values all at the end of it

aks i think i fall in and out of love too easily. Hrm, big word. too big.

Anyway darlings, have to update! ok first up, yesterday's shopping trip..which was a good blast! i need a new concept for this year. last year was dresses..wore at least one per week all thanks to my lovely mom who bought me four dresses on mah birthday! and i got one fabulous one thanks to four deasome ppl who bought me one! yay! love it love it..so anyway, i still have not figured out a new concept yet. it's got to be feminine, and fresh. hrmpf.

next:

spot ten differences in this picture ;)
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thank you for participating. now you've moved on to the miserable camp who concedes that Aisyah and Tuty do NOT look alike.

hehe i really don't know what to expect next from my friendship with this babe. Only God knows how many times we've squabbled and stepped on each other's toes and made up everytime we have to work together, or simply discussing about what we'd want out of MS and its members. All the virtual screaming and passionate debates saved in email form...haha I'm gonna cry when I re-read those next sem.

You know how MUIS somehow reminds me of The Ministry of Magic. yes yes, the Harry Potter one. It's not about what they do of course, it's more of the culture, and the ambience of the place. Went down there on MOnday with Kak Aishah and Ridhwan to settle admin details for the internship programme with MUIS. Anyway, lets state the ways (shall I compare thee to a Summer's Day style..hehehe)...

1. The headquarters. You know how in Harry Potter, it's always stuck in between muggle buildings and there's like some secret pathway to get there? Well, the MUIS headquarters reminds me of something like that. It's not exactly secretive, but its beside an expressway, and it's kind easy to get lost on the way there.

2. The structure of the organisation. The Ministry of Magic had like Ministry of Muggle affairs which deals with external public affairs dealing with non-Muslims, and also MUIS has an asset managements cluster which reminds me of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures..I mean, the assets they're talking about are different...but still...

It's definitely similarities in minority organisations...only MOM has more control and say about what's actually legalised in the wizarding community, while MUIS mostly enforces guidelines, but doesn't have the power to enforce them on MUslims in SinGapore...

3. The spirit of the people, there's just a one united feeling..like they're bonded in some way. Internally driven and even if they look haggard from all the work they do, there's a certain sense of positive vibrancy. The place kinda buzzes with a quiet electricity.

All in all, I think MUIS is getting really cool to reach out to the community nowadays..haha

And X Men 3 rocks my yellow toe socks! I loved the whole sacrifice for a bigger cause all the characters had to make in the end, and the speech someone gave somewhere in the middle made me tear badly. I think it was the best movie I've seen since Land BEfore Time. You know the one where the baby dinosaurs found their way to their parents back at the end.

Been crying internally cause of my results. I keep rattling back and forth back and forth. I see the big picture, but I'm unsure of the steps on how to get there for now. What do I do these next few years would be decided upon these next few weeks. Crossroads, but well, ain't every moment one too if you let it be?

The Window ShopperRandom'>http://www.okcupid.com/personality?type=RGLD&g=2&o=1&h=167#">Random Gentle' g="2&o=" h="167#">Gentle'>http://www.okcupid.com/personality?type=RGLD&g=2&o=1&h=167#">Gentle

The Window ShopperRandom Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDf)
Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper. You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come. Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns. Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.
BEWARE: The Hornivore
CONSIDER: The Gentleman, The Loverboy

its a fact. i suck when it comes to huge chunks of memorisation. lousy.

Pause.

Have you ever felt like you had everything you needed but never what you wanted? I know the simplest thing to do would be to be thankful and move on with what you have, but I'm reflecting here, not exactly deciding what I'd like to do with my life at this moment in time, so please some breathing space would be really cool.

It's like I've got everything to be thankful for, but not exactly what makes me happy.

But then, that means the basics are in place, and so...

there's nothing exactly to be complaining about right?!

-A peaceful break of unhappiness-

Addicted exhibitionist

THat's It! I'm gettInG mY OWN pictures from noW on!! This is SO mucH fuN! hehe

Close your eyes.

You're now transported to a rolling unflattened world blanketed in white, peppered with slivers of black marking snow melted on black rock. The train you're in barrels on at unparralled speed to any other locomotive sevice in the continent as the fresh air outside whisks by with bits of flakes hit against the window, a temporary assault before melting into obscurity with other snowflakes. Inside you're in the bliss of comfort, snuggled up safe and warm, the aroma of sweet hot tea in the air, biscuits being passed around, the warmth of family.

You watch the surrounding mountainside with a mixture of awe and engagement. Awe at the power of He who created the movement of rock that peaked into mountains that lay beneath a magnificent endless range of pure white. Non-duplicable by mankind, but however providing us with a consistent sense and avenue for scientific enquiry and endeavour. Yet over time we understand we will never be able to even come close to understanding the totality of knowledge embedded within what lies before us.

You rake your eyes over the endless range, white-tipped peaks as far as the eyes can see, trying to take in everything with your naked eye, but you understand that you really can't commit it all to photographic memory. The most you can do is to paint a picture in your minds eye and have confidence that it will last you for a lifetime. You feel small and inconsequential, as you understand that these mountains have been lying here ever since the many peoples that came before you, you feel...time is an adage that is unprecedented and created by the Controller, Who looks into you as a miniscular part of the big picture.

At that point in time, you're overwhelmed with the sheer magnitude of power and grace contained within these alps,


the struggle of mankind to conquer what's imaginable to his mind as the train moves slinking its way further up the mountains,



and the possible inconsequentiality of your time on this Earth.

Not meant towards anyone

The potential ways in which an INFP can irritate others include:

1. being idealistic
2. appearing out of touch, perhaps not fully recognising current realities, and disregarding those they find unacceptable (not really.)
3. being stubborn over issues the group did not anticipate being a problem (nah. they see it as a problem alright.)
4. spending too much time thinking
5. avoiding conflict and not giving forthright criticism when it is needed (don't think this is a problem.)
6. focusing so much on interpersonal issues that cost and other impersonal considerations are not adequately discussed

Personal Growth
As with all types, the INFP can achieve personal growth by developing all functions that are not fully developed, through actions such as:
1. being prepared to declare the INFP's personal values
2. investigating and recognising the facts before interpreting what they mean (i do this too fast i think. but according to what i'd want to believe, which is my major problem right now.)
3. listing options and undertaking a formal process of evaluation against criteria, including a cost benefit analysis
4. undertaking a critical appraisal of a situation or person, and expressing disagreement or criticism when it could be of value to the recipient ( i don't think they'll like it dude.)
5. focusing on impersonal details during discussions and when making decisions
listing options and undertaking a formal process of evaluation against criteria, including a cost benefit analysis
6. establishing a long term goal, preparing a detailed implementation plan, and sticking to it (applies to personal life.)

Editted from: http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/mb-types/infp.htm

ok!

OK! after re reading my blog I have decided that I need to work on two things for now! number one! errr long term goal setting and a detailed way to get to it! sticking to it! number two! relationship building! like trusting people for one! erm, building friendships! hic. i'm damn high right now hic!

There's a way to take in criticisms gracefully. Unfortunately, I've got to master that yet. To realise you can do so much better, when viewed from other perspectives. Really shouldn't take it in a "hey! you're stepping on my toes" kinda way.

Had a good chilling time with Fahira and Adila Mohc yesterday, caught Fezhah's play.
Highlights:
1. I'm an INFJ, Fahira's an ENFP and Adila's an INTJ. Thus me and fahira will be of the likes of Matmaha Ghandi while Adila will be a future Librarian. hehe ;)

2. Met Su and Sya after the play.
Me: Hey peeps, this is my cousin, Fahira.
They take one look: "COusin?!"
And i was like...(abit paiseh at the commotion): "second cousin lah"...
HAHA expected...really shouldn't judge a person by the company she keeps nor her outlook man...but i guess its typical first impressions huh...

3. Anyway coming out from the play, I guess you can say you'd never really really understand what someone else is going through, cause you never know the circumstances...It's not only about strength of someone being able to get out of "shit" in life that one goes through, though in most cases it does boil down to that (and this is easily said but not done)..And well, they do realise they're kinda screwed up, its just that basically, it takes a LOT to get out of the mess. And at the end of it all, where does it lead you to go, when everyone of you is doing the same things? What's one's direction after that? Judging someone just doesn't help, the least you could do is understand, or at least try to. SO many issues, pretty deep, though the first one was too sexed up for my liking. hahaha.

I've got to quit my late coming habit man.


Time will allow some things to happen when you feel the time is ripe. Just don't think now's the time, and I wouldn't wanna get myself into a fix. The day will come when I can look at you straight in the eyes and see what I wanna see, as it is within you and what I see reflected back at me.

*smile!*

huphup

okay so I'm here just to cool my mind off things, so bear with me okays. Actually i wanted to blog abt my sibs and just how different we all are which ties in to why i just feel connected to some people even they're unlike me on the outside. thus, good is gradable, so is righteousness, humility, friendliness and freshness of perception. Has been a tiring week even though its only Tuesday. I so need a catch up break. At least going swimming tmr with marls will rock, hopefully.

free enneagram test


free enneagram test

i figured i'm a 5 when i'm pressurised and a 3 when things are good.

bummed the whole day tdy feeling a tad depressed
been postponing going to the docs for a week alr
so being unemployed, sick and lonely does not reside well
thus the need for the song...for everyone who is feeling blue
at any moment in time
whether you're gay, a cross-dresser or anorexic
Chirstina Aguilera and many other people care for you

ok anyway
talking to sha made me feel a tad better
haha nowadays we always end up in a heated discussion
over big things like getting to know her cousin
or whether business is about money or service to others(it's abt both ok!!)
the other day my dad was asking me why i was quarrelling with dee over the phone
i was like "huh?! since when?!" actually he overheard me talking to sha
and it's nothing somehow i realise it's the way we discuss things now
HAHA i love friends who grow with you..

and as i see the beautiful friendships ard me develop i'm thankful that there's just some things that can always be counted on...=)

Pushing on...

Yeowch. Got rejected by IBN. I guess it kinda woke me up and makes things not so easy anymore. If i really wanna take this industry seriously, well, it definitely won't come easy. So what's next? Hrm.

Apart from that, diyanah has been exposing me to her business, and i admit, even though it's really interesting and what i'd like to be exposed to i'm not sure i'd wanna commit wholeheartedly to it. The plans, strategies, culture its all there. But I really wanna commit myself to other things. Such as the industry closer related to my studies as stated above. but i think the admin lady was just falling out of her seat laughing at my grades. oh wells. just have to get over that image in my head for now.

MS meeting just now was alright, though i wish some things had just been mentioned much ealier, and well, let's just say it's an uphill task to rebuild it again..even though we never really saw it fall..over the years. I know some people think i'm crazy to be doing this task and dedicating so much time to something that maybe there's no reaping of benefits. But i suppose for me, it's something close to heart..almost like family. Well, it is like family actually, coz i guess my parents' generation benefitted from it and they way i see them (their whole bunch of frens) today is the way i'd want to see us grow and bring changes to the community at large. I see it as a chance to well, make a difference. And i definitely won't wanna make it small.

And also maybe community work is just me. I just can't work evolving around what I want, but more of what people around me want too. A people pleaser of sorts. And I can see the benefits coming out of it. And i don't find it a waste of time.

Bonding sessions with sibs, tuition and reading while travelling takes up the rest of my time so far this week. yupps.

Sorry PM Lee...

It's not you, it's us Singaporeans. You speak of equality for all, why shouldn't that opportunity be extended to the political arena too? I'm glad ure happy with the 65% though.

it's times like these, I'M PROUD TO BE A SINGAPOREAN!! The votes came out really well. I LOVE ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO VOTED!! YOU'RE ALL DAMN COOL! Just the right amount to give PM Lee a mandate, while giving support to the opposition such that they'll gain confidence from the young for their cause. Juuust right. :)

And so anyway. I kinda split myself up into two today to talk to myself about the issue in my previous post. One emo side and one rationale side. And it's all settled...basically something about not expecting too much out of people, even thought they may really be able to give to you what you want, they may not choose to do so cause of...i don't know. So wells, and i figured i only wanted anything cause i wanted to understand myself better. and so, i don't hate anyone, but i still don't understand, but it's ok, that's why i'm human aren't i?

blissfully holiday'ed already:):)

bitch

im feeling really bitchy right now and exasperated at..im not even sure what. before you try and prescribe something as though you know whats going on, trust me, you don't even have a clue to it cause it has no relation to anything that has happened recently, so give up already.

i just don't understand why some people find it so hard to just be direct and be honest. i mean i figured this one out but i can just tell that you mean another, i think i can read people quite well and the signals that are sent are so mixed up i swear i feel like im out of orbit getting signals from different galaxies of aliens that are confused as to whether they'd wanna be found. im freaking sick, and hurt, and disgusted. but the thing is im not even sure what this culminates to. so you know what? for once in my life, im gonna set it aside and pretend i dont care. but the problem is..its been bugging me for quite some time already.

i dont understand you.

therefore, i shall prefer to hate you.

revelation of an over-exercised mind

Ola Ola~* ok, so my intention for writing this is to get more peooople in to the stuff that I'd be doing these hols. See, two days of bumming is real good, but I can't take it any longer. I need to make this hols as meaningful as they can get. It's gonna be my last uni hols anyways before I hit the job market.

So i made a list in the midst of playing sudokou haha

1. Learn how to cook from my grandma, grandaunts, mom and aunts..especially arab dishes...plus sharing a load in the cooking and cleaning of this place...phasing out the maid already...heh...5 grown up kids leh!

2. science research internship..i hope i do get it, thou the chances of getting it are pretty slim...hrm...but the ideas would be to really define what i wanna do in this field..it's always been a vague idea and i don't think that works with me anymore, need to see sthg more concrete in the near future soon...

3. ok to get fit, great exercise and actually learn something practical i wanna do some form of water sports, aishah suggested wakeboarding which sounds cool, but right now i'm missing canoeing. but i wanna try deep sea diving someday..so probably gonna try that out first. anyone wanna join?:) plus morning jogs in the east, got a partner in junie and dee, but no training schedule planned out yet.

4. some business venture with a new pioneering company, yes, it's something like network marketing and i think network marketing the idea is there seh but its the way the people carry it out that is most important. Money being the most important factor is SUCH a turn off. but i think i wanna use this as just a spring board to bounce off ideas with.

5. MS MSA+ internship + reading circles +*****+ etc etc etc.. last bit before we step down!!

6. reading at least half of the books in the house and borrowing from the library every week

7. catching up with people (yayyayYAY finally time for this)

8. tuition and some other personal stuff to work towards to...

so yup yup!

anyways, i was kinda figuring out the profile of people who actually anonymously did my johari's window and this is what i came up with:
observer is someone who I have known for quite some time but barely talk to (cause otherwise you'd find me mature or idealistic, haha). Probably a guy (cause I don't think I'm shy around girls, duh) and hangs around in big groups, cause I'm much quieter in big groups(introverted). I'm not sure if the self-conscious part comes from reading people really well or from what people tell him, cause most of the other people mentioned it cause I mentioned something to them about insecurities and stuff before, and so it doesn't tally with what i think of this person being a bit distant from me. Emphasizes on the way one socialises.

zombie is probably a girl whom either I've worked with before (which explains independent and organised) and is pretty open (explains matured and reflective) with or reads my blog alot. Definitely someone I've talked to quite a decent amout, of my batch or a senior. Probably got to know me only in recent times, uni days. Emphasizes on the way one thinks, so probably a science student, and judges people fairly, ie doesn't like to gossip around.

Hehe. so do you think that's a fair attempt at reading people well? hiak hiakz.

gash

oh bad bad bad its like 4am and ive been online for like 5 hrs...just random chatting and i actually surfed friendster for once..geez..haha..

tdy was great..woke up late without anything to do then had lunch with diyanah jailani..was just thinking of all my batchmates she's the one that has changed the least. but to say that would be unjustifiable to the change she's been through herself...which she has..a stronger and more determined babe. but she's just been a solid rock since like ages ago when i knew her dependable i guess would be the word to use..and she mentioned abt some unexplicable thing we did in sec 2 hahaha. we went thru the entire class list just commenting on how attractive this person was or like the type of pretty and such. like how brainless right? and i couldnt remember..dammit...what a miss at a potential treasured memory...

on a deeper note sthg kinda resonated in me:
when will i ever treasure the people who really believe they mean something to me...but then again how much will you really know what you mean to someone else?
so many times..

and i saw my pri sch frens meeting up on a frenster pic...like 14 yrs between them...yes azura..in case ure reading this its tt guy shaik was talking abt..hehe..man i just stared at the pic of them blatantly making faces at the camera and was amazed at how ppl can just open up...and get hurt anyways....
so yea theme for the hols!!! to open up and get hurt? heh heh

anyways tmr will be a long day...akkkkkksss but its way past my bedtime!! come to think of it so will the weekend...and the week after...

and to think i came online just to complete my ibn application form...akkkz

bum bum bum

i have realised that...if one doesn't have feelings for someone, nothing in the whole world can force that. unless you're rationale enough to believe your feelings are less important than practicality. which like not many ppl are as noble as that. but i hope this changes as i grow older. i dun wanna be so superficial. haha, oh wdheck.

anyway! it's OVER! OVER OVER! *does the sunshine dance* i just superhope can pass everything. like all i need right now is to just do at least least lllleeeeeeaaaast that. esp for my major mods, which are totally killing me this sem. and last. and the sem before that. urgh...

totally bumming session with marls, yunni, zaty, susu and syasya tdy after ppr! it was hot to bum after SO totally long. like gazillions of light years ago did i bum as much. took a stroll towards esplanade after dinner at siam kitchen...weather was gorgeous-haha su's fav word for everyone!-and unfortunately we had to destroy the atmosphere for all the loving couples there. and there was this bunch of ang mohs that actually STOPPED and stared at us taking photos. but the best part was just...i don't know.... like not worrying about anything. living for the moment and momentarily letting everything pass as it is. i think it's called "relax" by most people. that was fun. haha.

mills of things to do for now. but the first most urgent thang is ...to READ!!!!=)

eeeks!

eeks! 28 hrs to my last paper and 30 hrs to freedom!!

went jogging this morning! more of like strolling and walking down bedok rise, towards dee's block, called her a dozen times(ok, twice) and msged but no amt of bombardment can awaken that gurl if she decides to sleep thru the morning...went under her window (she lives on the 2nd floor so i could have started throwing stones if I wanted to) and stared thru it and the vibes were more towards "leave me alone! I'm not for jogging this morning!" so well...rather lonely walked all the way down the backyards of siglap (I found a new back alley!!) towards bedok jetty and then all the way down to macs coz i was craving for macs breakfast...and unfortunately could only afford a meagre sausage mcmuffin..pathetic breakfast...then as I was jumping happily on the way back I tripped and sprained my ankle!! and scabbed my knee on the other leg. so went home with slightly torn pants and a throbbing ankle.

so that was my morning. i think i need to find a new bedok fren to hooray hooray on mornings in case dee can't make it. or we can all hooray hooray together. problem is, the closest person i can think of is marlini who's nursing an injured knee in pasir ris, or sha...who has a hubby cum exercise parner and yani...who...prefers upper class gymming and doesn't like to run.

SO ANYWAY!

1) Been watching too many reality shows!! American Idol: totally rooting for elliot even thou chris and katherine will be the top two. Elliot's just sooooo honest. hehe. Anugerah skrin: love the format of the show. thou i think it lacks publicity off suria (the official website is like uberbasic), and the contestants should be confident enough at this level to practise on their own tonnes of times and have backup of what to say. but their efforts are commendable i guess, bet if i was up there, i'd be stuttering 3 worded sentences...hope they can show their mettle and improve for the next few episodes thou..

2) I am so in awe and enormously grateful to my kind kind cell bio prof who can simple allow his students to msg him at all times of the day!!! i bet he'd reply a question on GPCR signalling even at 3 am in the morning!! now THAT's what i call a true educator. one who never says no to students who wanna learn more.. meeting him at 330 l8r for some last minute concept revisions that i just can't get...

3) Can't wait for exams to be over!! 27.5 hrs!!!! Then I can finally go to a rally and cheer for the opposition!! haha. ok lah, they still put up a good fight right even thou no novel ideas have come up yet to really take them seriously. I mean "You have a choice"...sure, technically i do. But realistically, an alternative voice should come with alternative novel solutions that are on par with PAP standards that are able to convice the people that that's a better route. So until then, no harm supporting for the underdogs right? =)

4) I need to study!!!! 27.4 hrs!!!!

fast

first two papers were okay, three more to go. was ok actually...would like to give credit to siti aisyah for actually studying for her exams this time around. but still, I can't wait for this sem to be simply OVER. In fact, I can't wait for everything to be over so that I can just drop and run away. Just let go of the bonds that tie my hands down. Just simply to let go and break free.

I admire people who can see the goodness in others.

and to each, it's own. all that i write simply pertains to MY life. I don't seek to impose. I'm only criticising my own life. So bear with me ya.

can't wait can't wait can't wait...

Of Singlehood

So all this talk about getting serious with someone is beginning to get to me. Like, friends saying I should get to know this guy and that. Aights, happy couples may shoot me once I'm done, but well here's my take on things.

I feel that for this moment in time it's about being you in your own skin, without being attached to anyone else. I've always taken advice from my mom who says that you should focus on yourself before looking to perfect any relationship. All relationships would have their problems anyway, and sometimes it's an endless cycle. You have more problems coming out from insecurity, of wanting to know where you stand in each others' eyes, of argueing about what you expect out of each other, you have to deal with how you compare to his past exes, it's like creating problems and worry out of something that you know you can choose to ignore completely. And my dad says people tend to end up with people who have the same traits as themselves. The whole Iffah concept. Sometimes it's so easy to take advice from them cause I do wanna look into the future and have that ideal relationship that my parents have. 23 years from the day they got married, the romance and love is still strong. They appreciate one another for what they do and are proud to express it in front of their kids. Call me a traditionalist, but some factors in their relationship would have to work still in this day and age.

I guess I've never really realised it before, but I tend to take stuff like this seriously and well...future-orientedly. And I know sometimes I may come across as being uncertain and maybe that can send mixed signals of who I really am. But I don't find it wrong to be still looking for yourself at this age, especially in this day. Why the hurry? We're not born in our grandma's age where a girl HAS to get married or she'll have no future by societal standards. Ladies have choices now. And we'd need to choose our paths wisely, especially when you have to be stronger and certain about what you want these days before people decide it for you. I'm talking generally, like career paths, education paths, who you hang out with, what you choose to do with your free time, whether you choose to support a cause, get a part-time job, etc. There's so many things to do and so little time. And I'd rather explore all options before I settle down and get tied down to someone. Sometimes I feel relationships can get a liittle self-indulgent. You know the whole "dah makan?" concept when you pick up and ask every single detail about one's day, I just can't imagine doing that to anyone. Plus I've got enough things to occupy my time. I've got to be a part-time mom/mentor figure to my 10/13/15 year old sibs when my parents are not home, long term planning for MS stuff after exams are over, trying to think of ways on how to improve general health of singaporeans especially the Malays when I graduate but figuring it out now during the hols-there's so much potential in the life science industry that's not being explored and potentially cashed upon-in terms of health standards, education of the public and business avenues, wanna be active in international organisations too-at the bottom of the page on the left are the two mains ones I wanna go into, and help the community at large. It's fun when you get to affect positive change on someone else's lives. It's not just about doing good to be a good person, so that you know you can say you've done all that.

It's not as though I've not dreamt of some ideal conconction: I'd want someone forward-looking, expressive, romantic, opinionated, intelligent, socially aware and quick-witted. Someone who can deal with problems as they come along independently, to bounce ideas off each other, and I'd wanna be independent too. I don't wanna be weak. To digress: the main common denominator in all broken marriages is that the women were dominated by men, or they weren't strong enough to hold the home together. I'd always thought kids grow up to learn their mom's values and their dad's worldview. If your dad sees you destined to be a housewife, the child will learn to realise that as her self-fulfilling prophesy. If your mom was a strong-principled woman, you'd grow up to learn a lot from her.
Also, sometimes I tend to realise ladies that are well off & married in happy homes tend to be super busy with their new lives that they don't dabble in new hobbies, or take time to learn more about the outside world. It's like a self-made cocoon once you're settled down, cause life is just about fulfilling your husband's needs. Fair enough, that's important. But...you know, being socially aware and active is important too. Every single hand and brain matters, especially in our community.

On the other hand, maybe I've just given up on any hope for now. There's a million things to catch on anyway, so why bother? And not that I'm being egoistic or anything, but I just feel self-assured that somehow in someway I'd end up with someone before alarm bells go ringing. I mean, life's not how every princess wishes it to be, and i know I lack total experience in that aspect and I do care, but somehow, I'm not worried about not being with anyone for now. Sometimes I feel people tie themselves down just to be seen as cool to be together with someone, cause it's like everyone's doing it, or to know that you have someone to depend on, when they're actually just tieing themselves down.

SO... if you're out there and single, trust me, I feel you have SO much more in life to live and give. =)

BOO!

OK! i've decided to take a break from personal stuff right now...coz i've pretty much not decided on how to take it all yet until it's all internalised, digested and absorbed by my little brain...but until then!!

1. LOST recaps
It's a total blow-by-blow account of ALL the LOST episodes that have been shown in the US, which is like 15 episodes ahead of us. 15!!! so u can imagine how much information you can get from reading this! weehehehe...Issues like: did jack and kate finally hit it off? did they find the "others"? Why did desmond actually have to press the button every 108 mins, and if he doesn't would the whole island actually explode? And while reading u can somewhat make connections to life. some things to pander abt: Pressing the button=paranoia to do something because people tell you to, and you don't wanna take the risk of not taking the right path; the tailies (those that landed on the island with the tail end of the plane) and the headies (no 2nd guesses) ending up with totally different turnouts simply cause of their environments= evolution of society due to their surroundings; the development of leadership, the issues dealing with survival, the paranoia of humans and paralells in relating their current experiences with their past experiences. WAY HOT. and somewhere read that the sound that the island makes sounds like MRI, done to scan cancer tumours, ie. some HUGE scanning machine that can trek down where everyone is. CREEPY.

2. dressupgames.com

As the title states, you can play ALL kinds of dressing up games, from dressing up to prom, to make up, to fancy dress parties, to dressing up horses, and even wierd looking creatures like rabbits (that look like playboy rabbits come to think of it) and fairies. Pure fun or for any gurl who needs help to decide on her new look this coming hols.hehehe. Mah sis afiyah/fifi/kutil introduced me to it and she's got me addicted. she's like 13 btw. and no i don't think i had a deprived childhood, but i would have serious doubts about this now that i'm addicted. ~*

was so nice so see everyone again at Ramen 10. and the food is absolutely tear jerking. definitely going back there again.

ALL THE BEST FOR EXAMS ppl! just think of the 3 months of pure bliss when its ALLLL overr............

Death

Death. Don't you just keep hearing about it all around nowadays? Someone just told me that her friend's sister died, and she was just a few years' older than us. Cause unknown yet to us, cause she's not that close to that friend.

To me, death seems to be an abstract concept. I've never lost a close loved one before. Not even a peer that I really truly knew. The last time a really close relative died, it was my arwah grandpa, my second one on my paternal side as my granny married twice, and i was young and naive enough to be more preoccupied with the cockroach stuck in the kemenyan holder than to grieve solemnly over the dead body just two metres away.

If anyone of my relatives passed away, I wouldn't know what to think or do.
But why do people have to die?
MAH THEORY:
Well it's sthg that's somewhat like the law of diminishing returns in economics. Or rather an anti-law of it. You can't have too much of a good thing otherwise you'd take it for granted.
The one who's passed on into the afterlife has no more chances in this one. i.e. GONE. KA-BAM! CLOSED ACCOUNTS, SORRY NO MORE CHECKING IN OF ACCOUNT BALANCES! The only way he can continue his good deeds would be only 3 particularly fragile ways: through his descendents, good things that come out from his wealth, and knowledge that was passed on during his lifetime.
Another simple answer would be cause God wants us living ones to realise that everything comes from Him. He will take away what He wishes and we have no say nor control over the matter.
We all have a real life ticking clock right within us, above us, around us, guiding along our lives til the very end. And at the finishing line, most of us will feel like we're not ready yet to cross over and answer all sorts of questions that hasn't really been tested in the exams we've sat for all our lives. And if we fail this exam...ahHhHHh....there's not exactly another sub-paper that you can take or another module to replace that glaring F you received.

Speaking of exams, I've finally conceeded that it's particularly impossible to get that out of reach dream I once had. Aiyah dun bluff me lah, you also had that dream when you entered NUs one. you know, that one. No need to say lah, embarassed already. SO yeah. I calculated, and i'd need an average CAP of 5.18/5 for the next three sems to even be close to it. So urh...forget theologically, intellectually, spiritually, and all other -allies, it's not even mathematically possible.

I can somewhat see a pattern in the mods I've taken and this are the stuff I kinda dig:

1. Evolution of culture/human civilisation
2. Literature (how ideas are translated and read through diff periods in history + how ppl think at that particular period)
3. Interpersonal communication
4. Management
5. General theories
6. Health and medicine
I should have started with a major in lit and maybe a minor in life science rather than trying to do the other way around.
Plus I wanna work in the social services industry, or rather have a job where i get to interact with ppl. Doing research is cool, and I really salute ppl who can do it 24/7, but counting bacterial colonies on nutrient agar plates just isnt...my plate of agar...(HAHA geddit, geddit?!) Maybe nursing is for me...found myself staring at them advertisements on the train ride home after my "intentionally on purpose getting lost session" at Orchard.
But still, the possibilities are endless. And I hate the idea of doing only ONE thing all my life. I'm a renaissance soul. Heh, read that somewhere in a book i picked up from Borders: someone who keeps doing different things, and can't settle on one particular passion...I mean there's like a million ways to save the earth, help the community, make soneone's day, and not to mention all the types of stuff i end up doing in school...new ppl to meet...the more radically different from me the more enticing they become...seriously...hehe...

SO ok, last pt...today, of all days, during one of my LSM lectures with the tutor, who's really good at explaining stuff agst the idea of mass tutorial, when half the cohort don't attend coz they either know all the answers or they haven't done it and will find it a waste of time if they attend, STHG HIT ME: These, right here, sitting and listening intently to her every single word, were all the MUGGERTOADS who would take over the entire SPECTRUM of A+, A, A-, B+, B and maybe even half of the B- ses. Okay, MUGGERTOADS is just too harsh a word. More like people who are focused, superliciously hardworking and know what they want from the day ONE, from the time they matriculated in, the time where we felt super-conscious about our wierd looking photos and during awkward moments in making frens.
In comparison, me being the starry-eyed, idealistic girl who was still searching...on what she wanted to do with her life: I was probably just a little, a little tad bit outta my league.
Maybe they just do deserve that honours degree a million times more than I do.

And now that I've finally gotten that out of my system, I feel much lighter. =)
=)

=)

omg! i just did a partial haiku by accident!! hahahahahhahaha.
sorry. im really stressed. my intellectually stimulating posts would be back very soon. meanwhile im off to tahiti with 2103.

omg another haiku!

Claching

Have you ever felt sometimes that just as everything is crystal clear and intact, it all shatters down like glass shards being broken into a thousand pieces?

Cracking, shaking, shattering, falling.

KA-CLUNK!

BOOM!BANG!BOOOSH!



Brain-dead.

The Newest Testament

5 things I've learnt in the past year:

5. My brother has the ability to communicate with me quite well. And vice versa, if i judge his moods and reactions correctly. And with that suddenly everything falls into place, and family's my second priority right now after God and personal self development. OCS family day was great! Had prata in the canteen when my sis popped the ultimate question:
Afiyah: Eh, why NS guys must cut their hair ah?
Me: So that when they crawl under the bushes then they don't get stuck there.
Afiyah: Oh later if they get stuck under the bushes then the person behind them push then their heads get cut off and remain hanging under the bushes ah? (Morbid!)
Adilah: (trying to come up with a better reason) So that they cannot keep weapons in their hair...(come to think of it isnt tt a good thing??)
Luqman: Otherwise they all become afro ppl when they go into the jungle...like in LOST...

KWANG KWANG...damn lame seh...

4. Everyone's got something that they see that others won't be able to see. Their own hidden talent. But how much you're able to express it depends on the need, the want and the will.

3. [editted]I've learnt the true meaning of friendship. It's about giving, and by chance or calculated risk, getting something back in return. Sorry if I've offended anyone in the earlier point. I guess I've got to manage how to handle certain kinds of people. But I've forgiven. Life goes on.

2. I get bored when i can't overanalyse. And i don't like being told what to do. I guess i've discovered my new control freak streak. but it's not really a control freak streak. it's more like an idealistic version of a control freak streak, so until i can find a proper name to term it i shall call it the aisyah streak.

1. I'm finally doing something meaningful in my life, I've found what I want to do. My niche. I guess the secret is just to continue doing what you love, despite what others have to say about it. And believeing in your dreams no matter what.

So screw all the critics. I'm jamming to the voice within.

Anyway tdy right after metabolism lecture (which ended at 10 am!)i suddenly had the urge to get down to tampines interchange macs and have breakfast. Sya couldn't understand the happiness on my face at such an abstract idea. It was refreshing I tell ya. Just get out of the whole jin bang rat race of things and sit and stare and see normal people dealing with everyday issues. And trying to read, well, them. It was hot. Recommended to anyone who's got the urge to relax. =)

narcissistic-escapisim

ok la, the post on not being malay is a bit exaggerated. so i take it back..somewhat. i mean, you know, im still 25% javanese-sumatran.. (berkirer sak budak nie)

looked thru my kid photos. when i was like just born. and discovered some shocking things:

shock #1: I learnt how to smile when i was 4 months! and all this while i was deluded that i leart only when i was 16 when my braces fell off! (still remember farah saying "why do u look like you're in pain when you smile?!" coz i used to not show my teeth and the edges of my mouth turned down..hahahaha so somehow i forgot how to smile growing up...

shock #2: urh actually this one not shock one. it's more like a sudden realisation as i flipped thru the pages. at 4 i was still celebrating my birthday with a huge 4-shaped bday cake with my parents and aunts and uncles at my granny's hse..katerkan..eldest cousin kan..so macam growing up with so many ppl doting on you...

and then suddenly the people disappeared. the celebrations and outings became less. the everyone smiling to the camera happily pictures became more disparate.

and i couldn't help bursting out in tears...all these years i felt neglected not coz they didn't love me anymore and i felt that sudden form of neglect and loneliness all these years growing up with broken promises and missing people...it was the shift tt affected me. because i was given so much to begin with. the sudden loss made it feel all the more empty.

new families, work, self-developments, other commitments.

I've only realised what caused all that confusion, only now.

Just cause people don't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they can.

You dont know what you've got 'til it's gone.

The more you have, the more pain you feel when it's lost. And in the confusion you'll always have that ideal to get back the ideal of the way things were.

revival of the simplistic mind

Two things:

1. Having high expectations is a good thing only if you internalise the reasons for wanting to do so. was reading some random juniors' blogs and the memories came flooding back. what am i doing now that's so recurrent and what can i do to change anything i'd want to?

2. Having everything doesn't mean you're gonna make use of it wisely. You may even take it for granted. or worse, be riak about it.

just a constant reminder to myself.

anyway to random wierd mean people who get a perverse triumphant feeling from leaving anonymous statements on my post (including the birthday wish from last year AND the random input on my johari's window), please, if ure not gonna tell me who you are then do find something meaningful to do with ur life. it's sincerely for your own good too, you know.

i always get ideas to blog but soon forget when i sit in front of them comp. sigh, not fated la huh.

family

i'm really proud of my siblings. they're beginning to come to their own and show a sense of independence and forming their own mind and world view. which im totally in approval of.

though we may all come from totally different social circles and framework, there's just a common understanding, probably infused from our parents. its comforting somewhat, coz i just feel that my family isn't like most other malay families. we're just a little different.

i think i can place it on idealism. my parent's are those that infuse us with big ideas and ideals, and though they do acknowledge constraints like the education system and money matters, they still let us do what we feel is morally right, as well as things to maximise our potential in the long run. as individuals in all dimensions. plus the fact that we're not culturally rooted in the malay dimensions. i mean, to me being malay is a simply related to language. all those customs are mostly what third cousins practice, or my parent's colleagues if they invite us over for weddings. the malay world view is as personal to me as the reason why medieval monks keep beating themselves. well, aside from the fact that the people i sort of see often are practising it. and you don't see monks beating themselves in public nowadays.

but of course from language comes a certain understanding of how we see the world. thus romantic malay notions relating to surrounding nature, esp the beach. hehe. di tepi pantai...

pragmatism doesn't rule in my family. it's just a consequence of survival.

and even thou i've been having wierd ideas of late of settling down after marriage to become a full time housewife(it's wierd for me, trust me) i realise the best way is just what my mom's doing now. not only for the money (that aside, remember, pragmatism doesn't rule) but also for the fact that she knows what's out there, she's subjected to the real world. and she can tell us about it when she comes home to prepare dinner for us. it's a win-win situation, and i've told her that. besides, it's not about how much time you spend with your kids anyway. it's about quality time.

so in all, my family's perfect for me. just like everyone elses' is right for them.

unconfused

i had a long thought about it the long ride journey home.

I just can't seem to put a finger on it.

But for all the lack of rhyme or reason, it all boils down to one person.

Those in the know , will know.

Ultimately, i look out for three things in friends: sincerity, honesty and good values.

Call me boring and a total wet blanket but i can't laugh along and pretend everything's alright when my insides are screaming "HYPOCRITE!!!"

I've decided on a new stand: that i'll enter and continue to enter ppl's lives on a good note from now on. and those that i really don't know how to deal with will stay stagnant until sthg positive comes along to enter into their lives again.
lives just too short to waste on wasting time.
I know what I want now so don't pity me. I'm much happier being alone. Rather be alone and understanding myself than being hypocritical with a million friends.

And by hypocrite, i mean ME.

SNAP.

All you FREAKING MATS who call needlessly at random hours of the night asking for my sister to flirt with and to talk to, please i beg you, do just plainly find better things to do with your time.

Kau ni pun samer la dilah. Kau gi layan diorang sumer buat pe, hah. Balik-balik buat kawan aje tak de salah ah tapi kau gi fikiiiir la panjang-panjang jauh jauh sikit. Buat kawan tu ader baiknyer la. Tapi kau sendiri mestipun ader pendirian sendiri ah.

And mr muhammad imran bin mustapha please get your BUTT back home this instant right NOW! how DARE you leave for tioman just 1 week after your habis BMT with your flinging friends! i didn't even see your straight (straighter than my leper one anyway) batang hidung much at home before you went hooray hooraying away with your new found friends.

alah KAK it's all YOUR fault la. can't you see. if you hadn't been so busy with OTHER WORK which is apparently more important than your family then of coz he's gonna think so and do so. all you can do is write a measely testimonial for him. bearing all the dirty secrets. He was home the whole weekend while you were outside doing stuff for other people.

Your own brother. neglected.

Mass people of society, do NOT neglect your family. At the end of the day, your life, you'll feel empty dying without knowing how much you can really know them.

please lah aisyah. that only applies to you can?

honesty

As much as i'd like to admit that I've been honestly telling you everything that I would want to in my previous posts, it's come to make me realise that I've been unwittingly self-censoring myself according to whom I feel would get slighted or read too much into my words.

And it's not that I'd not want to express myself clearly, but I guess as of late the whole world would be intertwined in my thoughts and as to avoid abovementioned situation i have resorted to complaning about the most mundane and obvious.

Maybe it's just in my nature to be uptight and polite and non-expressive, especially in negative situations. As much as I'd like to be direct and open and expect others to think i'm trying to just be constructive, you'd have to adjust your level of criticism and tone according to the person whom your talking to. And considering the multiple roles that I've come to realise I play towards different people it's just not me at the moment to express myself in one single way. I mean, I don't think it's hypocritical. I'm still me. But the way i tell things out would differ according to whom i talk to. And I have no idea who reads my blog.

Yes, I try to understand and get everyone to see eye to eye. That's why I usually end up trying to get the person whom I'm talkin to to see the opposing view when I'm actually supposed to be comforting her/him. I tend to take the neutral stand. the one in which everyone wins. some people might take it as a loser way out. the people pleasing way. but ultimately you're not able to move ahead without having the mandate of people around you, without their support and trust.

everything's just a blur right now.

torn

i will not feel sorry for myself.

many uncertainties for the future. heedless to say about schoolwork. dreams being put on hold. misunderstandings that lead to nonsensical bickering. growing apart. growing up. growing tensions with matters left unsaid. and a growing friendship that might not break even in the end.=(

at least my family's been much happier=)


All this too will pass.

bleargh

some people are just SO irritating. Just SO freaking irritating. I mean, wth, i'm just trying to help you to see your point and GET through to you but you know what, more than simply pushing me away you turn your back and start pointing fingers at me. FINE. Maybe i've irritated you enough to get through to you. Maybe you just don't see the point of sharing anything with me. Maybe you just have given up on me trying to understand you coz i don't respect you not wanting to tell me anything in the first place.

FINE.

the same old thang

well my bro did as he expected and I'm glad he's happy. Alhamdulillah. What's next is totally left to him to decide. Maybe a scholarship overseas.

Anyway I'm supershocked at some stuff i just saw on frenster. I know i'm always living in my own bubble and need to like awaken myself..and that's how people like me are perceived by "others"..but on the other hand, there's also a case of space. breaks. to define yourself and what you're not.

understanding is the key.

not being judgemental.

U gotta be kidding rite?

Miracles can happen if u believe. Today i managed to join the discussion on 17th century porn without actually feeling self-conscious or blushing about it. way cool eh? haha.

ok, before anyone bereaves on the hypocrisy attached to tudung girls these days again (looks solemnly at mars)..relax...it's just for this mod tt i'm taking discussing love poetry. apparently in their time there were two extreme schools of thought: that love was carnal and just all about sexual pleasure,nothing more, while another school of thought was that love was something constantly seeking for a higher spiritual end, considered platonic love. (it's amazing how the meaning has evolved up until tdy eh? haha. platonic now means nothing gg on..budden hmm, can also mean tt theres no sexual relations but just simply love for the sake of each other)

so yup..we were discussing poetry on both..all about dealing with emotions..no clear cut rules on that sometimes..

haha arly and me were sharing that having old chang kee in school is actually a ploy by the government to increase the number of babies made in singapore. I mean, everyone knows that OCK makes u simply FAT, putting on layers of blubber. and fats are actually a good storage medium for hormones, apart from the usual ones that give u muscles and makes u lie under stress, there's your beloved sex hormones, oestrogen and testosterone. so indirectly by giving us means to eat and get fat, we'd have higher levels of sex hormones and as such...(you do the logic here)...would have higher chances of falling in love (romantically speaking) and (God forbid, no extramarital affairs please, =P) get married and wallah have KIDS!


So moral of the story is, next time you buy a stick of sotong balls or crab meat at ur frenly YIH OCK, remember that it's actually the government's scheme to make you, yes YOU, have more babies. and to think they planted that time bomb right under our very innocent noses.

now im wondering if i should let the opposition in on that so tt they can have yet another rhetorical debate on how we're decreasing the level of intellectualism and thus affecting the process maturation of society in singapore by encouraging our undergrads to engage in such whimsical premarital affairs.


oh oh and you know the line that says
"all cute guys are either attached, married, or gay."?

well, i could always vouch for the first two. But now, maybe I'm enlightened to the whole phrase. For those who know what's been happening of late, you do the math. I really dunnow where to put my face man.

oh and had a good time catching up with Adila mohc. maybe a one-on-one is just my style of things. or maybe i just need to get rid of clutter whenever i chillout with ppl.

'A' level results tmr! goooot luck to my bro, and every everyone else!!=)

Ok i finally caved in! haha.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Siti+Aisyah

do let me know who you are thou! =) then i'll do yours!! wayy cool rite?

oh and i wanted to write a poem tt went sthg like this:


shucks. pantun-fright. arhhh!

Piece of Life

Was having an internship meeting yesterday morning and it just struck me how vulnerable the whole project was. We've never tried it out before and it's totally brand new, all theory and not yet put into practical. Yet at the same time, most of those working on it do believe in it, and so do I, and as such I have strong faith that thing would work out.

I mean, ideally, isn't all that we do based on working towards ideals? That particular mindframe, state of mind, idea of how things should be run? That we strive hard in our lives, personal goals, relationships, studies, outside stuff such as this, to ensure that what we can do to make things the way we feel they should be implemented into our lives and our surroundings?

Thinking about it, MS and any other organisation is really a platform to try out your ideas, cause even when you say community service, but wouldn't that be UNDER an external organisation, and you'd be running under their agenda rather than your own? Where else can you get together with a group of like minded friends to push forward what you collectively believe in? To set your own agenda, push forward together and strive for what you all think is good all around? To bring forth your OWN ideas for society.

Thus my dear juniors, don't be disheartened from the past if some things/events don't work out the way you want it to be. If you've got ideas/suggestions and changes you'd want to implement, don't let anything stop you. Step forward, be brave and work together with your peers to make it happen..the way you want it to be. This is all about YOU, all about US trying to make a difference. Cause isn't life all about striving for what we believe in is right?

Ultimately, the one who will make the change is the one who dares to take risks, step forward and go the extra mile to make things happen.. with that particular idea in mind to make it happen, with calculated risks and sound judgement..

And you'll always have your peers to support you..

honesty

i love people who are honest to me. Who know that despite what no matter what happens, sometimes it's more important for the truth to happen and be out then for me(and many others) to be living my life without that extra guidance from a true friend.

Thanks filzah:) and thanks sha for setting that beautiful example..you're inspiring just being who you are, and i'm really glad you did what you did..*hugs*hehe=) dun be so overwhelmed k..relax..

i realise it now, that i've got to be so much braver and stronger than who i really am right now..and definitely for the very right reasons..not just to make things work the way i believe they should be but for the bigger purpose..all for Him...

In pieces.

I can practically DIE of guilt right now..Did sthg that I SO wasn't supposed to do..Totally made the wrong decision and made the wrong moves..this is definitely one example when agression totally didn't play a part..screw what they taught us..ppl aren't necessarily as agressive with what they think when they ought to be...ARGH! And ultimately the one to blame is the one who put front the idea..don't u watch the apprentice?


I'm feeling rather *beep* at the way things are right now, and depressed that things can't change so easily.

But I do realise that ultimately it's really not abt me at all, but the whole set up of things.











_________________________________
And this is what I want, but not what I expect..totally...I'm happy but not in bliss..maybe we're both takin too much of calculated risks..and i can't bail out coz for once there's no valid reason to do so..

Confuscious said...

Forewarned: This is gonna get messy, as the author just wants to get her thoughts out to ppl whom whe won't meet in due time coz of their respective busy schedules and so it's not a pretty pretty post but more of a random update.

____________________
Anyhoos!

Today was such a good day! And so was yesterday!
I hate having good days coz if i'm not careful it'll taper off to slackerish-dom and everything would go tongang terbalik!

my definition of a good day is anyhow when i manage to do what i wanna on tt day itself as well as manage to look out for considerable possibilities of what i wanna do next for time ahead.
usually it involves people..i like making connections with people and knowing tt sthg constructive came out of my interactions with them.
and doing new things...i guess only my sec sch frens can really understand the extent of the change within me..sometimes i feel that time is just running so short to do all that i wanna do!

reflections:

1) it's so easy to criticise but not to do, so easy to manage but not to lead, so easy to think but not to implement.
2) i can get super bossy at times and i'm really sorry to those people tt I mught have turned off. EQ, EQ, EQ.
3) self regulation.speaks for itself.keep thinking, keep improving, keep doing.
4) i think i might be moving too fast.and sometimes what u thought u knew aint seem so familiar anymore. i dont wanna lose friendships and yes the bond might be fractured and maybe the ideal picture i had of us all growing old together and sharing bonding stories aint so clear anymore but i think people change and have to set their priorities right based on what they feel is impt..but can ppl still be close when their values and priorities change so much? i mean ultimately its all abt the communication right?
5) i wanted to do the window on mars' blog but my version but knowing me i'll take so much time analysing everythin and i'd end up getting even more confused than giving me a clearer pict of who i am. MUAHA.
6) i dont know how u can feel comfortable with someone tt u barely know, even more so than frens uve known much longer, but i guess tt happens. but i dun wanna think too mugh abt it now.
7) I HAVE SO MUCH SCHOWRK TO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

ok tt last pt wasnt really a reflection, anyhows i'll be mugging in sci lib 24/7 next few days so care to drop by and join me if u wish. ta!!

Spread the love.

Beautiful day. I love the people around me. =)

Everyone has their own strengths, you just have to learn and appreciate them for who they are.

LOve love loVe. =)

Wake up call

She turned to me and asked,"Are you gonna S/U this module?" Which translates to: ARe you going to take this module seriously, cause if you're not, i think we have some serious negotiation to do here.

I guess I shouldn't be so stunned by her blatant question. It's been like that since the beginning of time. Only people move at a faster speed nowadays.

Your importance is measured by what you can give to people, whether it's intentional or not, your actions, deeds and involvement with them has to be a positive impact on them. Friendships have suffered in the past cause of neglect and too much negative criticism...

So yea.

And to you please, no games. I know where I stand. For now. :)

Nursery rhyme

It doesn't matter what they think
It doesn't matter what they say
As long as I'm happy with my life
I'm not going throught with it all the way.

Random things tt matter

I have a million and one things to do right now, and people pulling me in all directions. Yesterday morning woke and stared at the ceiling for fifteen whole minutes redrawing out my four concentric circles of priorities.

But it still didnt end out on the right note..hmm..prolly coz i didnt get much done after I left for school...;( I have to be consistent this sem and not imagine for some miracle wonderous extra brain implanted just before term tests and exams..

help.

should we help those that blatantly need help, or those that dont think they do need help but somehow we can advance their lives so that there will be more people like them to help others who'd need help?

i find it awkward to ignore someone tt I know from previous encounters, but if that particular someone has been ignoring me for the past one and a half years everytime we meet, what make's me think this time would be any different? there's only sucha level tt anyone can take, and furthermore, i just kinda realised tt for frens to happen, the effort has to be mutual. so mutual it is.


execution was good, planning i have no idea yet, and personally i think things could have been done better on my part. but its always the case isnt it. saw many cases of damsels in distress. and got really irritated by a few huge male egos.

i hate (gender) stereotypes, since i've been breaking them from the day I was born.

Here I go again. berbelit-ing.

Everything takes time. Children grow and learn, societies evolve (for better or worse), seasons change...ok la ok la i've lost my point.

All I'm saying is this hasnt been occuring just coz it's happened at this moment in time. It's a process, a system that has been passed down for the last few years. Don't you think we're all aware of it? Don't you see how hard it is for the system, for a whole organisation to change it's way of working just like that? I hate to put the blame on anyone, and as those most in control of the situation, the power to change is rightfully and moralistically ours to acknowledge.

Yet things have to been seen in the context of the situation and personalities that brought about the 'crisis' so called.

Personally, I've always taken the backseat to a strong way of working. I've always let others taken charge when things are going right, and only move forward if i see no one else is doing the job or when ive been told to do sthg. like in rgs, in tpjc drama, interact...I guess I've only woken up when I left jc.

Now things are different and I'm still learning. From the way I see it, we can either run forward or sink. as the ones before us did.

but while we're at it, trust us that we'd put in our heart and soul.

pain

Sometimes it doesn't help to be a helpless romantic and be such an analytical thinker both. You can go to such extremes and play all the wrong things at the worst of times. And make yourself go bonkers feeling hurt and pain when to someone else it's all just another moment in life to look behind on, having moved on, tt was sthg SO way passe.

Aiyah. Get a life lah Aisyah.

Moving on! okay yesterday was a good nite staying over at Mars' place in johore. had a nice relaxed time with frens n ppl i just met. thanks mars for inviting me over, and the rest as well for the funny ideas to entertain ourselves and the kids. haha. too bad some of us fell asleep so soon, the air con in the room was so shiok...but things went as they shud, and everyone had fun..

saw beautiful fireworks! actually i've never been a fan of fireworks. like i was on the packed bridge on national day two years back and it was SO damn crowded and all i wanted was to get to city hall mrt from the merlion, but i couldnt move coz everyone was rooted on the spot staring at the sky.

But yesterday was different. It was like seeing those artistic bursts of light from new eyes, something both symbolic of power, richness of tradition and festivity in a nation where you are the minority.

Happy Chinese New Year people, both Malaysians and Singaporeans alike =)

working on personal stuff which i neglected sometime back...still a long way to go to get them right back on track. but I'm not giving up...

and right now gotta get back to the concept ppr for our latest project in june. tataz=)

Crushed.

Yadabladaboo=(

I hate thinking abt these things cause they have no answers and u'll just go ard beating abt the bush until u're direct with one another and there's no chance of THAT ever occuring coz well. There's a communication problem i presume.

I thought I was strong enough to not get involved in these sticky issues this sem but apparently not enough. URhhhhh only you can get urself out of the crunch and let the pain be ur elixair...I wanna shoot down all the butterflies in my stomach just to feel acid running down the sides..

In this mood I just hate those perfect people in perfect relationships running along living their perfect lives. *no offense whatsoever to those perfect people running their perfect lives*

Focus. Focus. Either than or learn to multi task.

Oh shucks I totally don't know what to do...feeling a million butterflies in my tummy right now, never saw this coming..

nice quote!

creation
I am a choreographer. A choreographer is a poet. I do not create. God creates. I assemble, and I will steal from everywhere to do it.

-George Balanchine

We have so many tools to work with when we create, and one of them is our intelligence. We get an idea, and that is the spark that sends our creativity into play. We figure out how to get something done, how we can make something better, more efficient, more productive, or more beautiful.

-Lissa Coffey

I finally did what I've been wanting to do for so long!!! ANd it turned out alright!!! *wheee*

Been meeting up with old acquaintances and friends. Thanks gurls for making it all worthwhile..things will get better and be like as before.:) To everyone I met over the past weekend; it was FUN meeting up with u again!! hehe..my rg frens, tpjc frens and some nus peeps...

and the worse promise to break is a promise to yourself...:( *boo*

Dialecticism

Finally realise why I've been having writer's block in the past few days. (Not that I'm much of a writer.) Whenever I wanna blog it just get scared that it'll not come out the way I want it to.And finally I kinda understand why: it's coz I've not understood my purpose of writing. Of late I've just been ranting out my feelings and, through all that's have happened (all the confrontations and truth and such) maybe everything isn't so aligned together anymore.

Previously it was just a whole mess, coupled with hazy boundaries. Now it's all placed in between one another, like kuih lapis. I'm not in the right, and maybe I don't need to be...Every situation is different, every moment embraces you in a different way. Every person has their own perspectives and will never truly understand you the way you want them to no matter how hard you make believe you can make them understand. We're all just born different. There's no start to my search, and probably no end. Maybe it seems I'm not moving forward, or more than that moving backwards a million steps. But trust me when I say that I try. Maybe thus far I'm more of a talker analyser say it all but not doing anything kinda gurl. And it takes a true friend to wake me out of this walking unconsciousness.

Right now, I don't wanna say too much out loud for fear of making any more promises that I'd most likely break. But that's okay...I don't think I'm being selfish that way...What I think may not necessarily be who I am anyway...I don't subscribe to such thinking...

I really don't know what to say. To a large extent I've been brought up to live up to other people's expectations. I know it's irresponsible to see things that way, it's as though I have no control over your life.

But alright, I've come to two conclusions so far:
1) Insecurity is the root of all my problems: Friendships, ambitions, my personality, my existence, my relations with God and everything else in this world.

2) I'd stop thinking about unnecessary littlethings in life that used to bugg me SO much and focus on the more important things that really matter-which actually amount to only 4 concentric circles. =)

Thank you.

Thank you =)

Creating creativeness...

Was having a heated debate online with dayana on the similarities of some girls from a particular school.

My arguement was:

What all these girls have in common is that they are too technical. They focus too much on getting things right that they ignore what are the possibilities that they come across, other perspectives to do things, that eliminates creativity and breeds a culture where there are rigid rules for working and people are afraid to cross those rules because no one is open to it.

For example; a friend wants to study together, but the friend she wants to study with is a major slacker in that module. Instead of motivating that friend along and helping her wherever she can, she totally avoids the friend because she feels that varying from her learning style is not going to be so good for her in the end.

Her arguement was:

Girls from that school have been guided to be efficient and effective and as such avoids pitfalls where the risk is very high and venturing into it is a no-no.

Ok, fine. Nobody would want to walk straight into the lion's den. But my ideal is, what has never been done in the past may not necessarily mean it can't be done in the future. I mean who defines what makes sthg work? It's societal acceptability right? And who defines societal acceptability? US!!

Point being, the past should only act as a guide for the future, not a drawing board where the parameters have already been set.

Maybe that has been what's guiding me in recent years. That's why I'm always jumping from one thing to the next. I'm not really a plodder. More of an experimenter. But I know ppl get exasperated with me coz I never get the previous work done efficiently.
(which I do sit myself down and try to get it done sometimes!)

I'll never fully know my limits and will keep exploring them until I get tired. And I get jaded if I can't jump into sthg new from time to time. It's my adrenalin, my power, my goal...

randomness

i pledge not to be an outright bitch this semester.
ok, not that ive been one, but i can impatient at times to ppl who are really too patient towards me. You know who you are.
I must must must must not take ppl close to me for granted anymore.

Anyway, I dont really do yearly updates anymore. Since my birthday coincides with the first week of every semester 1, I tend to start anew at that period of time, so yup my resolutions are still in the running.

Anyhows, this (academic year) I'm proud to know tt the little voice inside my head has grown louder. that little voice aint so overwhelmed and moven out and exasperated by the cacaphony of voices in my head anymore.

so yeay. and i've come to realise with everything that's given to you,
God has actually tailor made your challenges, especially for you.
There's no other way to see it.
Interwoven your parchment of threads into the web of life.
Everyone, together.
But your thickness of thread (passion), your colour of thread (intention)and material (actions) are mostly determined by you.
Not that He doesn't know all that.
But ultimately, You have a choice.

I pledge to be less influenced by hedonism this year.
Hedonism. word of january 2006. hehe.

How can we find ways to make stuff interesting and fun but learn at the same time?
and my little bro shall be my experimental "rat". wee hehe..

everytime i come back from the holdays i get so swiped up by romantic ideas (its the scenery i tell you, it's so out of this world that u tend to think of alternatives) that i kinda leave the world tt im living in until i get run over by reality i lose hope so fast the nostalgia evaporates quickly.

so this time, i tried to get back to reality while hope was still there.
and i realise: that i still need time to think it over.
but hedonistic attitudes must not persist.

whee.

told u tt little voice was creeping out on me.


creepy.

Ok oh...

Ok, Dilah just tagged me with this:

Rules of the game:
1. Post 5 weird/random stuff abt yourself
2. At the end, list the names of 5 ppl who you want next to this and leave a comment "YOU ARE TAGGED" in their blogs and tell them to read your blog for rules!So here's 5 really, really weird/random stuffs:

1. The truth is, I'm really sucky at this kind of personal info divulging stuff. I mean, I can give you my opinion on lots of things, but when it comes to personal stuff like this I go...ERRRrrrrr...so yea, point is I guess I spend too much time worrying about the big stuff and real impersonal stuff to worry about myself. But I spend a lot of time with myself too. Ok, I'm confused. Maybe I just know myself too well but I don't see the point of divulging stuff to people. Ok, Aisyah, shuttup.

2. My favourite movie of all time is "Land before Time." I first watched it when I was like four. You know the dinosaur kids that got lost from their parents and had to travel as a group to the newfound place where all their family members have moved to? With all the cute little dinosaurs. I don't recall their names and why they got separated in the first place, but I know I can cry even if I watch it now. It just professes the ideal story with trust, courage, finding yourself, friendship and family all tied together. And the characters are really cute. siiiigh.

3. Thanks to my mom, who works at SIA 23.59/7, my family goes on trips every year. So far the list includes LA, California, Florida & New York, Switzerland, Germany, Holland, New Zealand, Hong Kong, San Francisco, Perth and Brisbane. So I guess you could strike up a convo with me regarding the places you've been to. Just don't sound too hard to impress.

4. Ok, that last post sounded so bitchy. I don't know why but some people write me off as a snob from first impressions. That or unjokable, sour or sad. Or maybe then, I do know why after all huh. It's the rich brat attitude I've been indoctrinated with. (oh, excuses, Aisyah) ok really, sometimes it's just a defense mechanism to get people to stay away from me when I'm not in the mood. (I guess that IS kinda bitchy...)

5. I like to pull people's toes. But they must be clean. oh, and I like massaging feet. (Not just anyone's lah. Must be people tt I like.) Like they call out to me...(help...I'm in paaaain...This person that owns me is too heavy for me...)And I guess when I massage I can feel the pain oozing out. ok, is THAT wierd enuff? hehe.

ok, watch out you!!

mars-zati-boonhian-shaz-yiting

50-50

INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Emotional face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

The Past, The Present and The Future

I used to wonder...

Why rainforests were only found in third world contries when they provide such diversity that would inspire people to care about the environment...

How some animals can be domesticated when they're counterparts actually rule the animal kingdom...

Why some people have more power to change things than others do...

What makes people change...

What brings change...

What is change...

Any maybe I'm not so confused like I was anymore. :)

Thnks Rebutia...:)

Don't ask.

Your dating personality profile: Religious - Faith matters to you. It is the foundation that you build your life upon. You trust that God has a plan for you. Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active. Intellectual - You consider your mind amongst your assets. Learning is not a chore but a constant search after wisdom and knowledge. You value education and rationality.

Your date match profile: Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life. Athletic - You aren't looking for a couch potato. You seek someone who is active and who keeps his body in top shape. Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Religious 2. Athletic 3. Intellectual 4. Big-Hearted 5. Stylish 6. Wealthy/Ambitious 7. Traditional 8. Liberal 9. Sensual 10. Adventurous

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Religious 2. Athletic 3. Big-Hearted 4. Practical 5. Intellectual 6. Traditional 7. Stylish 8. Shy 9. Conservative 10. Sensual

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

Blood runs deep...

Everyone has problems.
So quit with all the whining, Aisyah. I mean there are a million and one people in Afghanistan who are homeless, tons of kids in Africa with no parents and dying of HIV and young women in Aceh being subjected to God knows what...

Yes, yes.

But those closest to me have always had conflicting ideas of the most basic.

Dearest DeLa,

Everyone just wants you to fit in the mould. The mould our parents have designed for us. The mould they perceive their kids should be.

I know it's difficult. Especially with siblings like yours. All-accomplishing. It's rather terrorising, isn't it? To be the bottomline for comparison. To feel a sense of empathy, you turn to people worse off than you.

People who have real problems.

People who's parents have enough problems coping themselves let alone listen to their kids. People who are neglected and uncared for. The empathise better, don't they, these people with REAL problems.

But are all your problems the same?


What is it exactly that makes you think they's understand you better than your own family?

I just blame myself for not being able to explain to you the mould that's been created for us.

Truthfully, you make me question all the presumptions.

I just hope it's not too late before I find the answers and explain them to you.

Please take care of yourself.

Love,
Your anti-thesis at the moment.

Couldn't resist putting this on...

I Hope you Dance

I hope you never lose your
sense of wonder
Get your fill to eat but
always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for
granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty
handed

I hope you still feel small
when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes
I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a
fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or
dance

I hope you
dance...
I hope you
dance...

I hope you'll never fear
those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of
least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
but they're worth taking
Loving might be a mistake
but its worth making

Don't let some hurting heart leave
you bitter
If you come close to settling out
reconsider
Give the heavens more
than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out
or dance

I hope you dance...(time it's a reel-in constellation)
I hope you dance...(Always going oh so long)
(Tell me do once, as you look back you'll see,you'll wonder where those years have gone...)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance...
I hope you dance...


Heard this song last sem when I was staying in hostel and missing my family one morning. It's a very parental song:)

The Ronan Keating's version is nicer and more heart-felt coz tt's dedicated to his daughter:)

The way things are

I haven't been mugging for the last few days.

OK, OK, stop screaming at me already.

Truthfully, I only have three papers (took 2 non-examinable modules), and one of which is open book.

And yes, I am as worried as you think I should be. Somewhat.


But actually kan, KAN, I just can't get myself to concentrate on my books.

And for once I know why. I need what I study to be applied to my real life. As in, immediately, directly, what I can see before me. Or at least a reason for me to study. Cause if you tell me it's just to get that freaking A, I won't buy it. My brain will just shut down under the pressure and I'll freeze. Ok, maybe I've been spoiling it all the while, but I kinda like the way I've been living my life thus far. Searching, searching for a reason, to learn, to live. I can't live with external pressure. It has to come from within. And coz of tt, I have to make sure tt everything I learn will be applied to real life. Or rather, vice versa. With a greater cause tt I have in mind, the stuff I learn will be put into place. *phew* I'm so glad I finally let the whole world know tt.

Oh, I'm serious abt the research in the prev post. Yani!! Zati!! Dee! Sya, Su, Marlini(if u guys stumble over my blog)Ilda! Maybe we could research more into the stuff tt's in the liquids in the dog and pig and come up with a scientific answer and then can send the report in to MUIS then they can let the whole Muslim community know abt it. hehe. Well, it's a small dream :) So how abt it guys?

Barbie and her little poodle

Morning everyone!!!

Went for a walk ard the neighbourhood this morning. It's always fun to get lost and discover new passages. One day if you bother to come down to tanah merah mrt at 7.30am i'll show you ard(wherever ard means). Anyways, my goal is always to get lost and turn up in front of the pretty pink houses in the centre of the kew estate.

Okay anyhows, while walking came across this middle aged balding guy with his poodle. I mean, the dog barely came up to my calf area, but i kinda slowed my pace and watched the owner carefully, as usual. The owner glared back slightly menancingly, and I evened the stare. For a moment I felt like Rosa Parks, by not giving up the pathway to this man and his dog. (ok lah, a bit extreme, but I mean, waddaheck, it's a free country, why dont you be a gentleman and give way to me??)But I conceeded in the end.

Okay, points being:
1) Why do Muslims have to feel so threatened by the presence of a dog? I mean, all we can't do is to touch their wet areas-ie, the mouth and the genitals. The essence of the dog being an animal that deserves equal treatment as other animals is even more important. Why can't we touch it's fur (provided it's dry of saliva), pet it nicely, even play with it provided tt we clean ourselves up if we ever come into contact with the saliva or gential areas(-which would be unlikely, i mean, eww why would u go touching tt part in the first place?)

The fact is, my fren, tt we've been imbibed with a sense of fear for the animal itself since young. "Jgn dekat anjing, nanti najis"-wasn't tt what ur parents used to say? ok, they had their well-sounded concerns, but at the same time as we grew we tended to treat the dog as an animal tts subservient to reasonable treatment. I mean, imagine a grp of malay girls shrieking and making a big fuss when a tiny chihuahua walks past under the HDB block. What kind of impression does it give the owner, the people around them? That Muslims don't treat dogs very well and respect them as animals.

I think it's really to such an extent tt we need to educate these young kids at madrasahs, the issue of what's our stand towards dogs. As in, how to treat them and how to deal with them, what to do if a dog comes running up to you. (You don't shriek and run away with the dog catchin up fast behind.)I realised while trying to avoid another dog tt was coming near to me tt i didn't know how to approach it nicely. With barking dogs (tt are under restraint) its easy, just go "shhhhhhhht" like a teacher in a classroom, and if tt doesnt work, just go "oh, shuttup lurh". Trust me, they'll understand.
So what I'm suggesting is, an ethics towards dogs class. Esp coz dogs happen to be a favourite pet of other races in Singapore. I mean, this ignorance tt leads to extreme avoidance of the animal can't really be tolerated in a multi-racial society like ours right, esp since it really is an animal tt desrves equal respect as other animals.

2) What exactly is it tt Muslims can't touch (ok, the wet parts, saliva and the genitals) but why? What bacteria persists within these liquids tt are so harmful to us? Capnocytophagia canimorsus- is one bacteria found in the saliva of dogs tt can cause serious health problems (with 25% leading to death) esp if you've lost your spleen(cause ure immunocompromised and weak). Many other types of bacteria are also found in dog(as well as cat) bites.

-Predominantly a-hemolytic strep, staph sp. (which is also found in heart of pigs)
-Aerobic- Corynebact., Pasteurella mult.
-Anaerobic- Bacteroides, peptococcus, Fusobacterium
-Capnocytophagia canimorsus- GNR, splenectomy pts.
(just some names of bacteria ripped off the net, will research if i have the time)

ok, thing is pathogenic and harmful bacteria can be found everywhere and in all organisms. But for some distict reason, the bacteria and other microorganisms found in dogs and pigs as animals are strongly brought up in the Quran to prevent Muslims from being in contact with them. Above are a few, and more research still has yet to be done.

Oh and abt the man, he walked back ard and we exchanged "GOOD MORNINGS!!" hehe. Albeit a bit ultrahyper for so early in the morning. but anyway, all's well.

i love my blog

Usually when i write, it comes out all salient and peaceful. But i guess it comes after hours of pondering. so yeah, the thought process has been carefully extracted out of this posts tt i have here. Anyway, my new mission for blogging would be to tell stories tt i usually cant just tell about anyone. Ironic as it may seem, it would be a little impersonal, distant from my reality as i might see it from my own eyes, but in truth, it couldnt be even more closer to heart. :)

And yes, unlike many other blogs i havent posted a single thing on raya.

Well, raya this year was great! it was better than last year in many aspects. The spiritual aspect as well as the spirit on the day itself. And thanks to my first younger sister, who brought home a kenangan manis tt would last for many rayas to come, and made it extra unique on the day itself. Plus well, everything went as planned. And yes, I had a new tudung style which made it more special. hehe. so yea, inside out covered somewhat. :)

but have to respect my dad's request for privacy and not divulge all our family photos on my blog. somehow he's very opposed to that, no not coz of religion n he believes gurls shudden be on display, nothing like tt. But coz he's just a private person, plus he's scared of people rippin off our faces and pasting them on nude bodies. for some really distant reason. but well, as strange as tt might sound, gotta respect it. anyhows i dont really want people scrutinising every bit of my face online.

ok, gtg back to watching LOSt with ma peeps.

and oh, I wont discuss anything to do with stuff tt im doing my real life concerning people tt im not close to..hehe. so don't think u can rip anything off abt urself here!

You Lost Cause of a nice Memory

Sheila On 7


Dan

Dan...
Bila esok datang kembali
Seperti sedia kala dimana kau bisa bercanda
Dan...
Perlahan kaupun, lupakan aku
Mimpi burukmu
Dimana t'lah kutancapkan duri tajam
Kaupun menangis, menangis sedih
Maafkan aku...

Dan...
Bukan maksudku, bukan inginku
Melukaimu sadarkah kau di sini 'kupun terluka
Melupakanmu, menepikanmu
Maafkan aku

Lupakanlah/caci maki saja diriku
Bila itu bisa membuatmu kembali bersinar
Dan berpijar seperti dulu kala


I guess it wont hurt to know the truth. Or maybe it really will, come to think of it.
But whether that's possible is another issue altogether.

Someone once mentioned to me that friends are people who teach you things. And you'll remember them for life cause you carry those precious lessons that they taught so well in the past. And that's why you'll always be remembered as a good friend. For teaching me so much in the short time that I knew you. For letting me know that there are people out there who are good, kind, wholesome and brave to stand out among the anonymous faces that blend into the crowd. Someone who dares to be different cause he feels that it's the right thing to do. Someone who bothers to listen to others. Someone who taught me the true value of sharing. It's not about the latest fad or the coolest gossip, but just what you feel is right, just sharing yourself. I never really thanked you for all that. Maybe the sudden aloofness was too striking a contrast that it just turned me away.

But for all that it's worth, thank you. :)