Of Singlehood

So all this talk about getting serious with someone is beginning to get to me. Like, friends saying I should get to know this guy and that. Aights, happy couples may shoot me once I'm done, but well here's my take on things.

I feel that for this moment in time it's about being you in your own skin, without being attached to anyone else. I've always taken advice from my mom who says that you should focus on yourself before looking to perfect any relationship. All relationships would have their problems anyway, and sometimes it's an endless cycle. You have more problems coming out from insecurity, of wanting to know where you stand in each others' eyes, of argueing about what you expect out of each other, you have to deal with how you compare to his past exes, it's like creating problems and worry out of something that you know you can choose to ignore completely. And my dad says people tend to end up with people who have the same traits as themselves. The whole Iffah concept. Sometimes it's so easy to take advice from them cause I do wanna look into the future and have that ideal relationship that my parents have. 23 years from the day they got married, the romance and love is still strong. They appreciate one another for what they do and are proud to express it in front of their kids. Call me a traditionalist, but some factors in their relationship would have to work still in this day and age.

I guess I've never really realised it before, but I tend to take stuff like this seriously and well...future-orientedly. And I know sometimes I may come across as being uncertain and maybe that can send mixed signals of who I really am. But I don't find it wrong to be still looking for yourself at this age, especially in this day. Why the hurry? We're not born in our grandma's age where a girl HAS to get married or she'll have no future by societal standards. Ladies have choices now. And we'd need to choose our paths wisely, especially when you have to be stronger and certain about what you want these days before people decide it for you. I'm talking generally, like career paths, education paths, who you hang out with, what you choose to do with your free time, whether you choose to support a cause, get a part-time job, etc. There's so many things to do and so little time. And I'd rather explore all options before I settle down and get tied down to someone. Sometimes I feel relationships can get a liittle self-indulgent. You know the whole "dah makan?" concept when you pick up and ask every single detail about one's day, I just can't imagine doing that to anyone. Plus I've got enough things to occupy my time. I've got to be a part-time mom/mentor figure to my 10/13/15 year old sibs when my parents are not home, long term planning for MS stuff after exams are over, trying to think of ways on how to improve general health of singaporeans especially the Malays when I graduate but figuring it out now during the hols-there's so much potential in the life science industry that's not being explored and potentially cashed upon-in terms of health standards, education of the public and business avenues, wanna be active in international organisations too-at the bottom of the page on the left are the two mains ones I wanna go into, and help the community at large. It's fun when you get to affect positive change on someone else's lives. It's not just about doing good to be a good person, so that you know you can say you've done all that.

It's not as though I've not dreamt of some ideal conconction: I'd want someone forward-looking, expressive, romantic, opinionated, intelligent, socially aware and quick-witted. Someone who can deal with problems as they come along independently, to bounce ideas off each other, and I'd wanna be independent too. I don't wanna be weak. To digress: the main common denominator in all broken marriages is that the women were dominated by men, or they weren't strong enough to hold the home together. I'd always thought kids grow up to learn their mom's values and their dad's worldview. If your dad sees you destined to be a housewife, the child will learn to realise that as her self-fulfilling prophesy. If your mom was a strong-principled woman, you'd grow up to learn a lot from her.
Also, sometimes I tend to realise ladies that are well off & married in happy homes tend to be super busy with their new lives that they don't dabble in new hobbies, or take time to learn more about the outside world. It's like a self-made cocoon once you're settled down, cause life is just about fulfilling your husband's needs. Fair enough, that's important. But...you know, being socially aware and active is important too. Every single hand and brain matters, especially in our community.

On the other hand, maybe I've just given up on any hope for now. There's a million things to catch on anyway, so why bother? And not that I'm being egoistic or anything, but I just feel self-assured that somehow in someway I'd end up with someone before alarm bells go ringing. I mean, life's not how every princess wishes it to be, and i know I lack total experience in that aspect and I do care, but somehow, I'm not worried about not being with anyone for now. Sometimes I feel people tie themselves down just to be seen as cool to be together with someone, cause it's like everyone's doing it, or to know that you have someone to depend on, when they're actually just tieing themselves down.

SO... if you're out there and single, trust me, I feel you have SO much more in life to live and give. =)

BOO!

OK! i've decided to take a break from personal stuff right now...coz i've pretty much not decided on how to take it all yet until it's all internalised, digested and absorbed by my little brain...but until then!!

1. LOST recaps
It's a total blow-by-blow account of ALL the LOST episodes that have been shown in the US, which is like 15 episodes ahead of us. 15!!! so u can imagine how much information you can get from reading this! weehehehe...Issues like: did jack and kate finally hit it off? did they find the "others"? Why did desmond actually have to press the button every 108 mins, and if he doesn't would the whole island actually explode? And while reading u can somewhat make connections to life. some things to pander abt: Pressing the button=paranoia to do something because people tell you to, and you don't wanna take the risk of not taking the right path; the tailies (those that landed on the island with the tail end of the plane) and the headies (no 2nd guesses) ending up with totally different turnouts simply cause of their environments= evolution of society due to their surroundings; the development of leadership, the issues dealing with survival, the paranoia of humans and paralells in relating their current experiences with their past experiences. WAY HOT. and somewhere read that the sound that the island makes sounds like MRI, done to scan cancer tumours, ie. some HUGE scanning machine that can trek down where everyone is. CREEPY.

2. dressupgames.com

As the title states, you can play ALL kinds of dressing up games, from dressing up to prom, to make up, to fancy dress parties, to dressing up horses, and even wierd looking creatures like rabbits (that look like playboy rabbits come to think of it) and fairies. Pure fun or for any gurl who needs help to decide on her new look this coming hols.hehehe. Mah sis afiyah/fifi/kutil introduced me to it and she's got me addicted. she's like 13 btw. and no i don't think i had a deprived childhood, but i would have serious doubts about this now that i'm addicted. ~*

was so nice so see everyone again at Ramen 10. and the food is absolutely tear jerking. definitely going back there again.

ALL THE BEST FOR EXAMS ppl! just think of the 3 months of pure bliss when its ALLLL overr............

Death

Death. Don't you just keep hearing about it all around nowadays? Someone just told me that her friend's sister died, and she was just a few years' older than us. Cause unknown yet to us, cause she's not that close to that friend.

To me, death seems to be an abstract concept. I've never lost a close loved one before. Not even a peer that I really truly knew. The last time a really close relative died, it was my arwah grandpa, my second one on my paternal side as my granny married twice, and i was young and naive enough to be more preoccupied with the cockroach stuck in the kemenyan holder than to grieve solemnly over the dead body just two metres away.

If anyone of my relatives passed away, I wouldn't know what to think or do.
But why do people have to die?
MAH THEORY:
Well it's sthg that's somewhat like the law of diminishing returns in economics. Or rather an anti-law of it. You can't have too much of a good thing otherwise you'd take it for granted.
The one who's passed on into the afterlife has no more chances in this one. i.e. GONE. KA-BAM! CLOSED ACCOUNTS, SORRY NO MORE CHECKING IN OF ACCOUNT BALANCES! The only way he can continue his good deeds would be only 3 particularly fragile ways: through his descendents, good things that come out from his wealth, and knowledge that was passed on during his lifetime.
Another simple answer would be cause God wants us living ones to realise that everything comes from Him. He will take away what He wishes and we have no say nor control over the matter.
We all have a real life ticking clock right within us, above us, around us, guiding along our lives til the very end. And at the finishing line, most of us will feel like we're not ready yet to cross over and answer all sorts of questions that hasn't really been tested in the exams we've sat for all our lives. And if we fail this exam...ahHhHHh....there's not exactly another sub-paper that you can take or another module to replace that glaring F you received.

Speaking of exams, I've finally conceeded that it's particularly impossible to get that out of reach dream I once had. Aiyah dun bluff me lah, you also had that dream when you entered NUs one. you know, that one. No need to say lah, embarassed already. SO yeah. I calculated, and i'd need an average CAP of 5.18/5 for the next three sems to even be close to it. So urh...forget theologically, intellectually, spiritually, and all other -allies, it's not even mathematically possible.

I can somewhat see a pattern in the mods I've taken and this are the stuff I kinda dig:

1. Evolution of culture/human civilisation
2. Literature (how ideas are translated and read through diff periods in history + how ppl think at that particular period)
3. Interpersonal communication
4. Management
5. General theories
6. Health and medicine
I should have started with a major in lit and maybe a minor in life science rather than trying to do the other way around.
Plus I wanna work in the social services industry, or rather have a job where i get to interact with ppl. Doing research is cool, and I really salute ppl who can do it 24/7, but counting bacterial colonies on nutrient agar plates just isnt...my plate of agar...(HAHA geddit, geddit?!) Maybe nursing is for me...found myself staring at them advertisements on the train ride home after my "intentionally on purpose getting lost session" at Orchard.
But still, the possibilities are endless. And I hate the idea of doing only ONE thing all my life. I'm a renaissance soul. Heh, read that somewhere in a book i picked up from Borders: someone who keeps doing different things, and can't settle on one particular passion...I mean there's like a million ways to save the earth, help the community, make soneone's day, and not to mention all the types of stuff i end up doing in school...new ppl to meet...the more radically different from me the more enticing they become...seriously...hehe...

SO ok, last pt...today, of all days, during one of my LSM lectures with the tutor, who's really good at explaining stuff agst the idea of mass tutorial, when half the cohort don't attend coz they either know all the answers or they haven't done it and will find it a waste of time if they attend, STHG HIT ME: These, right here, sitting and listening intently to her every single word, were all the MUGGERTOADS who would take over the entire SPECTRUM of A+, A, A-, B+, B and maybe even half of the B- ses. Okay, MUGGERTOADS is just too harsh a word. More like people who are focused, superliciously hardworking and know what they want from the day ONE, from the time they matriculated in, the time where we felt super-conscious about our wierd looking photos and during awkward moments in making frens.
In comparison, me being the starry-eyed, idealistic girl who was still searching...on what she wanted to do with her life: I was probably just a little, a little tad bit outta my league.
Maybe they just do deserve that honours degree a million times more than I do.

And now that I've finally gotten that out of my system, I feel much lighter. =)
=)

=)

omg! i just did a partial haiku by accident!! hahahahahhahaha.
sorry. im really stressed. my intellectually stimulating posts would be back very soon. meanwhile im off to tahiti with 2103.

omg another haiku!

Claching

Have you ever felt sometimes that just as everything is crystal clear and intact, it all shatters down like glass shards being broken into a thousand pieces?

Cracking, shaking, shattering, falling.

KA-CLUNK!

BOOM!BANG!BOOOSH!



Brain-dead.

The Newest Testament

5 things I've learnt in the past year:

5. My brother has the ability to communicate with me quite well. And vice versa, if i judge his moods and reactions correctly. And with that suddenly everything falls into place, and family's my second priority right now after God and personal self development. OCS family day was great! Had prata in the canteen when my sis popped the ultimate question:
Afiyah: Eh, why NS guys must cut their hair ah?
Me: So that when they crawl under the bushes then they don't get stuck there.
Afiyah: Oh later if they get stuck under the bushes then the person behind them push then their heads get cut off and remain hanging under the bushes ah? (Morbid!)
Adilah: (trying to come up with a better reason) So that they cannot keep weapons in their hair...(come to think of it isnt tt a good thing??)
Luqman: Otherwise they all become afro ppl when they go into the jungle...like in LOST...

KWANG KWANG...damn lame seh...

4. Everyone's got something that they see that others won't be able to see. Their own hidden talent. But how much you're able to express it depends on the need, the want and the will.

3. [editted]I've learnt the true meaning of friendship. It's about giving, and by chance or calculated risk, getting something back in return. Sorry if I've offended anyone in the earlier point. I guess I've got to manage how to handle certain kinds of people. But I've forgiven. Life goes on.

2. I get bored when i can't overanalyse. And i don't like being told what to do. I guess i've discovered my new control freak streak. but it's not really a control freak streak. it's more like an idealistic version of a control freak streak, so until i can find a proper name to term it i shall call it the aisyah streak.

1. I'm finally doing something meaningful in my life, I've found what I want to do. My niche. I guess the secret is just to continue doing what you love, despite what others have to say about it. And believeing in your dreams no matter what.

So screw all the critics. I'm jamming to the voice within.

Anyway tdy right after metabolism lecture (which ended at 10 am!)i suddenly had the urge to get down to tampines interchange macs and have breakfast. Sya couldn't understand the happiness on my face at such an abstract idea. It was refreshing I tell ya. Just get out of the whole jin bang rat race of things and sit and stare and see normal people dealing with everyday issues. And trying to read, well, them. It was hot. Recommended to anyone who's got the urge to relax. =)

narcissistic-escapisim

ok la, the post on not being malay is a bit exaggerated. so i take it back..somewhat. i mean, you know, im still 25% javanese-sumatran.. (berkirer sak budak nie)

looked thru my kid photos. when i was like just born. and discovered some shocking things:

shock #1: I learnt how to smile when i was 4 months! and all this while i was deluded that i leart only when i was 16 when my braces fell off! (still remember farah saying "why do u look like you're in pain when you smile?!" coz i used to not show my teeth and the edges of my mouth turned down..hahahaha so somehow i forgot how to smile growing up...

shock #2: urh actually this one not shock one. it's more like a sudden realisation as i flipped thru the pages. at 4 i was still celebrating my birthday with a huge 4-shaped bday cake with my parents and aunts and uncles at my granny's hse..katerkan..eldest cousin kan..so macam growing up with so many ppl doting on you...

and then suddenly the people disappeared. the celebrations and outings became less. the everyone smiling to the camera happily pictures became more disparate.

and i couldn't help bursting out in tears...all these years i felt neglected not coz they didn't love me anymore and i felt that sudden form of neglect and loneliness all these years growing up with broken promises and missing people...it was the shift tt affected me. because i was given so much to begin with. the sudden loss made it feel all the more empty.

new families, work, self-developments, other commitments.

I've only realised what caused all that confusion, only now.

Just cause people don't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they can.

You dont know what you've got 'til it's gone.

The more you have, the more pain you feel when it's lost. And in the confusion you'll always have that ideal to get back the ideal of the way things were.

revival of the simplistic mind

Two things:

1. Having high expectations is a good thing only if you internalise the reasons for wanting to do so. was reading some random juniors' blogs and the memories came flooding back. what am i doing now that's so recurrent and what can i do to change anything i'd want to?

2. Having everything doesn't mean you're gonna make use of it wisely. You may even take it for granted. or worse, be riak about it.

just a constant reminder to myself.

anyway to random wierd mean people who get a perverse triumphant feeling from leaving anonymous statements on my post (including the birthday wish from last year AND the random input on my johari's window), please, if ure not gonna tell me who you are then do find something meaningful to do with ur life. it's sincerely for your own good too, you know.

i always get ideas to blog but soon forget when i sit in front of them comp. sigh, not fated la huh.

family

i'm really proud of my siblings. they're beginning to come to their own and show a sense of independence and forming their own mind and world view. which im totally in approval of.

though we may all come from totally different social circles and framework, there's just a common understanding, probably infused from our parents. its comforting somewhat, coz i just feel that my family isn't like most other malay families. we're just a little different.

i think i can place it on idealism. my parent's are those that infuse us with big ideas and ideals, and though they do acknowledge constraints like the education system and money matters, they still let us do what we feel is morally right, as well as things to maximise our potential in the long run. as individuals in all dimensions. plus the fact that we're not culturally rooted in the malay dimensions. i mean, to me being malay is a simply related to language. all those customs are mostly what third cousins practice, or my parent's colleagues if they invite us over for weddings. the malay world view is as personal to me as the reason why medieval monks keep beating themselves. well, aside from the fact that the people i sort of see often are practising it. and you don't see monks beating themselves in public nowadays.

but of course from language comes a certain understanding of how we see the world. thus romantic malay notions relating to surrounding nature, esp the beach. hehe. di tepi pantai...

pragmatism doesn't rule in my family. it's just a consequence of survival.

and even thou i've been having wierd ideas of late of settling down after marriage to become a full time housewife(it's wierd for me, trust me) i realise the best way is just what my mom's doing now. not only for the money (that aside, remember, pragmatism doesn't rule) but also for the fact that she knows what's out there, she's subjected to the real world. and she can tell us about it when she comes home to prepare dinner for us. it's a win-win situation, and i've told her that. besides, it's not about how much time you spend with your kids anyway. it's about quality time.

so in all, my family's perfect for me. just like everyone elses' is right for them.

unconfused

i had a long thought about it the long ride journey home.

I just can't seem to put a finger on it.

But for all the lack of rhyme or reason, it all boils down to one person.

Those in the know , will know.

Ultimately, i look out for three things in friends: sincerity, honesty and good values.

Call me boring and a total wet blanket but i can't laugh along and pretend everything's alright when my insides are screaming "HYPOCRITE!!!"

I've decided on a new stand: that i'll enter and continue to enter ppl's lives on a good note from now on. and those that i really don't know how to deal with will stay stagnant until sthg positive comes along to enter into their lives again.
lives just too short to waste on wasting time.
I know what I want now so don't pity me. I'm much happier being alone. Rather be alone and understanding myself than being hypocritical with a million friends.

And by hypocrite, i mean ME.

SNAP.

All you FREAKING MATS who call needlessly at random hours of the night asking for my sister to flirt with and to talk to, please i beg you, do just plainly find better things to do with your time.

Kau ni pun samer la dilah. Kau gi layan diorang sumer buat pe, hah. Balik-balik buat kawan aje tak de salah ah tapi kau gi fikiiiir la panjang-panjang jauh jauh sikit. Buat kawan tu ader baiknyer la. Tapi kau sendiri mestipun ader pendirian sendiri ah.

And mr muhammad imran bin mustapha please get your BUTT back home this instant right NOW! how DARE you leave for tioman just 1 week after your habis BMT with your flinging friends! i didn't even see your straight (straighter than my leper one anyway) batang hidung much at home before you went hooray hooraying away with your new found friends.

alah KAK it's all YOUR fault la. can't you see. if you hadn't been so busy with OTHER WORK which is apparently more important than your family then of coz he's gonna think so and do so. all you can do is write a measely testimonial for him. bearing all the dirty secrets. He was home the whole weekend while you were outside doing stuff for other people.

Your own brother. neglected.

Mass people of society, do NOT neglect your family. At the end of the day, your life, you'll feel empty dying without knowing how much you can really know them.

please lah aisyah. that only applies to you can?

honesty

As much as i'd like to admit that I've been honestly telling you everything that I would want to in my previous posts, it's come to make me realise that I've been unwittingly self-censoring myself according to whom I feel would get slighted or read too much into my words.

And it's not that I'd not want to express myself clearly, but I guess as of late the whole world would be intertwined in my thoughts and as to avoid abovementioned situation i have resorted to complaning about the most mundane and obvious.

Maybe it's just in my nature to be uptight and polite and non-expressive, especially in negative situations. As much as I'd like to be direct and open and expect others to think i'm trying to just be constructive, you'd have to adjust your level of criticism and tone according to the person whom your talking to. And considering the multiple roles that I've come to realise I play towards different people it's just not me at the moment to express myself in one single way. I mean, I don't think it's hypocritical. I'm still me. But the way i tell things out would differ according to whom i talk to. And I have no idea who reads my blog.

Yes, I try to understand and get everyone to see eye to eye. That's why I usually end up trying to get the person whom I'm talkin to to see the opposing view when I'm actually supposed to be comforting her/him. I tend to take the neutral stand. the one in which everyone wins. some people might take it as a loser way out. the people pleasing way. but ultimately you're not able to move ahead without having the mandate of people around you, without their support and trust.

everything's just a blur right now.

torn

i will not feel sorry for myself.

many uncertainties for the future. heedless to say about schoolwork. dreams being put on hold. misunderstandings that lead to nonsensical bickering. growing apart. growing up. growing tensions with matters left unsaid. and a growing friendship that might not break even in the end.=(

at least my family's been much happier=)


All this too will pass.

bleargh

some people are just SO irritating. Just SO freaking irritating. I mean, wth, i'm just trying to help you to see your point and GET through to you but you know what, more than simply pushing me away you turn your back and start pointing fingers at me. FINE. Maybe i've irritated you enough to get through to you. Maybe you just don't see the point of sharing anything with me. Maybe you just have given up on me trying to understand you coz i don't respect you not wanting to tell me anything in the first place.

FINE.

the same old thang

well my bro did as he expected and I'm glad he's happy. Alhamdulillah. What's next is totally left to him to decide. Maybe a scholarship overseas.

Anyway I'm supershocked at some stuff i just saw on frenster. I know i'm always living in my own bubble and need to like awaken myself..and that's how people like me are perceived by "others"..but on the other hand, there's also a case of space. breaks. to define yourself and what you're not.

understanding is the key.

not being judgemental.

U gotta be kidding rite?

Miracles can happen if u believe. Today i managed to join the discussion on 17th century porn without actually feeling self-conscious or blushing about it. way cool eh? haha.

ok, before anyone bereaves on the hypocrisy attached to tudung girls these days again (looks solemnly at mars)..relax...it's just for this mod tt i'm taking discussing love poetry. apparently in their time there were two extreme schools of thought: that love was carnal and just all about sexual pleasure,nothing more, while another school of thought was that love was something constantly seeking for a higher spiritual end, considered platonic love. (it's amazing how the meaning has evolved up until tdy eh? haha. platonic now means nothing gg on..budden hmm, can also mean tt theres no sexual relations but just simply love for the sake of each other)

so yup..we were discussing poetry on both..all about dealing with emotions..no clear cut rules on that sometimes..

haha arly and me were sharing that having old chang kee in school is actually a ploy by the government to increase the number of babies made in singapore. I mean, everyone knows that OCK makes u simply FAT, putting on layers of blubber. and fats are actually a good storage medium for hormones, apart from the usual ones that give u muscles and makes u lie under stress, there's your beloved sex hormones, oestrogen and testosterone. so indirectly by giving us means to eat and get fat, we'd have higher levels of sex hormones and as such...(you do the logic here)...would have higher chances of falling in love (romantically speaking) and (God forbid, no extramarital affairs please, =P) get married and wallah have KIDS!


So moral of the story is, next time you buy a stick of sotong balls or crab meat at ur frenly YIH OCK, remember that it's actually the government's scheme to make you, yes YOU, have more babies. and to think they planted that time bomb right under our very innocent noses.

now im wondering if i should let the opposition in on that so tt they can have yet another rhetorical debate on how we're decreasing the level of intellectualism and thus affecting the process maturation of society in singapore by encouraging our undergrads to engage in such whimsical premarital affairs.


oh oh and you know the line that says
"all cute guys are either attached, married, or gay."?

well, i could always vouch for the first two. But now, maybe I'm enlightened to the whole phrase. For those who know what's been happening of late, you do the math. I really dunnow where to put my face man.

oh and had a good time catching up with Adila mohc. maybe a one-on-one is just my style of things. or maybe i just need to get rid of clutter whenever i chillout with ppl.

'A' level results tmr! goooot luck to my bro, and every everyone else!!=)

Ok i finally caved in! haha.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Siti+Aisyah

do let me know who you are thou! =) then i'll do yours!! wayy cool rite?

oh and i wanted to write a poem tt went sthg like this:


shucks. pantun-fright. arhhh!

Piece of Life

Was having an internship meeting yesterday morning and it just struck me how vulnerable the whole project was. We've never tried it out before and it's totally brand new, all theory and not yet put into practical. Yet at the same time, most of those working on it do believe in it, and so do I, and as such I have strong faith that thing would work out.

I mean, ideally, isn't all that we do based on working towards ideals? That particular mindframe, state of mind, idea of how things should be run? That we strive hard in our lives, personal goals, relationships, studies, outside stuff such as this, to ensure that what we can do to make things the way we feel they should be implemented into our lives and our surroundings?

Thinking about it, MS and any other organisation is really a platform to try out your ideas, cause even when you say community service, but wouldn't that be UNDER an external organisation, and you'd be running under their agenda rather than your own? Where else can you get together with a group of like minded friends to push forward what you collectively believe in? To set your own agenda, push forward together and strive for what you all think is good all around? To bring forth your OWN ideas for society.

Thus my dear juniors, don't be disheartened from the past if some things/events don't work out the way you want it to be. If you've got ideas/suggestions and changes you'd want to implement, don't let anything stop you. Step forward, be brave and work together with your peers to make it happen..the way you want it to be. This is all about YOU, all about US trying to make a difference. Cause isn't life all about striving for what we believe in is right?

Ultimately, the one who will make the change is the one who dares to take risks, step forward and go the extra mile to make things happen.. with that particular idea in mind to make it happen, with calculated risks and sound judgement..

And you'll always have your peers to support you..

honesty

i love people who are honest to me. Who know that despite what no matter what happens, sometimes it's more important for the truth to happen and be out then for me(and many others) to be living my life without that extra guidance from a true friend.

Thanks filzah:) and thanks sha for setting that beautiful example..you're inspiring just being who you are, and i'm really glad you did what you did..*hugs*hehe=) dun be so overwhelmed k..relax..

i realise it now, that i've got to be so much braver and stronger than who i really am right now..and definitely for the very right reasons..not just to make things work the way i believe they should be but for the bigger purpose..all for Him...

In pieces.

I can practically DIE of guilt right now..Did sthg that I SO wasn't supposed to do..Totally made the wrong decision and made the wrong moves..this is definitely one example when agression totally didn't play a part..screw what they taught us..ppl aren't necessarily as agressive with what they think when they ought to be...ARGH! And ultimately the one to blame is the one who put front the idea..don't u watch the apprentice?


I'm feeling rather *beep* at the way things are right now, and depressed that things can't change so easily.

But I do realise that ultimately it's really not abt me at all, but the whole set up of things.











_________________________________
And this is what I want, but not what I expect..totally...I'm happy but not in bliss..maybe we're both takin too much of calculated risks..and i can't bail out coz for once there's no valid reason to do so..

Confuscious said...

Forewarned: This is gonna get messy, as the author just wants to get her thoughts out to ppl whom whe won't meet in due time coz of their respective busy schedules and so it's not a pretty pretty post but more of a random update.

____________________
Anyhoos!

Today was such a good day! And so was yesterday!
I hate having good days coz if i'm not careful it'll taper off to slackerish-dom and everything would go tongang terbalik!

my definition of a good day is anyhow when i manage to do what i wanna on tt day itself as well as manage to look out for considerable possibilities of what i wanna do next for time ahead.
usually it involves people..i like making connections with people and knowing tt sthg constructive came out of my interactions with them.
and doing new things...i guess only my sec sch frens can really understand the extent of the change within me..sometimes i feel that time is just running so short to do all that i wanna do!

reflections:

1) it's so easy to criticise but not to do, so easy to manage but not to lead, so easy to think but not to implement.
2) i can get super bossy at times and i'm really sorry to those people tt I mught have turned off. EQ, EQ, EQ.
3) self regulation.speaks for itself.keep thinking, keep improving, keep doing.
4) i think i might be moving too fast.and sometimes what u thought u knew aint seem so familiar anymore. i dont wanna lose friendships and yes the bond might be fractured and maybe the ideal picture i had of us all growing old together and sharing bonding stories aint so clear anymore but i think people change and have to set their priorities right based on what they feel is impt..but can ppl still be close when their values and priorities change so much? i mean ultimately its all abt the communication right?
5) i wanted to do the window on mars' blog but my version but knowing me i'll take so much time analysing everythin and i'd end up getting even more confused than giving me a clearer pict of who i am. MUAHA.
6) i dont know how u can feel comfortable with someone tt u barely know, even more so than frens uve known much longer, but i guess tt happens. but i dun wanna think too mugh abt it now.
7) I HAVE SO MUCH SCHOWRK TO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

ok tt last pt wasnt really a reflection, anyhows i'll be mugging in sci lib 24/7 next few days so care to drop by and join me if u wish. ta!!

Spread the love.

Beautiful day. I love the people around me. =)

Everyone has their own strengths, you just have to learn and appreciate them for who they are.

LOve love loVe. =)

Wake up call

She turned to me and asked,"Are you gonna S/U this module?" Which translates to: ARe you going to take this module seriously, cause if you're not, i think we have some serious negotiation to do here.

I guess I shouldn't be so stunned by her blatant question. It's been like that since the beginning of time. Only people move at a faster speed nowadays.

Your importance is measured by what you can give to people, whether it's intentional or not, your actions, deeds and involvement with them has to be a positive impact on them. Friendships have suffered in the past cause of neglect and too much negative criticism...

So yea.

And to you please, no games. I know where I stand. For now. :)

Nursery rhyme

It doesn't matter what they think
It doesn't matter what they say
As long as I'm happy with my life
I'm not going throught with it all the way.

Random things tt matter

I have a million and one things to do right now, and people pulling me in all directions. Yesterday morning woke and stared at the ceiling for fifteen whole minutes redrawing out my four concentric circles of priorities.

But it still didnt end out on the right note..hmm..prolly coz i didnt get much done after I left for school...;( I have to be consistent this sem and not imagine for some miracle wonderous extra brain implanted just before term tests and exams..

help.

should we help those that blatantly need help, or those that dont think they do need help but somehow we can advance their lives so that there will be more people like them to help others who'd need help?

i find it awkward to ignore someone tt I know from previous encounters, but if that particular someone has been ignoring me for the past one and a half years everytime we meet, what make's me think this time would be any different? there's only sucha level tt anyone can take, and furthermore, i just kinda realised tt for frens to happen, the effort has to be mutual. so mutual it is.


execution was good, planning i have no idea yet, and personally i think things could have been done better on my part. but its always the case isnt it. saw many cases of damsels in distress. and got really irritated by a few huge male egos.

i hate (gender) stereotypes, since i've been breaking them from the day I was born.

Here I go again. berbelit-ing.

Everything takes time. Children grow and learn, societies evolve (for better or worse), seasons change...ok la ok la i've lost my point.

All I'm saying is this hasnt been occuring just coz it's happened at this moment in time. It's a process, a system that has been passed down for the last few years. Don't you think we're all aware of it? Don't you see how hard it is for the system, for a whole organisation to change it's way of working just like that? I hate to put the blame on anyone, and as those most in control of the situation, the power to change is rightfully and moralistically ours to acknowledge.

Yet things have to been seen in the context of the situation and personalities that brought about the 'crisis' so called.

Personally, I've always taken the backseat to a strong way of working. I've always let others taken charge when things are going right, and only move forward if i see no one else is doing the job or when ive been told to do sthg. like in rgs, in tpjc drama, interact...I guess I've only woken up when I left jc.

Now things are different and I'm still learning. From the way I see it, we can either run forward or sink. as the ones before us did.

but while we're at it, trust us that we'd put in our heart and soul.

pain

Sometimes it doesn't help to be a helpless romantic and be such an analytical thinker both. You can go to such extremes and play all the wrong things at the worst of times. And make yourself go bonkers feeling hurt and pain when to someone else it's all just another moment in life to look behind on, having moved on, tt was sthg SO way passe.

Aiyah. Get a life lah Aisyah.

Moving on! okay yesterday was a good nite staying over at Mars' place in johore. had a nice relaxed time with frens n ppl i just met. thanks mars for inviting me over, and the rest as well for the funny ideas to entertain ourselves and the kids. haha. too bad some of us fell asleep so soon, the air con in the room was so shiok...but things went as they shud, and everyone had fun..

saw beautiful fireworks! actually i've never been a fan of fireworks. like i was on the packed bridge on national day two years back and it was SO damn crowded and all i wanted was to get to city hall mrt from the merlion, but i couldnt move coz everyone was rooted on the spot staring at the sky.

But yesterday was different. It was like seeing those artistic bursts of light from new eyes, something both symbolic of power, richness of tradition and festivity in a nation where you are the minority.

Happy Chinese New Year people, both Malaysians and Singaporeans alike =)

working on personal stuff which i neglected sometime back...still a long way to go to get them right back on track. but I'm not giving up...

and right now gotta get back to the concept ppr for our latest project in june. tataz=)

Crushed.

Yadabladaboo=(

I hate thinking abt these things cause they have no answers and u'll just go ard beating abt the bush until u're direct with one another and there's no chance of THAT ever occuring coz well. There's a communication problem i presume.

I thought I was strong enough to not get involved in these sticky issues this sem but apparently not enough. URhhhhh only you can get urself out of the crunch and let the pain be ur elixair...I wanna shoot down all the butterflies in my stomach just to feel acid running down the sides..

In this mood I just hate those perfect people in perfect relationships running along living their perfect lives. *no offense whatsoever to those perfect people running their perfect lives*

Focus. Focus. Either than or learn to multi task.

Oh shucks I totally don't know what to do...feeling a million butterflies in my tummy right now, never saw this coming..

nice quote!

creation
I am a choreographer. A choreographer is a poet. I do not create. God creates. I assemble, and I will steal from everywhere to do it.

-George Balanchine

We have so many tools to work with when we create, and one of them is our intelligence. We get an idea, and that is the spark that sends our creativity into play. We figure out how to get something done, how we can make something better, more efficient, more productive, or more beautiful.

-Lissa Coffey

I finally did what I've been wanting to do for so long!!! ANd it turned out alright!!! *wheee*

Been meeting up with old acquaintances and friends. Thanks gurls for making it all worthwhile..things will get better and be like as before.:) To everyone I met over the past weekend; it was FUN meeting up with u again!! hehe..my rg frens, tpjc frens and some nus peeps...

and the worse promise to break is a promise to yourself...:( *boo*

Dialecticism

Finally realise why I've been having writer's block in the past few days. (Not that I'm much of a writer.) Whenever I wanna blog it just get scared that it'll not come out the way I want it to.And finally I kinda understand why: it's coz I've not understood my purpose of writing. Of late I've just been ranting out my feelings and, through all that's have happened (all the confrontations and truth and such) maybe everything isn't so aligned together anymore.

Previously it was just a whole mess, coupled with hazy boundaries. Now it's all placed in between one another, like kuih lapis. I'm not in the right, and maybe I don't need to be...Every situation is different, every moment embraces you in a different way. Every person has their own perspectives and will never truly understand you the way you want them to no matter how hard you make believe you can make them understand. We're all just born different. There's no start to my search, and probably no end. Maybe it seems I'm not moving forward, or more than that moving backwards a million steps. But trust me when I say that I try. Maybe thus far I'm more of a talker analyser say it all but not doing anything kinda gurl. And it takes a true friend to wake me out of this walking unconsciousness.

Right now, I don't wanna say too much out loud for fear of making any more promises that I'd most likely break. But that's okay...I don't think I'm being selfish that way...What I think may not necessarily be who I am anyway...I don't subscribe to such thinking...

I really don't know what to say. To a large extent I've been brought up to live up to other people's expectations. I know it's irresponsible to see things that way, it's as though I have no control over your life.

But alright, I've come to two conclusions so far:
1) Insecurity is the root of all my problems: Friendships, ambitions, my personality, my existence, my relations with God and everything else in this world.

2) I'd stop thinking about unnecessary littlethings in life that used to bugg me SO much and focus on the more important things that really matter-which actually amount to only 4 concentric circles. =)

Thank you.

Thank you =)

Creating creativeness...

Was having a heated debate online with dayana on the similarities of some girls from a particular school.

My arguement was:

What all these girls have in common is that they are too technical. They focus too much on getting things right that they ignore what are the possibilities that they come across, other perspectives to do things, that eliminates creativity and breeds a culture where there are rigid rules for working and people are afraid to cross those rules because no one is open to it.

For example; a friend wants to study together, but the friend she wants to study with is a major slacker in that module. Instead of motivating that friend along and helping her wherever she can, she totally avoids the friend because she feels that varying from her learning style is not going to be so good for her in the end.

Her arguement was:

Girls from that school have been guided to be efficient and effective and as such avoids pitfalls where the risk is very high and venturing into it is a no-no.

Ok, fine. Nobody would want to walk straight into the lion's den. But my ideal is, what has never been done in the past may not necessarily mean it can't be done in the future. I mean who defines what makes sthg work? It's societal acceptability right? And who defines societal acceptability? US!!

Point being, the past should only act as a guide for the future, not a drawing board where the parameters have already been set.

Maybe that has been what's guiding me in recent years. That's why I'm always jumping from one thing to the next. I'm not really a plodder. More of an experimenter. But I know ppl get exasperated with me coz I never get the previous work done efficiently.
(which I do sit myself down and try to get it done sometimes!)

I'll never fully know my limits and will keep exploring them until I get tired. And I get jaded if I can't jump into sthg new from time to time. It's my adrenalin, my power, my goal...

randomness

i pledge not to be an outright bitch this semester.
ok, not that ive been one, but i can impatient at times to ppl who are really too patient towards me. You know who you are.
I must must must must not take ppl close to me for granted anymore.

Anyway, I dont really do yearly updates anymore. Since my birthday coincides with the first week of every semester 1, I tend to start anew at that period of time, so yup my resolutions are still in the running.

Anyhows, this (academic year) I'm proud to know tt the little voice inside my head has grown louder. that little voice aint so overwhelmed and moven out and exasperated by the cacaphony of voices in my head anymore.

so yeay. and i've come to realise with everything that's given to you,
God has actually tailor made your challenges, especially for you.
There's no other way to see it.
Interwoven your parchment of threads into the web of life.
Everyone, together.
But your thickness of thread (passion), your colour of thread (intention)and material (actions) are mostly determined by you.
Not that He doesn't know all that.
But ultimately, You have a choice.

I pledge to be less influenced by hedonism this year.
Hedonism. word of january 2006. hehe.

How can we find ways to make stuff interesting and fun but learn at the same time?
and my little bro shall be my experimental "rat". wee hehe..

everytime i come back from the holdays i get so swiped up by romantic ideas (its the scenery i tell you, it's so out of this world that u tend to think of alternatives) that i kinda leave the world tt im living in until i get run over by reality i lose hope so fast the nostalgia evaporates quickly.

so this time, i tried to get back to reality while hope was still there.
and i realise: that i still need time to think it over.
but hedonistic attitudes must not persist.

whee.

told u tt little voice was creeping out on me.


creepy.

Ok oh...

Ok, Dilah just tagged me with this:

Rules of the game:
1. Post 5 weird/random stuff abt yourself
2. At the end, list the names of 5 ppl who you want next to this and leave a comment "YOU ARE TAGGED" in their blogs and tell them to read your blog for rules!So here's 5 really, really weird/random stuffs:

1. The truth is, I'm really sucky at this kind of personal info divulging stuff. I mean, I can give you my opinion on lots of things, but when it comes to personal stuff like this I go...ERRRrrrrr...so yea, point is I guess I spend too much time worrying about the big stuff and real impersonal stuff to worry about myself. But I spend a lot of time with myself too. Ok, I'm confused. Maybe I just know myself too well but I don't see the point of divulging stuff to people. Ok, Aisyah, shuttup.

2. My favourite movie of all time is "Land before Time." I first watched it when I was like four. You know the dinosaur kids that got lost from their parents and had to travel as a group to the newfound place where all their family members have moved to? With all the cute little dinosaurs. I don't recall their names and why they got separated in the first place, but I know I can cry even if I watch it now. It just professes the ideal story with trust, courage, finding yourself, friendship and family all tied together. And the characters are really cute. siiiigh.

3. Thanks to my mom, who works at SIA 23.59/7, my family goes on trips every year. So far the list includes LA, California, Florida & New York, Switzerland, Germany, Holland, New Zealand, Hong Kong, San Francisco, Perth and Brisbane. So I guess you could strike up a convo with me regarding the places you've been to. Just don't sound too hard to impress.

4. Ok, that last post sounded so bitchy. I don't know why but some people write me off as a snob from first impressions. That or unjokable, sour or sad. Or maybe then, I do know why after all huh. It's the rich brat attitude I've been indoctrinated with. (oh, excuses, Aisyah) ok really, sometimes it's just a defense mechanism to get people to stay away from me when I'm not in the mood. (I guess that IS kinda bitchy...)

5. I like to pull people's toes. But they must be clean. oh, and I like massaging feet. (Not just anyone's lah. Must be people tt I like.) Like they call out to me...(help...I'm in paaaain...This person that owns me is too heavy for me...)And I guess when I massage I can feel the pain oozing out. ok, is THAT wierd enuff? hehe.

ok, watch out you!!

mars-zati-boonhian-shaz-yiting

50-50

INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Emotional face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

The Past, The Present and The Future

I used to wonder...

Why rainforests were only found in third world contries when they provide such diversity that would inspire people to care about the environment...

How some animals can be domesticated when they're counterparts actually rule the animal kingdom...

Why some people have more power to change things than others do...

What makes people change...

What brings change...

What is change...

Any maybe I'm not so confused like I was anymore. :)

Thnks Rebutia...:)

Don't ask.

Your dating personality profile: Religious - Faith matters to you. It is the foundation that you build your life upon. You trust that God has a plan for you. Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active. Intellectual - You consider your mind amongst your assets. Learning is not a chore but a constant search after wisdom and knowledge. You value education and rationality.

Your date match profile: Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life. Athletic - You aren't looking for a couch potato. You seek someone who is active and who keeps his body in top shape. Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Religious 2. Athletic 3. Intellectual 4. Big-Hearted 5. Stylish 6. Wealthy/Ambitious 7. Traditional 8. Liberal 9. Sensual 10. Adventurous

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Religious 2. Athletic 3. Big-Hearted 4. Practical 5. Intellectual 6. Traditional 7. Stylish 8. Shy 9. Conservative 10. Sensual

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

Blood runs deep...

Everyone has problems.
So quit with all the whining, Aisyah. I mean there are a million and one people in Afghanistan who are homeless, tons of kids in Africa with no parents and dying of HIV and young women in Aceh being subjected to God knows what...

Yes, yes.

But those closest to me have always had conflicting ideas of the most basic.

Dearest DeLa,

Everyone just wants you to fit in the mould. The mould our parents have designed for us. The mould they perceive their kids should be.

I know it's difficult. Especially with siblings like yours. All-accomplishing. It's rather terrorising, isn't it? To be the bottomline for comparison. To feel a sense of empathy, you turn to people worse off than you.

People who have real problems.

People who's parents have enough problems coping themselves let alone listen to their kids. People who are neglected and uncared for. The empathise better, don't they, these people with REAL problems.

But are all your problems the same?


What is it exactly that makes you think they's understand you better than your own family?

I just blame myself for not being able to explain to you the mould that's been created for us.

Truthfully, you make me question all the presumptions.

I just hope it's not too late before I find the answers and explain them to you.

Please take care of yourself.

Love,
Your anti-thesis at the moment.

Couldn't resist putting this on...

I Hope you Dance

I hope you never lose your
sense of wonder
Get your fill to eat but
always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for
granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty
handed

I hope you still feel small
when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes
I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a
fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or
dance

I hope you
dance...
I hope you
dance...

I hope you'll never fear
those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of
least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
but they're worth taking
Loving might be a mistake
but its worth making

Don't let some hurting heart leave
you bitter
If you come close to settling out
reconsider
Give the heavens more
than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out
or dance

I hope you dance...(time it's a reel-in constellation)
I hope you dance...(Always going oh so long)
(Tell me do once, as you look back you'll see,you'll wonder where those years have gone...)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance...
I hope you dance...


Heard this song last sem when I was staying in hostel and missing my family one morning. It's a very parental song:)

The Ronan Keating's version is nicer and more heart-felt coz tt's dedicated to his daughter:)

The way things are

I haven't been mugging for the last few days.

OK, OK, stop screaming at me already.

Truthfully, I only have three papers (took 2 non-examinable modules), and one of which is open book.

And yes, I am as worried as you think I should be. Somewhat.


But actually kan, KAN, I just can't get myself to concentrate on my books.

And for once I know why. I need what I study to be applied to my real life. As in, immediately, directly, what I can see before me. Or at least a reason for me to study. Cause if you tell me it's just to get that freaking A, I won't buy it. My brain will just shut down under the pressure and I'll freeze. Ok, maybe I've been spoiling it all the while, but I kinda like the way I've been living my life thus far. Searching, searching for a reason, to learn, to live. I can't live with external pressure. It has to come from within. And coz of tt, I have to make sure tt everything I learn will be applied to real life. Or rather, vice versa. With a greater cause tt I have in mind, the stuff I learn will be put into place. *phew* I'm so glad I finally let the whole world know tt.

Oh, I'm serious abt the research in the prev post. Yani!! Zati!! Dee! Sya, Su, Marlini(if u guys stumble over my blog)Ilda! Maybe we could research more into the stuff tt's in the liquids in the dog and pig and come up with a scientific answer and then can send the report in to MUIS then they can let the whole Muslim community know abt it. hehe. Well, it's a small dream :) So how abt it guys?

Barbie and her little poodle

Morning everyone!!!

Went for a walk ard the neighbourhood this morning. It's always fun to get lost and discover new passages. One day if you bother to come down to tanah merah mrt at 7.30am i'll show you ard(wherever ard means). Anyways, my goal is always to get lost and turn up in front of the pretty pink houses in the centre of the kew estate.

Okay anyhows, while walking came across this middle aged balding guy with his poodle. I mean, the dog barely came up to my calf area, but i kinda slowed my pace and watched the owner carefully, as usual. The owner glared back slightly menancingly, and I evened the stare. For a moment I felt like Rosa Parks, by not giving up the pathway to this man and his dog. (ok lah, a bit extreme, but I mean, waddaheck, it's a free country, why dont you be a gentleman and give way to me??)But I conceeded in the end.

Okay, points being:
1) Why do Muslims have to feel so threatened by the presence of a dog? I mean, all we can't do is to touch their wet areas-ie, the mouth and the genitals. The essence of the dog being an animal that deserves equal treatment as other animals is even more important. Why can't we touch it's fur (provided it's dry of saliva), pet it nicely, even play with it provided tt we clean ourselves up if we ever come into contact with the saliva or gential areas(-which would be unlikely, i mean, eww why would u go touching tt part in the first place?)

The fact is, my fren, tt we've been imbibed with a sense of fear for the animal itself since young. "Jgn dekat anjing, nanti najis"-wasn't tt what ur parents used to say? ok, they had their well-sounded concerns, but at the same time as we grew we tended to treat the dog as an animal tts subservient to reasonable treatment. I mean, imagine a grp of malay girls shrieking and making a big fuss when a tiny chihuahua walks past under the HDB block. What kind of impression does it give the owner, the people around them? That Muslims don't treat dogs very well and respect them as animals.

I think it's really to such an extent tt we need to educate these young kids at madrasahs, the issue of what's our stand towards dogs. As in, how to treat them and how to deal with them, what to do if a dog comes running up to you. (You don't shriek and run away with the dog catchin up fast behind.)I realised while trying to avoid another dog tt was coming near to me tt i didn't know how to approach it nicely. With barking dogs (tt are under restraint) its easy, just go "shhhhhhhht" like a teacher in a classroom, and if tt doesnt work, just go "oh, shuttup lurh". Trust me, they'll understand.
So what I'm suggesting is, an ethics towards dogs class. Esp coz dogs happen to be a favourite pet of other races in Singapore. I mean, this ignorance tt leads to extreme avoidance of the animal can't really be tolerated in a multi-racial society like ours right, esp since it really is an animal tt desrves equal respect as other animals.

2) What exactly is it tt Muslims can't touch (ok, the wet parts, saliva and the genitals) but why? What bacteria persists within these liquids tt are so harmful to us? Capnocytophagia canimorsus- is one bacteria found in the saliva of dogs tt can cause serious health problems (with 25% leading to death) esp if you've lost your spleen(cause ure immunocompromised and weak). Many other types of bacteria are also found in dog(as well as cat) bites.

-Predominantly a-hemolytic strep, staph sp. (which is also found in heart of pigs)
-Aerobic- Corynebact., Pasteurella mult.
-Anaerobic- Bacteroides, peptococcus, Fusobacterium
-Capnocytophagia canimorsus- GNR, splenectomy pts.
(just some names of bacteria ripped off the net, will research if i have the time)

ok, thing is pathogenic and harmful bacteria can be found everywhere and in all organisms. But for some distict reason, the bacteria and other microorganisms found in dogs and pigs as animals are strongly brought up in the Quran to prevent Muslims from being in contact with them. Above are a few, and more research still has yet to be done.

Oh and abt the man, he walked back ard and we exchanged "GOOD MORNINGS!!" hehe. Albeit a bit ultrahyper for so early in the morning. but anyway, all's well.

i love my blog

Usually when i write, it comes out all salient and peaceful. But i guess it comes after hours of pondering. so yeah, the thought process has been carefully extracted out of this posts tt i have here. Anyway, my new mission for blogging would be to tell stories tt i usually cant just tell about anyone. Ironic as it may seem, it would be a little impersonal, distant from my reality as i might see it from my own eyes, but in truth, it couldnt be even more closer to heart. :)

And yes, unlike many other blogs i havent posted a single thing on raya.

Well, raya this year was great! it was better than last year in many aspects. The spiritual aspect as well as the spirit on the day itself. And thanks to my first younger sister, who brought home a kenangan manis tt would last for many rayas to come, and made it extra unique on the day itself. Plus well, everything went as planned. And yes, I had a new tudung style which made it more special. hehe. so yea, inside out covered somewhat. :)

but have to respect my dad's request for privacy and not divulge all our family photos on my blog. somehow he's very opposed to that, no not coz of religion n he believes gurls shudden be on display, nothing like tt. But coz he's just a private person, plus he's scared of people rippin off our faces and pasting them on nude bodies. for some really distant reason. but well, as strange as tt might sound, gotta respect it. anyhows i dont really want people scrutinising every bit of my face online.

ok, gtg back to watching LOSt with ma peeps.

and oh, I wont discuss anything to do with stuff tt im doing my real life concerning people tt im not close to..hehe. so don't think u can rip anything off abt urself here!

You Lost Cause of a nice Memory

Sheila On 7


Dan

Dan...
Bila esok datang kembali
Seperti sedia kala dimana kau bisa bercanda
Dan...
Perlahan kaupun, lupakan aku
Mimpi burukmu
Dimana t'lah kutancapkan duri tajam
Kaupun menangis, menangis sedih
Maafkan aku...

Dan...
Bukan maksudku, bukan inginku
Melukaimu sadarkah kau di sini 'kupun terluka
Melupakanmu, menepikanmu
Maafkan aku

Lupakanlah/caci maki saja diriku
Bila itu bisa membuatmu kembali bersinar
Dan berpijar seperti dulu kala


I guess it wont hurt to know the truth. Or maybe it really will, come to think of it.
But whether that's possible is another issue altogether.

Someone once mentioned to me that friends are people who teach you things. And you'll remember them for life cause you carry those precious lessons that they taught so well in the past. And that's why you'll always be remembered as a good friend. For teaching me so much in the short time that I knew you. For letting me know that there are people out there who are good, kind, wholesome and brave to stand out among the anonymous faces that blend into the crowd. Someone who dares to be different cause he feels that it's the right thing to do. Someone who bothers to listen to others. Someone who taught me the true value of sharing. It's not about the latest fad or the coolest gossip, but just what you feel is right, just sharing yourself. I never really thanked you for all that. Maybe the sudden aloofness was too striking a contrast that it just turned me away.

But for all that it's worth, thank you. :)

I should stop letting these stupid quizzes take up 90% of my airtime on my blog
Anyways lots have happened
I lobve my family!
But that's nothing new. But somehow this Ramadhan, I dunnow, i think it's the iftar togetherness that kinda binds us together. Less bickering with my bro, more laughs around, more sharing, more understanding. I love them to bits.

And i miss my friends!

And i guess no matter what people may think of you, you just have to be set on the end goal, be true to yourself and hope everything will be allright...InsyaAllah...I may not be the ideal of what you expect me to be, but there's no point pleasing everyone, when I compromise on what I want out of my life in the end.

Oh, and have I told you abt my latest crush? hehehe. He's 25, has big brown eyes and hair that curls at the collar! He's intense, easy to talk to, romantic and sweet.
*sigh* And he sent me home the other nite..

*what?!*

haha okies updates when i next see you! =)

You Are Likely a First Born

At your darkest moments, you feel guilty. At work and school, you do best when you're researching. When you love someone, you tend to agree with them often. In friendship, you are considerate and compromising. Your ideal careers are: business, research, counseling, promotion, and speaking. You will leave your mark on the world with discoveries, new information, and teaching people to dream.

The Birth Order Predictor

-------*---------*---------

I'm going nuts
I don't know where to start
Gut-feel can never turn out right
But however much as it is against my instinct
Something tells me it'll all be alright
How now brown cow?

Too much nostalgia turning yet untrue.

I can see cracks
Look closer, the cracks are threatening break apart
And whole wall will just come crashing down
From a mere tremble,
Leading to an overflow
Of emotions
Dammit

Nothing seems so real anymore
My life was a mere construct of my imagination
It still is
Don't you dare tell me what to think

Love is so glamourised
Nobody sees the point of it anymore
Nobody sees the point of anything anymore

jadedism is the new pink
and everyone ends up blue

This test result makes me feel like a saint all ready to spread my holy wings n fly :))

Idealist Portrait of the Healer (INFP)

Healers | Counselors | Champions | Teachers

Healers present a calm and serene face to the world, and can seem shy, even distant around others. (so THAT explains my random take-5mins-dun u DARE-disturb me right now-stoning moments!) But inside they're anything but serene, having a capacity for personal caring rarely found in the other types. Healers care deeply about the inner life of a few special persons, or about a favorite cause in the world at large. (Heal all ye whom have misfallen...) And their great passion is to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals, or that divide groups, and thus to bring wholeness, or health, to themselves, their loved ones, and their community.

Healers have a profound sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. They conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods.(*ahem*ahem*)In fact, to understand Healers, we must understand that their deep commitment to the positive and the good is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. Set off from the rest of humanity by their privacy and scarcity (around one percent of the population), Healers can feel even more isolated in the purity of their idealism. (Now THAT explains my loner tendencies!)

Also, Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. With parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. In truth, they are quite OK just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks. (Nah, not my parents lah. More like society.)

At work, Healers are adaptable, welcome new ideas and new information, are patient with complicated situations, but impatient with routine details. (and standard procedures, and hierarchy) Healers are keenly aware of people and their feelings, and relate well with most others. (Most being the keyword here.) Because of their deep-seated reserve, however, they can work quite happily alone. (loneristic tendencies again!) When making decisions, Healers follow their heart not their head, which means they can make errors of fact, but seldom of feeling. (yupyup! I can always explain my emotions but NOT WHY I'm like chatting to some cute guy til 4am when i have sch at 8am the next day! :)) They have a natural interest in scholarly activities (explains all my bogus modules) and demonstrate, like the other Idealists, a remarkable facility with language. (YAY! that's why u keep coming back to my blog to read right?) They have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. Frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort.

Ahhh wow so self-explanatory, feels so good to be understood. Felt like I just had a convo with Adila Mohc. HAHA. BUt yes, I do realise that this mayy just seem overly one-dimensional and I may be overly deluding myself as to whom my true self really could be. haha.

HAPPY FASTING EVERYONE! And hopefully this Ramadhan will make us better Muslims in time to come, InsyaAllah...Remember to cleanse ourselves from all bad traits and deeds and to become wiser, stronger and healthier people in the long run...

And don't forget to scrub in between your toes too! very impt!

okies TATA!

It's tiring when people have expectations of you when you don't realise it.
I admit. I'm one hell of a LOUSY friend. I have been and I may always will be.
Maybe that explains why my long term friendships always tend to taper off. I tend to set my energies in other directions when I don't see the friend in fron tof me anymore. I'm more objective than emotionally-attached to any one person. It's all about experiences with different people, not the person per se. It's one of my weakness, this long-term friendship thingy. The least you can do is to set a good example for me to follow. Forgive what I did to you, and move on. That's all I want for now.

I don't think you should pigeonhole me anymore
I'm not the girl I used to be
Neither am I the girl you want me to be
I'm undefined by all things conscious and real
Wouldn't it be apparent for you to see
That ultimately I'm just being my own kind of me.


*------------------------*

I hate the feeling of falling.

What breed of horse are you? Find out!

I know I know, this is totally unoriginal..haha...HAPPY HOUSE! SOOoo preteen-ish, but heck, can't I just be normal and kiddish for ONCE, try so hard to be myself and fit in then be myself and fit in then be myself and fit in...

I'm tired of all that crap. Ultimately, you'll just have to learn to answer to yourself. I'm sick of people trying to judge and assume different things about what I do.

Anyways, i think SAM was a success for the first night. Alhamdulillah. Yet another night to follow through with it all :)

MODERATION IN ISLAM talk this thursday (6-9pm YIH function room)with professor Hussein from political science department-it's gonna be superb i tell you,he's given many many talks like this before and this would be the first in NUS for NUS students he's also the director for Islamic strategic studies in SEA...So if you're interested to know an expert's take on Islam within the region, please sign up with us il_paranoide@yahoo.com...

I think it's time for me to turn theory into practical.

And i think the playlist thingy is wayyy cool. haha. suits my different modes and terrible moodswings, especially now.

I was debating about whether I should put this up coz it seems kinda mean when you think of it but well maybe you peeps have a different take on it so this is what happened today that started off a semi-bad day and then later in the time to come...

*JUst had a bad day* :)

So I was walking happily down clementi walkway to the mrt station when this guy asking for donations laughed while looking in my direction-ok i felt a bit funny coz i was wearing a bright pink flowery dress that stood out from the mundane colours that people wear on a bright n cheery sunday afternoon(the horror, ishishish)-so okay lah nak laugh nvm tak kisah you can think whatever you want I'm wearing this to cheer myself up coz i felt sick in the morning and wanted to feel better about myself.

So as I passed him and his donation i heard the request-'Kak, nak donate?' in a slightly over-friendly tone and a slightly over-bearing facial expression. Quite frightening actually. So i just react to what I would do in trying to wriggle out of that uncomfortable situation (and slight self-defense) -half smile while not looking directly at the person.

Then I heard: "Sombong seh."

And THAT, my dear people who are still with me, is what got me really pissed.

LIke Excuse me, Mister.

Firstly, yOu are out here, doing a service for so and so charitable organisation with the intention to improve the welfare of the people in the long run. Your intention would be to approach people with the sincerity of asking them to help out. Any other intentions would be secondary, if favourable at all.

Secondly you're willingly helping out and you don't EXPECT people to donate, that's a right of theirs whether they would want to donate or not.

And thirdly, what's with guys calling girls in tudung kak when asking for donations? I know its supposed to be a respectable thing but i find it plain irritating, especially when they're obviously so much older than me. Just a simple salam would do. Just cause everyone else does it doesn't make it favourable. Be original sikit lah, and do what is right, not cause everyone else deems it to be alright.

Ah and that was my first huff for the day.


And btw I think working with Kak Aishah totally rocks.


so...Alhamdulillah. :)

Alhamdulillah

Happy happy :) Alhamdulillah...

For the first time after stepping in NUS, the feeling that I've dreamt I should feel when coming in for classes was felt. [Oh goodness, what distorted english.] But I really couldn't help smiling to myself during arabic classes. The atmosphere of people united learning together towards a particular cause, so close to what we really ought to focus on, in a place of God, felt really blissful...and I really thank God for the experience of letting us hold it for the rest of the students in NUS...ok so that went well.

Other school stuff gets me pretty busy but I guess it's alright...

Schoolwork...getting down to the grind...but still so much to do....

And went out with my dearest gurlfrens on friday! Sha, Farah, Marsie!! Miss people I could really have a warm heart to heart sessio to and talk crap at the same time. hehe. Farah's classic reactions to stories. Sha's hilarious stories. And Mars' warm aura. hehe. I really had a good time...thanks you babes! *hugs*

Had an intellectual discussion with Adila mohc on sunday coz we missed ugama class and walked all ard kallang instead. hehe. Same old that gurl. Really had a good brain wrecking session, felt so understood then. hehe.

Conclusions:

1. It's best if you know what to give to people who are willing to receive and know how to accept what people give you. The remaining spaces are for you to fill in.

2. Life's like this:
Learn and explore A dynamically.
Explain A to others.
Work towards a better A when challenged.
-Where A can be religion, culture, your take on friendships, anything.

This has been on my mind for a long time

Mereka berkata bangsa kami kolot, tidak halus bersaing mengikut arus persaingan yang menyalut penduduk negara kita. Ugama tidak lain tidak bukan menjadi mangsa jua. Kesedihan yang amat terserlah adalah yang mendapati kritikan dan komen ini semua tiada penyedaran mengenai apa yang diperkatakan oleh mereka dan tiada kuasa sungguh untuk menukar apa yang dialami mereka. Sedih sungguh, bukan? Inilah umat kami, saudara, darah danging dan rakan sejinak kami. Siapakah yang akan menyelamatkan kami semua? Siapakah pendekar yang kami telah menunggu dan akan menyerah bakti selama ini? Oh, bukan kami, tidak, kami tidak berkuasa apa-apa pun, kami hanya hidup untuk diri kami sendiri. Bukan itu suatu kepentingan dalam hidup seseorang itu? Quality of life? The right to express oneself, to do as you please to? Apa yang orang lain lakukan, itu masalah mereka, bukan? Siapa kata kami berhak untuk menukar nasib, arus kehidupan mereka? So what if they end up in rehab centres,
suffer from broken marriages and God knows what else? The proportion of people who have problems way overcome those that have the time and means to solve them. And it totally doesn't concerm me, right?

Well, I guess not. Until it really hits home.

-Muddled-

It's amazing that even when work is piling up I still have time to blog. Eurgh.

Everyone's studying like mad. Drives me nuts sometimes, cooped up in this mental nutcased shell called school. Everyone's chasing after the same things, don't you stop and wonder where all this is leading to? What are you workin so hard for?

And everyone would tell me to shut up and get back to work, the work that I've been slacking off. Seriously, I know I haven't been doing as well as I should. Boo-hoo to me.

Anyways, it's hit me before, but it hit me harder today: I wanna do reasearch. Not scientific research just for the sake of doing it but I guess more into research into religion and trying to link it back to science. Yea.

So I have an ambition see. It's just about moving on from philospphising about it and getting it straight into the realm of reality.

Eurgh. Butt-off-to-work-now....

Let's not criticise and comment shall we? it's so easy to criticise and pick on other's bad traits so much so that it becomes an obsession, a point on which our whole life revolves around. Which makes it a crap of a life to live.

So i'ld like to generalise instead. It's rather sad if friends are treated as mere pawns in one's life, to let them play thier respective roles as one deems fit to in one's life, and discarded upon their non-importance relative to one.

I hope no matter where one goes, people are treated in their every right to be and act as their individual selves, and appreciated deeply for who they really are.

I guess this whole drama has taught me that, at least. Be true to who you are and what you do and how you treat others too. Coz ultimately, it'll all come back to you.

ANYWAY. Had a good week past. many many things learnt, all not rosy and sweet anymore. I guess when I picked up the role I was a little starry-eyed. And now it's harder than I thought. But i guess we just have to keep learning from what we've yet to learn right?

And i do like spending time on my own up to a certain point. Give me time to reflect upon my own perspectives without others' thoughts clouding my judgement. But i miss people too much :) been ctaching up thou.

The more you know...

Take the quiz at dicepool.com

Anyways, seem to lack words to describe what I'm going through.
But I'm relatively happy :) so yeay :)

Nice.

-----~~~~~-----
“It’s About Life....”
-----~~~~~-----

Life is about experiences, which makes us to grow;
According to time and situations, it flows.

Sometimes everything seems clear and perfect,
Sometimes, it’s all haze;
Maybe, life is a maze,
Every time, it leaves us amazed.

Not everyone in life, gets everything.
Sometimes, You lose even by gaining, and gain, even by losing.
Why cry for losing something, which we never owned.
Life doesn't stop by accidents;
Else, the world would have ended.

Anyone can sympathize with ours hurts,
But, its only we bleed when it hurts.
Why should our life depend on someone, for happiness?
It’s we, who create our own happiness...

Even in whole life, for someone, you change our ways;
At the end of day, with you, only your shadow stays.
The world may seem beautiful, and people influence by charm;
But, in times of need, it’s our own hand, at the end of our arm.

Love and relations, are like sand,
Which we try to hold in our hand;
The more we want them to stay, the more they slip away.

Let no one and nothing control you,
Come what may; Let you, only your faith in God’s way.

Things that are just part of life,
Must be kept that way.
If we make them life, by mistake;
Heart is bound to break.

Today may seem faint and dull,
Compared to beautiful past;
But, tomorrow will bring beautiful moments to last.

Why look for a shoulder to cry on,
And support from someone;
One moment people are around, next moment gone;
Fact is, He’s the strongest man in life, who stands on his own...all alone.

Whenever in life, things seem to slip out of your hands;
Give it in God’s hands,
Since, everything is safe in his hands.

After every sunset of hurts and despair,
There's a new sunrise of hopes and prayer.

It takes both rain and sunshine to make rainbows,
And like a spring, life always flows;
Even after a bright day ends,
Still in the dark night sky, stars and moon glows....




Wasalaam
Akramulla Syed

The good ol' days

Why is it that when you were in jc, you reminiscence about sec sch, and when you're in uni, you reminiscence about jc?

I guess as the years get progressively tougher, you appreciate more of the innocence and idealism back then.

I miss jc... haha even though i really hated it at first, now I really appreciate it for giving me an alternative perspective of life that rg gave me...

The times crapping during P.E. on the field, through tough times with Barnabas, haha, never could understand how we always got her on her moodiest days, but we did, and we SURVIVED the mental torture together, laughing & rolling ourselves silly playing netball or throwing the javelin at various horrible angles, softball that made us go all philosophical on the ball and strikes...Handsome colonel Lee with his great volleyball techniques, which made us be able to play decently and inspire greatly we decided to have our own volleyball team, which got crushed horribly by other teams, haha...and sneaking around school past the gates wayyy after breaktime, the art of it mastered by clara, our very own pretty councillor, got proposals even into second week of term haha...Shrieking with laughter at the idea of 6 guys changing together in the handicap toilet , in class at small things, at morning assembly, after school...

I guess tpj showed me that there are people out there who have different priorities, and they can still be very happy. I know it sounds obvious, but well... seeing so many people who can slack so badly at all exams and yet be so happy in general really makes you wonder if they've got something going for them that you don't realise.

Yet I appreciated more the times in rg when i eally felt that knowledge was pursued for a reason, for a greater purpose, rather than simply just for passing exams. Get what I mean? Alternative perspectives.

I guess being in extreme environments (somewhat..haha) have always made me the odd one out, the one from the outside looking in. So...that's part of who I am I guess...*shurgs*

Anak melayu

There are some songs that you've learnt in your life through productions, performances, that stay with you, and be your inspiration or point of reflection in time to come. It never was meant to be understood in its pure context at the moment you learnt it, but as time goes by and you grow that much bit wiser, the words just hit you, and the true meaning of it turns apparent.

i can't remember the full lyrics, but here goes:

Anak MelayuAnak Melayu main lari-lari,
Kejar mengejar tak tahu mana nak pergi.

Kalaulah terus ber(main)
Belakang hari susah sendiri
Nanti kita yang pucat lesi
Tanpa pemimpin pewarna diri.

Anak Melayu main lari-lari,
Kejar mengejar tak tahu mana nak pergi.

another is...

Ahai tak terniat untuk menghina Yahudi
Yang berakar umbikan pintaran duniawi
Insan meragut nyawa (Insan meragut nyawa)
Alpakan diri
Kerana peristiwa
Permainan keji

Tak mampu mengorak kepasraan
Penderitaan, dan kemunduraan(kemunduraan)...


Been crying on the spur of the moment in public nowadays, for no apparent tangible reasons. It gets pretty embarassing on the train on your way to school, haha.

Heard a simple question today:
If you had one wish, what would you wish for?
Maybe that should be my guiding principle from now on.
But then again, it's never that easy when it involves other people.

Things learnt:
I like being in control and...erm, ah maybe later.

ME

Your primary type is Seeker
Like other people with Seeker characteristics, you have a thirst for highly stimulating experiences. You gravitate towards unpredictable situations and then thrive once you find them. You would rather improvise than live by a strict calendar that adds structure to daily life. Also, you tend to find consistent routines absolutely strangling.

Intellectually, you're an explorer — which is why you tend to enjoy abstract thinking. In terms of entertainment, you veer toward media that is dark and edgy, flashy and loud, strange and intellectual. You tend to be interested in activities that get you out in the world including the performing arts and new age spirituality.



Your scores place you in the extremely apprehensive region of the relaxed/apprehensive scale. This means that relative to others who have taken the test, you are more sensitive to surrounding stimuli. It also means you are more likely to have an emotional response to chaotic scenes.

Like other people who score high on the apprehensive side of this scale, you are likely to be drawn to situations that are less stimulating to their senses. Because you seem to be easily affected by change, you probably try to stay away from environments that can over-stimulate you.



Your scores place you well into the risk-taking side of the safety-seeking/risk-taking scale. This means that relative to others who have taken the test, you play with the possibilities and thrive on heading towards an unknown outcome.

Like other people who score high on the risk-taking side, you combine a love of the new and unusual with a talent for inquisitive, abstract thinking. You have a tendency to seek out action and in all likelihood, find structure and predictability to be strangling experiences.




You At Your Best
When you're in the presence of others who care about you, you relax and really shine. Supportive, safe interactions with people who believe in you are an important step in your unfolding path towards more confidence. You'll thrive in atmospheres that are calm and quiet. When you feel soothed, you can tune into your real thoughts and reactions. By creating a peaceful environment for yourself, and by slowly building up your confidence, you will be able to enter the world more fully and share the amazing person you are.

Achieving Success
You are focused on success in your life; and you define it in a variety of ways. You love the boost you get from getting credit for your work, financial rewards, achieving your personal goals, finding luck in love, having great friends and, in sum, getting what you want. You can be held back, however, by a pesky self-doubt that occasionally questions your ability to really “make it” in the world. You've never been afraid to let the world know what you have to offer. Whether it's standing up to take credit in a work scenario or letting a new person you meet get a sense of your charms right away, you know how to put your best assets front and center. A challenge for you in the area of ambition is to partner with others as you pursue your dreams. Don't let that niggling self-doubt keep you from teaming up, combining resources and sharing the trip. You'll find the rewards of being on a team or part of a duo can be felt during the process and pay off in the final reward.

ME

Trying to find that balance.

I fel overbalanced. Nice to do something different for a change.

Get different perspectives.

Feel different towards other areas of my life.

Things ar egetting done, Alhamdulillah.

Questions..getting answered.

Hopefully all goes well.

Story of my life

Ahhh this past two weeks I've been busy with many many things, MS event (coming friday! It's an international students' dialogue session, on YOuth and Student Activism in an Islamic context, and we're trying to make it like in a global context to engage both locals and foreigners. Shold be fun, especially if you're looking for intellectual stimulation :) details will be sent out thru emails, so check it out soon!!!

Other than that, NUSSUVPC Exuberance nation wide competition, plus a mini bazaar, buT this is in february and march so still got time...

Plus S.A.M.!! I'm super-excited abt it, can't wait to see how far it's developed. Must be great,with stayovers and all. Crazy!

Oh, and my studies. OoOps. But the modules are really really engaging, so will have time to catch up today and everything.

I realise I tend to be a little commitment phobic sometimes, but once it passes through, I guess I feel a lot better.

Gonna make things work!

Love you all!

And HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY DEE!!!!! FINALLY A BIG GURL AT 20!!! SEMOGA ALLAH S.W.T. MENCUCURI RAHMAT KEATASMU SELALU. LOVE YOU GURL!! *HUGS*

Syeikh Ahmad Deedat just passed away...

He was one of the most celebrated scholars in Islam...wrote books and travelled the world, challenged many religious scholars of other faiths into debates on religion and questioning of their faith. The Islamic world just lost one man who held the torch in the right direction, our pillar of strengh to modernity and progress, the real icon and role model to follow by any religious scholarly standards anywhere.

He was one of those rare gems that went to the heart of the matter, and wanted to prove that what he stood for was the real truth. He wanted answers and wanted to spread them to everyone, to let everyone know of the truth.

How many of us (me included) actually question what Islam means to us, and how much we live according to its standards in our daily lives. Sure, you may have this conception that it's outdated or unmodernised or irrelevant to our society (like the issue of the hijab) but as Muslims, we have to try and find out why such regulations (Al-Quran and As-Sunnah-words of the prophet) have been passed down through the centuries, and what is our take on such regulations based on the present situation that we are currently living in.

YOu call yourself a Muslim, but what actually do you stand for?

Stressed.

School has barely begun and I'm all fused out. ergh.

Aiyah just blab it all out. Verbal diarrhea my foot. Blogging gives one entitlement to say out everything, anyway rite?

yes. ok. Yet sigh some things u just have to keep to yourself. Self-censorship is nothing new.

ARGHHH.

Suddenly, all that I have to write has *poofed*.

ok. so. let. me. try again.

Ifeellike therearesomanythings goingthroughmymind thatsometimesIdon't understand whetherthey are mythoughts or random offerings from my surroundings.

Ok. suddenly I'm not that good with describing words.

Is this what growing up is all about? The decaying process of tinkering with new things, expressing new opinions, indulging in new senses?

Yea. think thats it.

Idunwanagrowup.EVER.

A Sense of Wonderment

Sometimes i really wonder what's the point of writing my thoughts out, even though my real intention is to seek that others would understand what I'm saying coz I feel I say things better with words (and not like I have the time to meet everyone and tell them stories yunnow, people nowadays, busy busy) but the fact is blogs draw more wrath and criticism nowadays than anything else, but I guess there's always that naive optimistic side of me that expects people to read and understand others' blogs without any critical appraisal of it wadsoever. (I mean YOU do that, don't you? hehe.)

Things on my mind, but no time to blog them out. :( *pouts*. someday eh. you know how long winded I can get, haha. :)

The heart speaks...

Got this off a friend's blog...

"There is no better time than right now to be happy.


Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
So work like you don't need money.
Love like you've never been hurt, and,
Dance like no one's watching."



Sometimes I just don't understand. No matter how much I try to look through and differentiate between what I want and what I think others expect from me, I just can't seem to disentagle them apart.

Daughter. Sister. Friend. Contributor to society.

Ultimately, your role depends on how u fit into the lives of the people around you. You have to accomodate to them, and learn to give and take. And until I feel that my relationships are at an equilibrium, I don't think I'll be truly happy. I guess I'm just too much of a relationship-oriented person to believe that only I can decide what I want to do with my life.

Is how smart you are defined by your academic accomplishments or by how much you're able to teach to others? Maybe the higher you go the more you can understand things, people, the way the world works, but does that make you a better contributor than someone who just passed her 'A's? Do you make the people around you happy? Do you realise their potential too?

Disquietened...:(

(:* --(:*--(:*

I guess there's nothing ever like catching up with old friends, people who've known you since whenever. People who truly appreciate who you are and what you can do. People who appreciate you as you. I've always been the sort to thrive on connection with others, and thus at this moment, I'm happy :) hehehe

Boinky Boink

Past few days feelings moody...like sometimes I can just feel like evrything's going alright, and sometimes just feel like screaming at people. ah, the joys of PMS.

Anyways birthday was pretty erm. decent. just yet another simple day in my life. had to cancel out on gurlfrenns*actually it was just farah mars n sha, n elly was ad hoc* coz had meeting in the afternoon when most of them were free. oh wells, WE HAVE TO GO OUT sometime soon k...miss u peeps A MILLION times more nowadays :)

The there was this dialogue session (yes, so much intellectual stimulation on my birthday) where the usual issues were brought up, malays being given special priveleges to apply for education tution fees, madrasah education, erm, etc. (you'ld already know what if u're interested to know in the first place.) Anyways what the minister said abt us doing research on our society really struck a chord...I mean we'll continue to pledge ignorance and beat around the bush if nobody's gonna do the dirty work and think up of NEW ideas to move up and on man...

Then yesterday went out with Dee and Shaz after meeting in sch again...I just LOVE honest people...*heh* And dunnow how it started but after pouring out all my probs to them over dinner we didnt wanna leave so chilled near this bamboo patch and started talking abt the dialogue session than abt social work then abt our lives than abt akhirat then in the end we ended up so scared freaking ourselves out abt what's in store for us. hahaha. It was the best nite for the longest time ever:)

Thanks to you all man...
Sha, Farah, Dee, Shaz, Adila, Mars for the (potential or not treats)...

Thanks Yana & Hani for buying the cake and ms people for celebrating erm..eating up of the cake...

And all the rest tt wished me happy birthday :)

Turning 20 wasn't so hard after all with you guys around!