowadays? Someone just told me that her friend's sister died, and she was just a few years' older than us. Cause unknown yet to us, cause she's not that close to that friend.
To me, death seems to be an abstract concept. I've never lost a close loved one before. Not even a peer that I really truly knew. The last time a really close relative died, it was my arwah grandpa, my second one on my paternal side as my granny married twice, and i was young and naive enough to be more preoccupied with the cockroach stuck in the kemenyan holder than to grieve solemnly over the dead body just two metres away.
If anyone of my relatives passed away, I wouldn't know what to think or do.
But why do people have to die?
MAH THEORY:
Well it's sthg that's somewhat like the law of diminishing returns in economics. Or rather an anti-law of it. You can't have too much of a good thing otherwise you'd take it for granted.
The one who's passed on into the afterlife has no more chances in this one. i.e. GONE. KA-BAM! CLOSED ACCOUNTS, SORRY NO MORE CHECKING IN OF ACCOUNT BALANCES! The only way he can continue his good deeds would be only 3 particularly fragile ways: through his descendents, good things that come out from his wealth, and knowledge that was passed on during his lifetime.
Another simple answer would be cause God wants us living ones to realise that everything comes from Him. He will take away what He wishes and we have no say nor control over the matter.
We all have a real life ticking clock right within us, above us, around us, guiding along our lives til the very end. And at the finishing line, most of us will feel like we're not ready yet to cross over and answer all sorts of questions that hasn't really been tested in the exams we've sat for all our lives. And if we fail this exam...ahHhHHh....there's not exactly another sub-paper that you can take or another module to replace that glaring F you received.
Speaking of exams, I've finally conceeded that it's particularly impossible to get that out of reach dream I once had. Aiyah dun bluff me lah, you also had that dream when you entered NUs one. you know, that one. No need to say lah, embarassed already. SO yeah. I calculated, and i'd need an average CAP of 5.18/5 for the next three sems to even be close to it. So urh...forget theologically, intellectually, spiritually, and all other -allies, it's not even mathematically possible.
I can somewhat see a pattern in the mods I've taken and this are the stuff I kinda dig:
1. Evolution of culture/human civilisation
2. Literature (how ideas are translated and read through diff periods in history + how ppl think at that particular period)
3. Interpersonal communication
4. Management
5. General theories
6. Health and medicine
I should have started with a major in lit and maybe a minor in life science rather than trying to do the other way around.
Plus I wanna work in the social services industry, or rather have a job where i get to interact with ppl. Doing research is cool, and I really salute ppl who can do it 24/7, but counting bacterial colonies on nutrient agar plates just isnt...my plate of agar...(HAHA geddit, geddit?!) Maybe nursing is for me...found myself staring at them advertisements on the train ride home after my "intentionally on purpose getting lost session" at Orchard.
But still, the possibilities are endless. And I hate the idea of doing only ONE thing all my life. I'm a renaissance soul. Heh, read that somewhere in a book i picked up from Borders: someone who keeps doing different things, and can't settle on one particular passion...I mean there's like a million ways to save the earth, help the community, make soneone's day, and not to mention all the types of stuff i end up doing in school...new ppl to meet...the more radically different from me the more enticing they become...seriously...hehe...
SO ok, last pt...today, of all days, during one of my LSM lectures with the tutor, who's really good at explaining stuff agst the idea of mass tutorial, when half the cohort don't attend coz they either know all the answers or they haven't done it and will find it a waste of time if they attend, STHG HIT ME: These, right here, sitting and listening intently to her every single word, were all the MUGGERTOADS who would take over the entire SPECTRUM of A+, A, A-, B+, B and maybe even half of the B- ses. Okay, MUGGERTOADS is just too harsh a word. More like people who are focused, superliciously hardworking and know what they want from the day ONE, from the time they matriculated in, the time where we felt super-conscious about our wierd looking photos and during awkward moments in making frens.
In comparison, me being the starry-eyed, idealistic girl who was still searching...on what she wanted to do with her life: I was probably just a little, a little tad bit outta my league.
Maybe they just do deserve that honours degree a million times more than I do.
And now that I've finally gotten that out of my system, I feel much lighter. =)
=)
=)
To me, death seems to be an abstract concept. I've never lost a close loved one before. Not even a peer that I really truly knew. The last time a really close relative died, it was my arwah grandpa, my second one on my paternal side as my granny married twice, and i was young and naive enough to be more preoccupied with the cockroach stuck in the kemenyan holder than to grieve solemnly over the dead body just two metres away.
If anyone of my relatives passed away, I wouldn't know what to think or do.
But why do people have to die?
MAH THEORY:
Well it's sthg that's somewhat like the law of diminishing returns in economics. Or rather an anti-law of it. You can't have too much of a good thing otherwise you'd take it for granted.
The one who's passed on into the afterlife has no more chances in this one. i.e. GONE. KA-BAM! CLOSED ACCOUNTS, SORRY NO MORE CHECKING IN OF ACCOUNT BALANCES! The only way he can continue his good deeds would be only 3 particularly fragile ways: through his descendents, good things that come out from his wealth, and knowledge that was passed on during his lifetime.
Another simple answer would be cause God wants us living ones to realise that everything comes from Him. He will take away what He wishes and we have no say nor control over the matter.
We all have a real life ticking clock right within us, above us, around us, guiding along our lives til the very end. And at the finishing line, most of us will feel like we're not ready yet to cross over and answer all sorts of questions that hasn't really been tested in the exams we've sat for all our lives. And if we fail this exam...ahHhHHh....there's not exactly another sub-paper that you can take or another module to replace that glaring F you received.
Speaking of exams, I've finally conceeded that it's particularly impossible to get that out of reach dream I once had. Aiyah dun bluff me lah, you also had that dream when you entered NUs one. you know, that one. No need to say lah, embarassed already. SO yeah. I calculated, and i'd need an average CAP of 5.18/5 for the next three sems to even be close to it. So urh...forget theologically, intellectually, spiritually, and all other -allies, it's not even mathematically possible.
I can somewhat see a pattern in the mods I've taken and this are the stuff I kinda dig:
1. Evolution of culture/human civilisation
2. Literature (how ideas are translated and read through diff periods in history + how ppl think at that particular period)
3. Interpersonal communication
4. Management
5. General theories
6. Health and medicine
I should have started with a major in lit and maybe a minor in life science rather than trying to do the other way around.
Plus I wanna work in the social services industry, or rather have a job where i get to interact with ppl. Doing research is cool, and I really salute ppl who can do it 24/7, but counting bacterial colonies on nutrient agar plates just isnt...my plate of agar...(HAHA geddit, geddit?!) Maybe nursing is for me...found myself staring at them advertisements on the train ride home after my "intentionally on purpose getting lost session" at Orchard.
But still, the possibilities are endless. And I hate the idea of doing only ONE thing all my life. I'm a renaissance soul. Heh, read that somewhere in a book i picked up from Borders: someone who keeps doing different things, and can't settle on one particular passion...I mean there's like a million ways to save the earth, help the community, make soneone's day, and not to mention all the types of stuff i end up doing in school...new ppl to meet...the more radically different from me the more enticing they become...seriously...hehe...
SO ok, last pt...today, of all days, during one of my LSM lectures with the tutor, who's really good at explaining stuff agst the idea of mass tutorial, when half the cohort don't attend coz they either know all the answers or they haven't done it and will find it a waste of time if they attend, STHG HIT ME: These, right here, sitting and listening intently to her every single word, were all the MUGGERTOADS who would take over the entire SPECTRUM of A+, A, A-, B+, B and maybe even half of the B- ses. Okay, MUGGERTOADS is just too harsh a word. More like people who are focused, superliciously hardworking and know what they want from the day ONE, from the time they matriculated in, the time where we felt super-conscious about our wierd looking photos and during awkward moments in making frens.
In comparison, me being the starry-eyed, idealistic girl who was still searching...on what she wanted to do with her life: I was probably just a little, a little tad bit outta my league.
Maybe they just do deserve that honours degree a million times more than I do.
And now that I've finally gotten that out of my system, I feel much lighter. =)
=)
=)
Friday, April 07, 2006
Claching
Have you ever felt sometimes that just as everything is crystal clear and intact, it all shatters down like glass shards being broken into a thousand pieces?
Cracking, shaking, shattering, falling.
KA-CLUNK!
BOOM!BANG!BOOOSH!
Brain-dead.
Cracking, shaking, shattering, falling.
KA-CLUNK!
BOOM!BANG!BOOOSH!
Brain-dead.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
The Newest Testament
5 things I've learnt in the past year:
5. My brother has the ability to communicate with me quite well. And vice versa, if i judge his moods and reactions correctly. And with that suddenly everything falls into place, and family's my second priority right now after God and personal self development. OCS family day was great! Had prata in the canteen when my sis popped the ultimate question:
Afiyah: Eh, why NS guys must cut their hair ah?
Me: So that when they crawl under the bushes then they don't get stuck there.
Afiyah: Oh later if they get stuck under the bushes then the person behind them push then their heads get cut off and remain hanging under the bushes ah? (Morbid!)
Adilah: (trying to come up with a better reason) So that they cannot keep weapons in their hair...(come to think of it isnt tt a good thing??)
Luqman: Otherwise they all become afro ppl when they go into the jungle...like in LOST...
KWANG KWANG...damn lame seh...
4. Everyone's got something that they see that others won't be able to see. Their own hidden talent. But how much you're able to express it depends on the need, the want and the will.
3. [editted]I've learnt the true meaning of friendship. It's about giving, and by chance or calculated risk, getting something back in return. Sorry if I've offended anyone in the earlier point. I guess I've got to manage how to handle certain kinds of people. But I've forgiven. Life goes on.
2. I get bored when i can't overanalyse. And i don't like being told what to do. I guess i've discovered my new control freak streak. but it's not really a control freak streak. it's more like an idealistic version of a control freak streak, so until i can find a proper name to term it i shall call it the aisyah streak.
1. I'm finally doing something meaningful in my life, I've found what I want to do. My niche. I guess the secret is just to continue doing what you love, despite what others have to say about it. And believeing in your dreams no matter what.
So screw all the critics. I'm jamming to the voice within.
Anyway tdy right after metabolism lecture (which ended at 10 am!)i suddenly had the urge to get down to tampines interchange macs and have breakfast. Sya couldn't understand the happiness on my face at such an abstract idea. It was refreshing I tell ya. Just get out of the whole jin bang rat race of things and sit and stare and see normal people dealing with everyday issues. And trying to read, well, them. It was hot. Recommended to anyone who's got the urge to relax. =)
5. My brother has the ability to communicate with me quite well. And vice versa, if i judge his moods and reactions correctly. And with that suddenly everything falls into place, and family's my second priority right now after God and personal self development. OCS family day was great! Had prata in the canteen when my sis popped the ultimate question:
Afiyah: Eh, why NS guys must cut their hair ah?
Me: So that when they crawl under the bushes then they don't get stuck there.
Afiyah: Oh later if they get stuck under the bushes then the person behind them push then their heads get cut off and remain hanging under the bushes ah? (Morbid!)
Adilah: (trying to come up with a better reason) So that they cannot keep weapons in their hair...(come to think of it isnt tt a good thing??)
Luqman: Otherwise they all become afro ppl when they go into the jungle...like in LOST...
KWANG KWANG...damn lame seh...
4. Everyone's got something that they see that others won't be able to see. Their own hidden talent. But how much you're able to express it depends on the need, the want and the will.
3. [editted]I've learnt the true meaning of friendship. It's about giving, and by chance or calculated risk, getting something back in return. Sorry if I've offended anyone in the earlier point. I guess I've got to manage how to handle certain kinds of people. But I've forgiven. Life goes on.
2. I get bored when i can't overanalyse. And i don't like being told what to do. I guess i've discovered my new control freak streak. but it's not really a control freak streak. it's more like an idealistic version of a control freak streak, so until i can find a proper name to term it i shall call it the aisyah streak.
1. I'm finally doing something meaningful in my life, I've found what I want to do. My niche. I guess the secret is just to continue doing what you love, despite what others have to say about it. And believeing in your dreams no matter what.
So screw all the critics. I'm jamming to the voice within.
Anyway tdy right after metabolism lecture (which ended at 10 am!)i suddenly had the urge to get down to tampines interchange macs and have breakfast. Sya couldn't understand the happiness on my face at such an abstract idea. It was refreshing I tell ya. Just get out of the whole jin bang rat race of things and sit and stare and see normal people dealing with everyday issues. And trying to read, well, them. It was hot. Recommended to anyone who's got the urge to relax. =)
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