In pieces.

I can practically DIE of guilt right now..Did sthg that I SO wasn't supposed to do..Totally made the wrong decision and made the wrong moves..this is definitely one example when agression totally didn't play a part..screw what they taught us..ppl aren't necessarily as agressive with what they think when they ought to be...ARGH! And ultimately the one to blame is the one who put front the idea..don't u watch the apprentice?


I'm feeling rather *beep* at the way things are right now, and depressed that things can't change so easily.

But I do realise that ultimately it's really not abt me at all, but the whole set up of things.











_________________________________
And this is what I want, but not what I expect..totally...I'm happy but not in bliss..maybe we're both takin too much of calculated risks..and i can't bail out coz for once there's no valid reason to do so..

Confuscious said...

Forewarned: This is gonna get messy, as the author just wants to get her thoughts out to ppl whom whe won't meet in due time coz of their respective busy schedules and so it's not a pretty pretty post but more of a random update.

____________________
Anyhoos!

Today was such a good day! And so was yesterday!
I hate having good days coz if i'm not careful it'll taper off to slackerish-dom and everything would go tongang terbalik!

my definition of a good day is anyhow when i manage to do what i wanna on tt day itself as well as manage to look out for considerable possibilities of what i wanna do next for time ahead.
usually it involves people..i like making connections with people and knowing tt sthg constructive came out of my interactions with them.
and doing new things...i guess only my sec sch frens can really understand the extent of the change within me..sometimes i feel that time is just running so short to do all that i wanna do!

reflections:

1) it's so easy to criticise but not to do, so easy to manage but not to lead, so easy to think but not to implement.
2) i can get super bossy at times and i'm really sorry to those people tt I mught have turned off. EQ, EQ, EQ.
3) self regulation.speaks for itself.keep thinking, keep improving, keep doing.
4) i think i might be moving too fast.and sometimes what u thought u knew aint seem so familiar anymore. i dont wanna lose friendships and yes the bond might be fractured and maybe the ideal picture i had of us all growing old together and sharing bonding stories aint so clear anymore but i think people change and have to set their priorities right based on what they feel is impt..but can ppl still be close when their values and priorities change so much? i mean ultimately its all abt the communication right?
5) i wanted to do the window on mars' blog but my version but knowing me i'll take so much time analysing everythin and i'd end up getting even more confused than giving me a clearer pict of who i am. MUAHA.
6) i dont know how u can feel comfortable with someone tt u barely know, even more so than frens uve known much longer, but i guess tt happens. but i dun wanna think too mugh abt it now.
7) I HAVE SO MUCH SCHOWRK TO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

ok tt last pt wasnt really a reflection, anyhows i'll be mugging in sci lib 24/7 next few days so care to drop by and join me if u wish. ta!!

Spread the love.

Beautiful day. I love the people around me. =)

Everyone has their own strengths, you just have to learn and appreciate them for who they are.

LOve love loVe. =)

Wake up call

She turned to me and asked,"Are you gonna S/U this module?" Which translates to: ARe you going to take this module seriously, cause if you're not, i think we have some serious negotiation to do here.

I guess I shouldn't be so stunned by her blatant question. It's been like that since the beginning of time. Only people move at a faster speed nowadays.

Your importance is measured by what you can give to people, whether it's intentional or not, your actions, deeds and involvement with them has to be a positive impact on them. Friendships have suffered in the past cause of neglect and too much negative criticism...

So yea.

And to you please, no games. I know where I stand. For now. :)

Nursery rhyme

It doesn't matter what they think
It doesn't matter what they say
As long as I'm happy with my life
I'm not going throught with it all the way.

Random things tt matter

I have a million and one things to do right now, and people pulling me in all directions. Yesterday morning woke and stared at the ceiling for fifteen whole minutes redrawing out my four concentric circles of priorities.

But it still didnt end out on the right note..hmm..prolly coz i didnt get much done after I left for school...;( I have to be consistent this sem and not imagine for some miracle wonderous extra brain implanted just before term tests and exams..

help.

should we help those that blatantly need help, or those that dont think they do need help but somehow we can advance their lives so that there will be more people like them to help others who'd need help?

i find it awkward to ignore someone tt I know from previous encounters, but if that particular someone has been ignoring me for the past one and a half years everytime we meet, what make's me think this time would be any different? there's only sucha level tt anyone can take, and furthermore, i just kinda realised tt for frens to happen, the effort has to be mutual. so mutual it is.


execution was good, planning i have no idea yet, and personally i think things could have been done better on my part. but its always the case isnt it. saw many cases of damsels in distress. and got really irritated by a few huge male egos.

i hate (gender) stereotypes, since i've been breaking them from the day I was born.

Here I go again. berbelit-ing.

Everything takes time. Children grow and learn, societies evolve (for better or worse), seasons change...ok la ok la i've lost my point.

All I'm saying is this hasnt been occuring just coz it's happened at this moment in time. It's a process, a system that has been passed down for the last few years. Don't you think we're all aware of it? Don't you see how hard it is for the system, for a whole organisation to change it's way of working just like that? I hate to put the blame on anyone, and as those most in control of the situation, the power to change is rightfully and moralistically ours to acknowledge.

Yet things have to been seen in the context of the situation and personalities that brought about the 'crisis' so called.

Personally, I've always taken the backseat to a strong way of working. I've always let others taken charge when things are going right, and only move forward if i see no one else is doing the job or when ive been told to do sthg. like in rgs, in tpjc drama, interact...I guess I've only woken up when I left jc.

Now things are different and I'm still learning. From the way I see it, we can either run forward or sink. as the ones before us did.

but while we're at it, trust us that we'd put in our heart and soul.

pain

Sometimes it doesn't help to be a helpless romantic and be such an analytical thinker both. You can go to such extremes and play all the wrong things at the worst of times. And make yourself go bonkers feeling hurt and pain when to someone else it's all just another moment in life to look behind on, having moved on, tt was sthg SO way passe.

Aiyah. Get a life lah Aisyah.

Moving on! okay yesterday was a good nite staying over at Mars' place in johore. had a nice relaxed time with frens n ppl i just met. thanks mars for inviting me over, and the rest as well for the funny ideas to entertain ourselves and the kids. haha. too bad some of us fell asleep so soon, the air con in the room was so shiok...but things went as they shud, and everyone had fun..

saw beautiful fireworks! actually i've never been a fan of fireworks. like i was on the packed bridge on national day two years back and it was SO damn crowded and all i wanted was to get to city hall mrt from the merlion, but i couldnt move coz everyone was rooted on the spot staring at the sky.

But yesterday was different. It was like seeing those artistic bursts of light from new eyes, something both symbolic of power, richness of tradition and festivity in a nation where you are the minority.

Happy Chinese New Year people, both Malaysians and Singaporeans alike =)

working on personal stuff which i neglected sometime back...still a long way to go to get them right back on track. but I'm not giving up...

and right now gotta get back to the concept ppr for our latest project in june. tataz=)

Crushed.

Yadabladaboo=(

I hate thinking abt these things cause they have no answers and u'll just go ard beating abt the bush until u're direct with one another and there's no chance of THAT ever occuring coz well. There's a communication problem i presume.

I thought I was strong enough to not get involved in these sticky issues this sem but apparently not enough. URhhhhh only you can get urself out of the crunch and let the pain be ur elixair...I wanna shoot down all the butterflies in my stomach just to feel acid running down the sides..

In this mood I just hate those perfect people in perfect relationships running along living their perfect lives. *no offense whatsoever to those perfect people running their perfect lives*

Focus. Focus. Either than or learn to multi task.

Oh shucks I totally don't know what to do...feeling a million butterflies in my tummy right now, never saw this coming..

nice quote!

creation
I am a choreographer. A choreographer is a poet. I do not create. God creates. I assemble, and I will steal from everywhere to do it.

-George Balanchine

We have so many tools to work with when we create, and one of them is our intelligence. We get an idea, and that is the spark that sends our creativity into play. We figure out how to get something done, how we can make something better, more efficient, more productive, or more beautiful.

-Lissa Coffey

I finally did what I've been wanting to do for so long!!! ANd it turned out alright!!! *wheee*

Been meeting up with old acquaintances and friends. Thanks gurls for making it all worthwhile..things will get better and be like as before.:) To everyone I met over the past weekend; it was FUN meeting up with u again!! hehe..my rg frens, tpjc frens and some nus peeps...

and the worse promise to break is a promise to yourself...:( *boo*

Dialecticism

Finally realise why I've been having writer's block in the past few days. (Not that I'm much of a writer.) Whenever I wanna blog it just get scared that it'll not come out the way I want it to.And finally I kinda understand why: it's coz I've not understood my purpose of writing. Of late I've just been ranting out my feelings and, through all that's have happened (all the confrontations and truth and such) maybe everything isn't so aligned together anymore.

Previously it was just a whole mess, coupled with hazy boundaries. Now it's all placed in between one another, like kuih lapis. I'm not in the right, and maybe I don't need to be...Every situation is different, every moment embraces you in a different way. Every person has their own perspectives and will never truly understand you the way you want them to no matter how hard you make believe you can make them understand. We're all just born different. There's no start to my search, and probably no end. Maybe it seems I'm not moving forward, or more than that moving backwards a million steps. But trust me when I say that I try. Maybe thus far I'm more of a talker analyser say it all but not doing anything kinda gurl. And it takes a true friend to wake me out of this walking unconsciousness.

Right now, I don't wanna say too much out loud for fear of making any more promises that I'd most likely break. But that's okay...I don't think I'm being selfish that way...What I think may not necessarily be who I am anyway...I don't subscribe to such thinking...

I really don't know what to say. To a large extent I've been brought up to live up to other people's expectations. I know it's irresponsible to see things that way, it's as though I have no control over your life.

But alright, I've come to two conclusions so far:
1) Insecurity is the root of all my problems: Friendships, ambitions, my personality, my existence, my relations with God and everything else in this world.

2) I'd stop thinking about unnecessary littlethings in life that used to bugg me SO much and focus on the more important things that really matter-which actually amount to only 4 concentric circles. =)

Thank you.

Thank you =)

Creating creativeness...

Was having a heated debate online with dayana on the similarities of some girls from a particular school.

My arguement was:

What all these girls have in common is that they are too technical. They focus too much on getting things right that they ignore what are the possibilities that they come across, other perspectives to do things, that eliminates creativity and breeds a culture where there are rigid rules for working and people are afraid to cross those rules because no one is open to it.

For example; a friend wants to study together, but the friend she wants to study with is a major slacker in that module. Instead of motivating that friend along and helping her wherever she can, she totally avoids the friend because she feels that varying from her learning style is not going to be so good for her in the end.

Her arguement was:

Girls from that school have been guided to be efficient and effective and as such avoids pitfalls where the risk is very high and venturing into it is a no-no.

Ok, fine. Nobody would want to walk straight into the lion's den. But my ideal is, what has never been done in the past may not necessarily mean it can't be done in the future. I mean who defines what makes sthg work? It's societal acceptability right? And who defines societal acceptability? US!!

Point being, the past should only act as a guide for the future, not a drawing board where the parameters have already been set.

Maybe that has been what's guiding me in recent years. That's why I'm always jumping from one thing to the next. I'm not really a plodder. More of an experimenter. But I know ppl get exasperated with me coz I never get the previous work done efficiently.
(which I do sit myself down and try to get it done sometimes!)

I'll never fully know my limits and will keep exploring them until I get tired. And I get jaded if I can't jump into sthg new from time to time. It's my adrenalin, my power, my goal...

randomness

i pledge not to be an outright bitch this semester.
ok, not that ive been one, but i can impatient at times to ppl who are really too patient towards me. You know who you are.
I must must must must not take ppl close to me for granted anymore.

Anyway, I dont really do yearly updates anymore. Since my birthday coincides with the first week of every semester 1, I tend to start anew at that period of time, so yup my resolutions are still in the running.

Anyhows, this (academic year) I'm proud to know tt the little voice inside my head has grown louder. that little voice aint so overwhelmed and moven out and exasperated by the cacaphony of voices in my head anymore.

so yeay. and i've come to realise with everything that's given to you,
God has actually tailor made your challenges, especially for you.
There's no other way to see it.
Interwoven your parchment of threads into the web of life.
Everyone, together.
But your thickness of thread (passion), your colour of thread (intention)and material (actions) are mostly determined by you.
Not that He doesn't know all that.
But ultimately, You have a choice.

I pledge to be less influenced by hedonism this year.
Hedonism. word of january 2006. hehe.

How can we find ways to make stuff interesting and fun but learn at the same time?
and my little bro shall be my experimental "rat". wee hehe..

everytime i come back from the holdays i get so swiped up by romantic ideas (its the scenery i tell you, it's so out of this world that u tend to think of alternatives) that i kinda leave the world tt im living in until i get run over by reality i lose hope so fast the nostalgia evaporates quickly.

so this time, i tried to get back to reality while hope was still there.
and i realise: that i still need time to think it over.
but hedonistic attitudes must not persist.

whee.

told u tt little voice was creeping out on me.


creepy.

Ok oh...

Ok, Dilah just tagged me with this:

Rules of the game:
1. Post 5 weird/random stuff abt yourself
2. At the end, list the names of 5 ppl who you want next to this and leave a comment "YOU ARE TAGGED" in their blogs and tell them to read your blog for rules!So here's 5 really, really weird/random stuffs:

1. The truth is, I'm really sucky at this kind of personal info divulging stuff. I mean, I can give you my opinion on lots of things, but when it comes to personal stuff like this I go...ERRRrrrrr...so yea, point is I guess I spend too much time worrying about the big stuff and real impersonal stuff to worry about myself. But I spend a lot of time with myself too. Ok, I'm confused. Maybe I just know myself too well but I don't see the point of divulging stuff to people. Ok, Aisyah, shuttup.

2. My favourite movie of all time is "Land before Time." I first watched it when I was like four. You know the dinosaur kids that got lost from their parents and had to travel as a group to the newfound place where all their family members have moved to? With all the cute little dinosaurs. I don't recall their names and why they got separated in the first place, but I know I can cry even if I watch it now. It just professes the ideal story with trust, courage, finding yourself, friendship and family all tied together. And the characters are really cute. siiiigh.

3. Thanks to my mom, who works at SIA 23.59/7, my family goes on trips every year. So far the list includes LA, California, Florida & New York, Switzerland, Germany, Holland, New Zealand, Hong Kong, San Francisco, Perth and Brisbane. So I guess you could strike up a convo with me regarding the places you've been to. Just don't sound too hard to impress.

4. Ok, that last post sounded so bitchy. I don't know why but some people write me off as a snob from first impressions. That or unjokable, sour or sad. Or maybe then, I do know why after all huh. It's the rich brat attitude I've been indoctrinated with. (oh, excuses, Aisyah) ok really, sometimes it's just a defense mechanism to get people to stay away from me when I'm not in the mood. (I guess that IS kinda bitchy...)

5. I like to pull people's toes. But they must be clean. oh, and I like massaging feet. (Not just anyone's lah. Must be people tt I like.) Like they call out to me...(help...I'm in paaaain...This person that owns me is too heavy for me...)And I guess when I massage I can feel the pain oozing out. ok, is THAT wierd enuff? hehe.

ok, watch out you!!

mars-zati-boonhian-shaz-yiting

50-50

INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Emotional face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

The Past, The Present and The Future

I used to wonder...

Why rainforests were only found in third world contries when they provide such diversity that would inspire people to care about the environment...

How some animals can be domesticated when they're counterparts actually rule the animal kingdom...

Why some people have more power to change things than others do...

What makes people change...

What brings change...

What is change...

Any maybe I'm not so confused like I was anymore. :)

Thnks Rebutia...:)

Don't ask.

Your dating personality profile: Religious - Faith matters to you. It is the foundation that you build your life upon. You trust that God has a plan for you. Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active. Intellectual - You consider your mind amongst your assets. Learning is not a chore but a constant search after wisdom and knowledge. You value education and rationality.

Your date match profile: Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life. Athletic - You aren't looking for a couch potato. You seek someone who is active and who keeps his body in top shape. Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Religious 2. Athletic 3. Intellectual 4. Big-Hearted 5. Stylish 6. Wealthy/Ambitious 7. Traditional 8. Liberal 9. Sensual 10. Adventurous

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Religious 2. Athletic 3. Big-Hearted 4. Practical 5. Intellectual 6. Traditional 7. Stylish 8. Shy 9. Conservative 10. Sensual

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions