*Pictures!*

This is how my new timetable is gonna look like...with a timetable like this, who needs a life? :)



This is all of those who came for MS Appreciates...they say a picture tells a thousand words...but I'm still trying to figure out what sarah is trying to say...haha.. thanks you all for gracing the event...hope you all enjoyed it!




This is the group of people who've I've gotten to know better over the past year...from strangers to work mates to friends:) I'll post more mushy stuff on them after AGM...when it gets full time to reminiscence...all the squabbles and fights over what we feel is most right...
yes yes...we dont exactly look the most garang (fierce) at ths moment...we still listen to different voices in our head...thus the bimbo poses cum garang poses cum hooray hooray poses...

These are some of the people under Human Enrichment secretariat 05/06...they contributed in BIIIG and smallll ways and the year has progressed so fast. NOw they're one year older already... *sobs* they all grow so faaast...



Take a look behind the scenes at the celebrations once it was over...





One of our most dedicated members who took excruciating pain to come down and make sure arabic class is alright...look at the relived look on her face now that its all over...and seems like she's got good things to be extra happy abt also..hmmm...hahaha.

When love and hate collide

ok enough of my sister *pushes her aside*

I just wish sometimes you'd really find out for yourself and decide what's best for you...instead of listening too much to your friends. Feeling lost and alone is one thing, doing what's totally wrong for you is another. I should know, I felt the same things you went through too. Albeit with less guy problems. But until u grow to know whats best, I'd keep having to keep an eye over you. I think only Dee really understands me in these things.. Being the eldest in a huge family.

I had this huge sentimental poem that I wrote in my head when I woke up, in lieu of the past few days. But come to think about it now, I feel just plain stupid. Stupid Stuupid Stuuupid.


But then again, nobody would have any idea of what I'm talking about. And I do think its nice. So here goes...

I hate the way you look at me and seem to totally understand me for who I am.

I'd rather be complexed and misunderstood, and you're not helping.

I hate the way you talk confidently about everything and anything, like you can go on for hours at a time.

It makes me feel like everyting can be alright with the world, if I only believe HARD and try.

I hate the way you seem to feel totally at ease around me.

I'm used to people keeping their distance, it keeps us both from getting potentially hurt.

I hate the way you make me feel.

I'm not used to this.

______**********_________

Anyway, I think based on Ms universe results, the world aint ready yet for Asian beauties. But i think this year has been a record 3 in the top 20. woohoo=) but yea, japan like so totally had the right answer, and she should have been ms universe, even thou puerto rico's answer was good too. But puerto rico was gorgeous and conventionally pretty by ms universe standards.. i think latinos just have this conventional sex appeal that's so in your face. asians tend to be a bit more reserved, and i'm glad. hehe. ms japan had that individualist flavour going for her that's not really asian...

and their national constumes and evening gowns are SO pretty! My favourite: trinidad and tobago. Any gurl would feel goorgeous just wearing that dress.

Time now is 1115am on Wed, 19th June. in the office.
I'm so balled up right now i can just blow. this is nothing personal towards anyone, but i need to let this all out.

see, my sister brought home two of her friends on saturday night. that, i don't mind. but the thing is, she brought them home at TWO freaking am in the morning, without any warning whatsoever that she'll even be back late what more letting two other girls in the house, and she wasn't even respectful about it, happily saying HI! brightly to me as though it was the most common thing in the world. I got freaking pissed. I mean, you don't even respect my parents enough to call, to let them know that you're coming home late, secondly and more importantly, that you're bringing friends over, thirdly, that they happen to want to sleep over, and that's not on their own accord, but on YOUR invitation, as though our house is a free come and go girl's shelter, and fourthly, you have the CHEEEK to kick me out of OUR room the following 2 nights after that just because you and your freaking friend wants to use MY bed. like helloe??? hospitality to your friend, yes, but at the expense of your two sisters?? that was OUR bed for heaven's sakes! how do you expect us to graciously welcome your friend when you automatically ASSUME, without even asking nicely or respecting our need for SOME sorta decorum or privacy, that we'd give up our bed to TOTAL strangers? You didn't even introduce your friend, albeit at two am on the first day, or the next day when all three of you woke up at twelve, when half the house were already up and running and out of the house. Aper nie, rumah kau sendiri ker per?

I'm just so freaking pissed at my sister. And this brings up two points:

1. I'm generalising now. Sometimes, I just feel that with so much wealth, our moral boundaries become blurred. we feel like the world owes us something, we feel like we can have anything we'd want at the blink of an eye. Beyond that, we EXPECT a greater sense of respect and importance from others. my point is, just because you're rich, doesn't make you of greater importance that others who have less. And this is where it gets sticky. Simply because that's the way the world works. And i'm feeling real disgusted about it. Just because you're born into a world of wealth, where assumptions are the right, approved by societals norms, it gives you the greater edge than others to be confident of what you believe in, of what you perceive. So the stronger the perception of the perceiver, and the weaker the perception of the one being perceived, the more realistic that perception would become something normal to everyone.

Like the Arabs being rich and exclusive for example. Like please. *rolls eyes* Sometimes I just feel sick by the way some Arabs are SOOO proud of their heritage and place it above others, like some sorta exclusive tribe, with days of glory from yesteryear. Open your eyes and look at the situation now. My dad's half Arab, btw, so like, I'm criticising myself too, ok?

2. I'm confused towards my attitude for this people-the people that my sis brought home. Like, ok, I'm giving up my bed for this girl who doesn't have a decent bed to sleep in back home. She's stressed up with family problems and was at her breaking point already after holding it in for 7 years. So like, my sister has by default made me do a good thing. But like, why do i feel like I've lost some form of sense of self-respect?

Eurgh.

Now that I"ve let that all out, I feel so much better. anyway, came home early yesterday and reclaimed my bed back. The rest of us siblings locked her out of the room instead and destressed ourselves singing our lungs out and shioking sendiri with exaggerated expressions, and of course the usual feet massages. So yes, I had my bed back yesterday. And a good talk with my parents on everything that's pissifying in the house.

Cakaplah aper kau nak, aku dah tak perduli ah org2 berbuih macam kau.

Frankly, I do learn a lot from my sister.

Our fights keep my pondering healthily about my status quo.

i am one confused soul at this point in time. Like TOTALLY, Urgh.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. But what if there's like totally nothing in the first place?

Then that's called Shiok sendiri, kak.

Aheh heh..

uhuh eh.

***bangs head against the wall***

i know i haven't been updating many meaningful posts ever since last month, haven't really gotten the time to post thoughtful stuffs since ive been coming home late many2 and well...somestuffs at home aint really gg that smooth. but anyhows, i seriously miss all of those people that i used to hang ard dude. like totally serious. so if i happen to call you PICK UP OK! coz it's time to chill out soooooon! cya guys ard. i won't know when i'll be back.

Nice!
Standing for what you believe in regardless of the odds against you,and the pressure that tears at your resistance...

is Courage.
Keeping a smile on your face when inside you feel like dying,for the sake of supporting others...

is Strength.
Stopping at nothing and doing what's in yourheart that you know is right...

is Determination.
Doing more than is expected, to make another's life a little more bearable,without uttering a single complaint...

is Compassion.
Helping a friend in need, no matter the time or effort,to the best of your ability...

is Loyalty.
Holding your head high
And being the best you know you can be when lifeseems to fall apart at your feet,Facing each difficulty with the confidence thattime will bring you better tomorrows,And never giving up......
is Confidence.

Hold your head high and make your life better every day!

Solid
While trying to find songs to suit the background of a presentation I'm doing for a Fatwa video for the Mobile Van(I know, how hard can it get to find a song that goes with slides on Fatwa), I came across this.

She's got solid vocals man. Gosh I wish I could sing like her, then I'd go waheeda style and perform. hahax.=)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dC7dJYNS58

Yesterday spent the night overnighting in school due to a late meeting at YIH...last minute decided to stayover in school...which was a right decision cause the girls, minus the unsolatables had a "Qiyyam" session dishing out personal stuffs, and after subuh we had a "kuliah subuh" that really really moved me, led by Anah...

THis holidays are churning out more poignant and meaningful moments than expected, and I really hope the lessons learnt will never be forgotten...ever. =)

Past, Present and Future

Week before and weekend was fruitful but exhausting. Thus I'm taking a break from work today. Envisioning process during the camp was good. I guess writing down what I've always known on paper and sharing it did wonders in some ways. Some things are still a blur, but for those that I can at least depend on, its a step forward.

I wanna work with MOH, have a huge house with a swimming pool, and be rich enough to bring my family overseas at least once every two years. I wanna let my family see the beauty of other cultures and appreciate differences as a part of who we are. I want them to be thankful for life in Singapore.

Music Videos Lake Michigan Real Estate Nashville Homes

bit of nostalgia for those days..they're back! hehe. Sha was crazy over nicky back then..and she still is! I liked brian...and then kian...haha old sch days :) Remember the times on the train we'd be singing Westlife songs together like totally self-indulgent kids and embarrassing people with us along the way home..hehehe...
And Norsha was crazy over 911 in sec1! Lee Brennen was so cute. I really liked the casper song.

I know this post won't really mean much to anyone...but well, to me and to some of my friends at least, boybands do rock. haha =)

Jgn Ambik Baju Kakak!

The previous post wasn't to undermine our Malay/Muslim leaders, it was simply to propose an alternative viewpoint to the mainstream one I've been subjected to so far. At this level, it's just not enough that we simply react passively to any form of information that we come across. The article just serves to articulate an alternative voice from an individual that's unhappy with the community's political leaders. Maybe he's got points of his own and he's got the right to speak his mind.

However, as Muslims, we can't judge someone's intentions by their superficial actions and generalise their actions to superimpose a negative identity upon them. This goes towards both parties involved.

Realistically, all we could possibly do is to do something within our own means, whether it might be as an individual or as a group of friends.

And usually, it's really something that goes beyond what you've thought of, if you ponder along creative lines well enough.

:)

---***---

I've been having wierd dreams of late, the latest one being my sister taking away all my clothes and putting them aside close to a Kedai Mama shop near my Nenek's house. And the Mama was breeding several types of pets that include hamsters, rabbits and guinea pigs that have all escaped from their cages when I came down to retrieve my clothes.

I think that stemmed from my fear of my sister intruding into my personal space now that she's all growing up so fast. Plus a certain loss of the familiar now that so many things have changed around me in the past few months. And maybe something to do with animal rights for freedom too.

__***__
This morning was funny with me and my youngest sister waking up together and both of us dragging ourselves out of bed to watch the Netherlands vs Argentina match. (Which kinda rocked, btw). At the risk of sounding like a real amateur, I think the way they played was gorgeous, the pace was so fast! But somehow the ability to shoot a goal within such stress and pressure got to the players and none of the shots on target goaled. I was rooting for the underdogs, and since Netherlands possessed the ball for most of the first half, I wanted Argentina to win..but the Netherlands defence proved unpenetrable, like they were playing netball or sthg, the way every Argentinian striker was marked so well. Just minus the hands being splayed all over the faces of the Argentinian players like netballers usually do.
The funniest thing was both of us fell asleep during half time and woke up when the match was close to over. And that our soccer crazy brother was fast asleep in his own bed. My sister even called up her friends to make sure they were awake to watch the match. haha.


The World Cup makes girls do wierd things :)

http://www.sfdonline.org/Link%20Pages/Link%20Folders/03Pf/Malay_leadership.html

Now I'm confused as to what our leaders really do.

A Worthwhile Read
Today I'd like to share with you something that's been mesmerising me for weeks...

The truth is, lately it seems like reading the Quran has been a ritual and I don't even understand what I'm reading in the first place cause I only know uberbasic arabic, so the habit becomes really bland..and admittedly, my drive to read it consistently just wanes into like sparse moments, between the last (late) prayer and the next Azan, just to kill time..

But this guy makes translations into english such an easy read and even enjoyable. Take for example the simple Alif, Lam, Mim at the start of surah Al-Baqarah..and a few other surahs following it, he explains it in an Appendix at the end of Al-Baqarah:

"Certain surahs have an initial prefix to them, which are called the "Abbreviated Letters". A number of conjectures have been made as to their meaning. Opinions are divided as to the exact meaning of each particular letter or combination of letters, and it is agreed that only Allah knows its exact meaning.
Their presence is not inconsistent with the character of the Quran as a "plain book". The book of nature is also a plain book, but how few can fully understand it? Everyone can get out of the Quran plain guidance for his life according to his capacity for spiritual understanding. As his capacity grows, so will his understanding grow. The whole book is a record for all time. It must necessarily contain truths that only gradually unfold themselves to humanity. "

He then goes on to describe the phonetics of the arabic alphabet and the different combinations and its meanings.

Anyway the copy that I have looks like this:

The Holy Quran, Text, Translation and Commentary; the latter two configured by 'Abdullah Yusuf 'Ali.

Every surah has an introduction to its general meaning and to emphasize the situational context in which it was sent, so people won't misunderstand some laws in a totally radical and abstract context...

And so today my parents were inspired to take the family out for an outing. Since my older younger brother is running somewhere in the jungles of jurong west and my older younger sister has some kind of magnetic pull that attaches her to the bed and renders her unmovable until 2pm at least, that left 3 kids and 2 enthusiastic adults. Guess where we went!



And so it was a suuper relaxed day getting lost in the jungles of macRitchie and together reading aloud every single board that met us along the way. We saw turtles, tiny fishes swimming against a mini current, and several apparent ancestors of ours.


And at the end of the walk, we realised we weren't even close to reaching the tree top trail! Which means another family outing! yay!

And now I am inspired to set the AMAZON Rainforests as my ideal holiday destionation:)

a big thank you to all the little girls who brought a dash of meaning to my life..

Whee~* Just came back from a tweens camp, and aside organisational gitches and what nots, it was a camp worth remembering. There were good moments and those that really touched the heart. I guess what would be most relevant to those reading this would be teaching..I think I'm rather good at it cause of my big family and someone's always in need of an adhoc tuition teacher, my cousins and such, and so I kinda have experience and the mindset and I absolutely ADORE primary school kids-they're so malleable such that you can be sure you'll be able to leave an imprint in their lives-but I just feel that it's just not fulfilling enough to achieve my bigger dreams..

It's amazing that when you aim to give, you actually learn and receive so much back in return.

And for the last time, I have come to realise that we're moving so fast in different directions that we've just crossed the point of no return. But come what may, a true friendship will be able to withstand time and tribulations.

Sentiments at the mo:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3jUu8kd1a8 - High by Lighthouse family

Baby pics!!

Went to school today to return books and read up some...

And might as well scan in some baby pics..hehe pardon the sense of narcissim for a while ;)







Bliss with love...but now the tables have turned...

:)

And i just wonder how many more girls have to be hurt before you decide to settle down my dear friend...

I wish I'd never have to see your face again.
Apparently the inert folds i didn't realise I kept my heart in melted into an abyss I never knew existed.

Please stay away.

If it makes you happy...

I hate to be a prick at the moment, but some things have really been bugging me and I just have to let it rant here.

When you ridicule someone's looks on your blog, it's just plain hurting.

When you ridicule someone's integrity and background, it's just plain L.O.W.

Why am I making such a big fuss over this? Simple.

Everyone has their own circle of influence. No matter how small, or wide, depending on your personal charm basically. And whatever you do has an influence on someone else. You're pretty simply because those around you are plainer than you by societal norms. You're large simply because people around you are smaller in size. My point is, whatever you do or say has an impact on at least one person, whether you intend to or not. We don't live in a vaccuum, dammit.

I just can't believe how irresponsible and insensitive people can be in their comments just to simply prove their point. If one person has been irresponsible enough to do something bad to you, you should react merely to prevent yourself from getting affected anymore. You don't do anything to aggrevate the situation just simply to prove you're superior morally or intellectually or whatever else that defines you as a person. Nobody truly confident would ever resort to throwing insults at someone else.

-***-
I guess I somehow figured there are more important things to life than what I'm mulling about right now. The question I asked about a year ago has been answered. I don't have to chase the high road just to be happy. I'm not a competitive person by nature. I'm contented when I'm connected to people.

-***-

All there is to life has already been written for you. There'll be life after death, and all of us would enter either Jannah or Hellfire. The only thing that would bring you closer to Jannah if your destiny is otherwise, would be good deeds.

This sums up basically what I'm feeling right now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbBQAIgAEGU

values all at the end of it

aks i think i fall in and out of love too easily. Hrm, big word. too big.

Anyway darlings, have to update! ok first up, yesterday's shopping trip..which was a good blast! i need a new concept for this year. last year was dresses..wore at least one per week all thanks to my lovely mom who bought me four dresses on mah birthday! and i got one fabulous one thanks to four deasome ppl who bought me one! yay! love it love it..so anyway, i still have not figured out a new concept yet. it's got to be feminine, and fresh. hrmpf.

next:

spot ten differences in this picture ;)
.
.
.
.
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thank you for participating. now you've moved on to the miserable camp who concedes that Aisyah and Tuty do NOT look alike.

hehe i really don't know what to expect next from my friendship with this babe. Only God knows how many times we've squabbled and stepped on each other's toes and made up everytime we have to work together, or simply discussing about what we'd want out of MS and its members. All the virtual screaming and passionate debates saved in email form...haha I'm gonna cry when I re-read those next sem.

You know how MUIS somehow reminds me of The Ministry of Magic. yes yes, the Harry Potter one. It's not about what they do of course, it's more of the culture, and the ambience of the place. Went down there on MOnday with Kak Aishah and Ridhwan to settle admin details for the internship programme with MUIS. Anyway, lets state the ways (shall I compare thee to a Summer's Day style..hehehe)...

1. The headquarters. You know how in Harry Potter, it's always stuck in between muggle buildings and there's like some secret pathway to get there? Well, the MUIS headquarters reminds me of something like that. It's not exactly secretive, but its beside an expressway, and it's kind easy to get lost on the way there.

2. The structure of the organisation. The Ministry of Magic had like Ministry of Muggle affairs which deals with external public affairs dealing with non-Muslims, and also MUIS has an asset managements cluster which reminds me of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures..I mean, the assets they're talking about are different...but still...

It's definitely similarities in minority organisations...only MOM has more control and say about what's actually legalised in the wizarding community, while MUIS mostly enforces guidelines, but doesn't have the power to enforce them on MUslims in SinGapore...

3. The spirit of the people, there's just a one united feeling..like they're bonded in some way. Internally driven and even if they look haggard from all the work they do, there's a certain sense of positive vibrancy. The place kinda buzzes with a quiet electricity.

All in all, I think MUIS is getting really cool to reach out to the community nowadays..haha

And X Men 3 rocks my yellow toe socks! I loved the whole sacrifice for a bigger cause all the characters had to make in the end, and the speech someone gave somewhere in the middle made me tear badly. I think it was the best movie I've seen since Land BEfore Time. You know the one where the baby dinosaurs found their way to their parents back at the end.

Been crying internally cause of my results. I keep rattling back and forth back and forth. I see the big picture, but I'm unsure of the steps on how to get there for now. What do I do these next few years would be decided upon these next few weeks. Crossroads, but well, ain't every moment one too if you let it be?

The Window ShopperRandom'>http://www.okcupid.com/personality?type=RGLD&g=2&o=1&h=167#">Random Gentle' g="2&o=" h="167#">Gentle'>http://www.okcupid.com/personality?type=RGLD&g=2&o=1&h=167#">Gentle

The Window ShopperRandom Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDf)
Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper. You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come. Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns. Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.
BEWARE: The Hornivore
CONSIDER: The Gentleman, The Loverboy

its a fact. i suck when it comes to huge chunks of memorisation. lousy.

Pause.

Have you ever felt like you had everything you needed but never what you wanted? I know the simplest thing to do would be to be thankful and move on with what you have, but I'm reflecting here, not exactly deciding what I'd like to do with my life at this moment in time, so please some breathing space would be really cool.

It's like I've got everything to be thankful for, but not exactly what makes me happy.

But then, that means the basics are in place, and so...

there's nothing exactly to be complaining about right?!

-A peaceful break of unhappiness-

Addicted exhibitionist

THat's It! I'm gettInG mY OWN pictures from noW on!! This is SO mucH fuN! hehe

Close your eyes.

You're now transported to a rolling unflattened world blanketed in white, peppered with slivers of black marking snow melted on black rock. The train you're in barrels on at unparralled speed to any other locomotive sevice in the continent as the fresh air outside whisks by with bits of flakes hit against the window, a temporary assault before melting into obscurity with other snowflakes. Inside you're in the bliss of comfort, snuggled up safe and warm, the aroma of sweet hot tea in the air, biscuits being passed around, the warmth of family.

You watch the surrounding mountainside with a mixture of awe and engagement. Awe at the power of He who created the movement of rock that peaked into mountains that lay beneath a magnificent endless range of pure white. Non-duplicable by mankind, but however providing us with a consistent sense and avenue for scientific enquiry and endeavour. Yet over time we understand we will never be able to even come close to understanding the totality of knowledge embedded within what lies before us.

You rake your eyes over the endless range, white-tipped peaks as far as the eyes can see, trying to take in everything with your naked eye, but you understand that you really can't commit it all to photographic memory. The most you can do is to paint a picture in your minds eye and have confidence that it will last you for a lifetime. You feel small and inconsequential, as you understand that these mountains have been lying here ever since the many peoples that came before you, you feel...time is an adage that is unprecedented and created by the Controller, Who looks into you as a miniscular part of the big picture.

At that point in time, you're overwhelmed with the sheer magnitude of power and grace contained within these alps,


the struggle of mankind to conquer what's imaginable to his mind as the train moves slinking its way further up the mountains,



and the possible inconsequentiality of your time on this Earth.

Not meant towards anyone

The potential ways in which an INFP can irritate others include:

1. being idealistic
2. appearing out of touch, perhaps not fully recognising current realities, and disregarding those they find unacceptable (not really.)
3. being stubborn over issues the group did not anticipate being a problem (nah. they see it as a problem alright.)
4. spending too much time thinking
5. avoiding conflict and not giving forthright criticism when it is needed (don't think this is a problem.)
6. focusing so much on interpersonal issues that cost and other impersonal considerations are not adequately discussed

Personal Growth
As with all types, the INFP can achieve personal growth by developing all functions that are not fully developed, through actions such as:
1. being prepared to declare the INFP's personal values
2. investigating and recognising the facts before interpreting what they mean (i do this too fast i think. but according to what i'd want to believe, which is my major problem right now.)
3. listing options and undertaking a formal process of evaluation against criteria, including a cost benefit analysis
4. undertaking a critical appraisal of a situation or person, and expressing disagreement or criticism when it could be of value to the recipient ( i don't think they'll like it dude.)
5. focusing on impersonal details during discussions and when making decisions
listing options and undertaking a formal process of evaluation against criteria, including a cost benefit analysis
6. establishing a long term goal, preparing a detailed implementation plan, and sticking to it (applies to personal life.)

Editted from: http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/mb-types/infp.htm

ok!

OK! after re reading my blog I have decided that I need to work on two things for now! number one! errr long term goal setting and a detailed way to get to it! sticking to it! number two! relationship building! like trusting people for one! erm, building friendships! hic. i'm damn high right now hic!

There's a way to take in criticisms gracefully. Unfortunately, I've got to master that yet. To realise you can do so much better, when viewed from other perspectives. Really shouldn't take it in a "hey! you're stepping on my toes" kinda way.

Had a good chilling time with Fahira and Adila Mohc yesterday, caught Fezhah's play.
Highlights:
1. I'm an INFJ, Fahira's an ENFP and Adila's an INTJ. Thus me and fahira will be of the likes of Matmaha Ghandi while Adila will be a future Librarian. hehe ;)

2. Met Su and Sya after the play.
Me: Hey peeps, this is my cousin, Fahira.
They take one look: "COusin?!"
And i was like...(abit paiseh at the commotion): "second cousin lah"...
HAHA expected...really shouldn't judge a person by the company she keeps nor her outlook man...but i guess its typical first impressions huh...

3. Anyway coming out from the play, I guess you can say you'd never really really understand what someone else is going through, cause you never know the circumstances...It's not only about strength of someone being able to get out of "shit" in life that one goes through, though in most cases it does boil down to that (and this is easily said but not done)..And well, they do realise they're kinda screwed up, its just that basically, it takes a LOT to get out of the mess. And at the end of it all, where does it lead you to go, when everyone of you is doing the same things? What's one's direction after that? Judging someone just doesn't help, the least you could do is understand, or at least try to. SO many issues, pretty deep, though the first one was too sexed up for my liking. hahaha.

I've got to quit my late coming habit man.


Time will allow some things to happen when you feel the time is ripe. Just don't think now's the time, and I wouldn't wanna get myself into a fix. The day will come when I can look at you straight in the eyes and see what I wanna see, as it is within you and what I see reflected back at me.

*smile!*

huphup

okay so I'm here just to cool my mind off things, so bear with me okays. Actually i wanted to blog abt my sibs and just how different we all are which ties in to why i just feel connected to some people even they're unlike me on the outside. thus, good is gradable, so is righteousness, humility, friendliness and freshness of perception. Has been a tiring week even though its only Tuesday. I so need a catch up break. At least going swimming tmr with marls will rock, hopefully.

free enneagram test


free enneagram test

i figured i'm a 5 when i'm pressurised and a 3 when things are good.

bummed the whole day tdy feeling a tad depressed
been postponing going to the docs for a week alr
so being unemployed, sick and lonely does not reside well
thus the need for the song...for everyone who is feeling blue
at any moment in time
whether you're gay, a cross-dresser or anorexic
Chirstina Aguilera and many other people care for you

ok anyway
talking to sha made me feel a tad better
haha nowadays we always end up in a heated discussion
over big things like getting to know her cousin
or whether business is about money or service to others(it's abt both ok!!)
the other day my dad was asking me why i was quarrelling with dee over the phone
i was like "huh?! since when?!" actually he overheard me talking to sha
and it's nothing somehow i realise it's the way we discuss things now
HAHA i love friends who grow with you..

and as i see the beautiful friendships ard me develop i'm thankful that there's just some things that can always be counted on...=)

Pushing on...

Yeowch. Got rejected by IBN. I guess it kinda woke me up and makes things not so easy anymore. If i really wanna take this industry seriously, well, it definitely won't come easy. So what's next? Hrm.

Apart from that, diyanah has been exposing me to her business, and i admit, even though it's really interesting and what i'd like to be exposed to i'm not sure i'd wanna commit wholeheartedly to it. The plans, strategies, culture its all there. But I really wanna commit myself to other things. Such as the industry closer related to my studies as stated above. but i think the admin lady was just falling out of her seat laughing at my grades. oh wells. just have to get over that image in my head for now.

MS meeting just now was alright, though i wish some things had just been mentioned much ealier, and well, let's just say it's an uphill task to rebuild it again..even though we never really saw it fall..over the years. I know some people think i'm crazy to be doing this task and dedicating so much time to something that maybe there's no reaping of benefits. But i suppose for me, it's something close to heart..almost like family. Well, it is like family actually, coz i guess my parents' generation benefitted from it and they way i see them (their whole bunch of frens) today is the way i'd want to see us grow and bring changes to the community at large. I see it as a chance to well, make a difference. And i definitely won't wanna make it small.

And also maybe community work is just me. I just can't work evolving around what I want, but more of what people around me want too. A people pleaser of sorts. And I can see the benefits coming out of it. And i don't find it a waste of time.

Bonding sessions with sibs, tuition and reading while travelling takes up the rest of my time so far this week. yupps.

Sorry PM Lee...

It's not you, it's us Singaporeans. You speak of equality for all, why shouldn't that opportunity be extended to the political arena too? I'm glad ure happy with the 65% though.

it's times like these, I'M PROUD TO BE A SINGAPOREAN!! The votes came out really well. I LOVE ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO VOTED!! YOU'RE ALL DAMN COOL! Just the right amount to give PM Lee a mandate, while giving support to the opposition such that they'll gain confidence from the young for their cause. Juuust right. :)

And so anyway. I kinda split myself up into two today to talk to myself about the issue in my previous post. One emo side and one rationale side. And it's all settled...basically something about not expecting too much out of people, even thought they may really be able to give to you what you want, they may not choose to do so cause of...i don't know. So wells, and i figured i only wanted anything cause i wanted to understand myself better. and so, i don't hate anyone, but i still don't understand, but it's ok, that's why i'm human aren't i?

blissfully holiday'ed already:):)

bitch

im feeling really bitchy right now and exasperated at..im not even sure what. before you try and prescribe something as though you know whats going on, trust me, you don't even have a clue to it cause it has no relation to anything that has happened recently, so give up already.

i just don't understand why some people find it so hard to just be direct and be honest. i mean i figured this one out but i can just tell that you mean another, i think i can read people quite well and the signals that are sent are so mixed up i swear i feel like im out of orbit getting signals from different galaxies of aliens that are confused as to whether they'd wanna be found. im freaking sick, and hurt, and disgusted. but the thing is im not even sure what this culminates to. so you know what? for once in my life, im gonna set it aside and pretend i dont care. but the problem is..its been bugging me for quite some time already.

i dont understand you.

therefore, i shall prefer to hate you.

revelation of an over-exercised mind

Ola Ola~* ok, so my intention for writing this is to get more peooople in to the stuff that I'd be doing these hols. See, two days of bumming is real good, but I can't take it any longer. I need to make this hols as meaningful as they can get. It's gonna be my last uni hols anyways before I hit the job market.

So i made a list in the midst of playing sudokou haha

1. Learn how to cook from my grandma, grandaunts, mom and aunts..especially arab dishes...plus sharing a load in the cooking and cleaning of this place...phasing out the maid already...heh...5 grown up kids leh!

2. science research internship..i hope i do get it, thou the chances of getting it are pretty slim...hrm...but the ideas would be to really define what i wanna do in this field..it's always been a vague idea and i don't think that works with me anymore, need to see sthg more concrete in the near future soon...

3. ok to get fit, great exercise and actually learn something practical i wanna do some form of water sports, aishah suggested wakeboarding which sounds cool, but right now i'm missing canoeing. but i wanna try deep sea diving someday..so probably gonna try that out first. anyone wanna join?:) plus morning jogs in the east, got a partner in junie and dee, but no training schedule planned out yet.

4. some business venture with a new pioneering company, yes, it's something like network marketing and i think network marketing the idea is there seh but its the way the people carry it out that is most important. Money being the most important factor is SUCH a turn off. but i think i wanna use this as just a spring board to bounce off ideas with.

5. MS MSA+ internship + reading circles +*****+ etc etc etc.. last bit before we step down!!

6. reading at least half of the books in the house and borrowing from the library every week

7. catching up with people (yayyayYAY finally time for this)

8. tuition and some other personal stuff to work towards to...

so yup yup!

anyways, i was kinda figuring out the profile of people who actually anonymously did my johari's window and this is what i came up with:
observer is someone who I have known for quite some time but barely talk to (cause otherwise you'd find me mature or idealistic, haha). Probably a guy (cause I don't think I'm shy around girls, duh) and hangs around in big groups, cause I'm much quieter in big groups(introverted). I'm not sure if the self-conscious part comes from reading people really well or from what people tell him, cause most of the other people mentioned it cause I mentioned something to them about insecurities and stuff before, and so it doesn't tally with what i think of this person being a bit distant from me. Emphasizes on the way one socialises.

zombie is probably a girl whom either I've worked with before (which explains independent and organised) and is pretty open (explains matured and reflective) with or reads my blog alot. Definitely someone I've talked to quite a decent amout, of my batch or a senior. Probably got to know me only in recent times, uni days. Emphasizes on the way one thinks, so probably a science student, and judges people fairly, ie doesn't like to gossip around.

Hehe. so do you think that's a fair attempt at reading people well? hiak hiakz.

gash

oh bad bad bad its like 4am and ive been online for like 5 hrs...just random chatting and i actually surfed friendster for once..geez..haha..

tdy was great..woke up late without anything to do then had lunch with diyanah jailani..was just thinking of all my batchmates she's the one that has changed the least. but to say that would be unjustifiable to the change she's been through herself...which she has..a stronger and more determined babe. but she's just been a solid rock since like ages ago when i knew her dependable i guess would be the word to use..and she mentioned abt some unexplicable thing we did in sec 2 hahaha. we went thru the entire class list just commenting on how attractive this person was or like the type of pretty and such. like how brainless right? and i couldnt remember..dammit...what a miss at a potential treasured memory...

on a deeper note sthg kinda resonated in me:
when will i ever treasure the people who really believe they mean something to me...but then again how much will you really know what you mean to someone else?
so many times..

and i saw my pri sch frens meeting up on a frenster pic...like 14 yrs between them...yes azura..in case ure reading this its tt guy shaik was talking abt..hehe..man i just stared at the pic of them blatantly making faces at the camera and was amazed at how ppl can just open up...and get hurt anyways....
so yea theme for the hols!!! to open up and get hurt? heh heh

anyways tmr will be a long day...akkkkkksss but its way past my bedtime!! come to think of it so will the weekend...and the week after...

and to think i came online just to complete my ibn application form...akkkz

bum bum bum

i have realised that...if one doesn't have feelings for someone, nothing in the whole world can force that. unless you're rationale enough to believe your feelings are less important than practicality. which like not many ppl are as noble as that. but i hope this changes as i grow older. i dun wanna be so superficial. haha, oh wdheck.

anyway! it's OVER! OVER OVER! *does the sunshine dance* i just superhope can pass everything. like all i need right now is to just do at least least lllleeeeeeaaaast that. esp for my major mods, which are totally killing me this sem. and last. and the sem before that. urgh...

totally bumming session with marls, yunni, zaty, susu and syasya tdy after ppr! it was hot to bum after SO totally long. like gazillions of light years ago did i bum as much. took a stroll towards esplanade after dinner at siam kitchen...weather was gorgeous-haha su's fav word for everyone!-and unfortunately we had to destroy the atmosphere for all the loving couples there. and there was this bunch of ang mohs that actually STOPPED and stared at us taking photos. but the best part was just...i don't know.... like not worrying about anything. living for the moment and momentarily letting everything pass as it is. i think it's called "relax" by most people. that was fun. haha.

mills of things to do for now. but the first most urgent thang is ...to READ!!!!=)

eeeks!

eeks! 28 hrs to my last paper and 30 hrs to freedom!!

went jogging this morning! more of like strolling and walking down bedok rise, towards dee's block, called her a dozen times(ok, twice) and msged but no amt of bombardment can awaken that gurl if she decides to sleep thru the morning...went under her window (she lives on the 2nd floor so i could have started throwing stones if I wanted to) and stared thru it and the vibes were more towards "leave me alone! I'm not for jogging this morning!" so well...rather lonely walked all the way down the backyards of siglap (I found a new back alley!!) towards bedok jetty and then all the way down to macs coz i was craving for macs breakfast...and unfortunately could only afford a meagre sausage mcmuffin..pathetic breakfast...then as I was jumping happily on the way back I tripped and sprained my ankle!! and scabbed my knee on the other leg. so went home with slightly torn pants and a throbbing ankle.

so that was my morning. i think i need to find a new bedok fren to hooray hooray on mornings in case dee can't make it. or we can all hooray hooray together. problem is, the closest person i can think of is marlini who's nursing an injured knee in pasir ris, or sha...who has a hubby cum exercise parner and yani...who...prefers upper class gymming and doesn't like to run.

SO ANYWAY!

1) Been watching too many reality shows!! American Idol: totally rooting for elliot even thou chris and katherine will be the top two. Elliot's just sooooo honest. hehe. Anugerah skrin: love the format of the show. thou i think it lacks publicity off suria (the official website is like uberbasic), and the contestants should be confident enough at this level to practise on their own tonnes of times and have backup of what to say. but their efforts are commendable i guess, bet if i was up there, i'd be stuttering 3 worded sentences...hope they can show their mettle and improve for the next few episodes thou..

2) I am so in awe and enormously grateful to my kind kind cell bio prof who can simple allow his students to msg him at all times of the day!!! i bet he'd reply a question on GPCR signalling even at 3 am in the morning!! now THAT's what i call a true educator. one who never says no to students who wanna learn more.. meeting him at 330 l8r for some last minute concept revisions that i just can't get...

3) Can't wait for exams to be over!! 27.5 hrs!!!! Then I can finally go to a rally and cheer for the opposition!! haha. ok lah, they still put up a good fight right even thou no novel ideas have come up yet to really take them seriously. I mean "You have a choice"...sure, technically i do. But realistically, an alternative voice should come with alternative novel solutions that are on par with PAP standards that are able to convice the people that that's a better route. So until then, no harm supporting for the underdogs right? =)

4) I need to study!!!! 27.4 hrs!!!!

fast

first two papers were okay, three more to go. was ok actually...would like to give credit to siti aisyah for actually studying for her exams this time around. but still, I can't wait for this sem to be simply OVER. In fact, I can't wait for everything to be over so that I can just drop and run away. Just let go of the bonds that tie my hands down. Just simply to let go and break free.

I admire people who can see the goodness in others.

and to each, it's own. all that i write simply pertains to MY life. I don't seek to impose. I'm only criticising my own life. So bear with me ya.

can't wait can't wait can't wait...

Of Singlehood

So all this talk about getting serious with someone is beginning to get to me. Like, friends saying I should get to know this guy and that. Aights, happy couples may shoot me once I'm done, but well here's my take on things.

I feel that for this moment in time it's about being you in your own skin, without being attached to anyone else. I've always taken advice from my mom who says that you should focus on yourself before looking to perfect any relationship. All relationships would have their problems anyway, and sometimes it's an endless cycle. You have more problems coming out from insecurity, of wanting to know where you stand in each others' eyes, of argueing about what you expect out of each other, you have to deal with how you compare to his past exes, it's like creating problems and worry out of something that you know you can choose to ignore completely. And my dad says people tend to end up with people who have the same traits as themselves. The whole Iffah concept. Sometimes it's so easy to take advice from them cause I do wanna look into the future and have that ideal relationship that my parents have. 23 years from the day they got married, the romance and love is still strong. They appreciate one another for what they do and are proud to express it in front of their kids. Call me a traditionalist, but some factors in their relationship would have to work still in this day and age.

I guess I've never really realised it before, but I tend to take stuff like this seriously and well...future-orientedly. And I know sometimes I may come across as being uncertain and maybe that can send mixed signals of who I really am. But I don't find it wrong to be still looking for yourself at this age, especially in this day. Why the hurry? We're not born in our grandma's age where a girl HAS to get married or she'll have no future by societal standards. Ladies have choices now. And we'd need to choose our paths wisely, especially when you have to be stronger and certain about what you want these days before people decide it for you. I'm talking generally, like career paths, education paths, who you hang out with, what you choose to do with your free time, whether you choose to support a cause, get a part-time job, etc. There's so many things to do and so little time. And I'd rather explore all options before I settle down and get tied down to someone. Sometimes I feel relationships can get a liittle self-indulgent. You know the whole "dah makan?" concept when you pick up and ask every single detail about one's day, I just can't imagine doing that to anyone. Plus I've got enough things to occupy my time. I've got to be a part-time mom/mentor figure to my 10/13/15 year old sibs when my parents are not home, long term planning for MS stuff after exams are over, trying to think of ways on how to improve general health of singaporeans especially the Malays when I graduate but figuring it out now during the hols-there's so much potential in the life science industry that's not being explored and potentially cashed upon-in terms of health standards, education of the public and business avenues, wanna be active in international organisations too-at the bottom of the page on the left are the two mains ones I wanna go into, and help the community at large. It's fun when you get to affect positive change on someone else's lives. It's not just about doing good to be a good person, so that you know you can say you've done all that.

It's not as though I've not dreamt of some ideal conconction: I'd want someone forward-looking, expressive, romantic, opinionated, intelligent, socially aware and quick-witted. Someone who can deal with problems as they come along independently, to bounce ideas off each other, and I'd wanna be independent too. I don't wanna be weak. To digress: the main common denominator in all broken marriages is that the women were dominated by men, or they weren't strong enough to hold the home together. I'd always thought kids grow up to learn their mom's values and their dad's worldview. If your dad sees you destined to be a housewife, the child will learn to realise that as her self-fulfilling prophesy. If your mom was a strong-principled woman, you'd grow up to learn a lot from her.
Also, sometimes I tend to realise ladies that are well off & married in happy homes tend to be super busy with their new lives that they don't dabble in new hobbies, or take time to learn more about the outside world. It's like a self-made cocoon once you're settled down, cause life is just about fulfilling your husband's needs. Fair enough, that's important. But...you know, being socially aware and active is important too. Every single hand and brain matters, especially in our community.

On the other hand, maybe I've just given up on any hope for now. There's a million things to catch on anyway, so why bother? And not that I'm being egoistic or anything, but I just feel self-assured that somehow in someway I'd end up with someone before alarm bells go ringing. I mean, life's not how every princess wishes it to be, and i know I lack total experience in that aspect and I do care, but somehow, I'm not worried about not being with anyone for now. Sometimes I feel people tie themselves down just to be seen as cool to be together with someone, cause it's like everyone's doing it, or to know that you have someone to depend on, when they're actually just tieing themselves down.

SO... if you're out there and single, trust me, I feel you have SO much more in life to live and give. =)

BOO!

OK! i've decided to take a break from personal stuff right now...coz i've pretty much not decided on how to take it all yet until it's all internalised, digested and absorbed by my little brain...but until then!!

1. LOST recaps
It's a total blow-by-blow account of ALL the LOST episodes that have been shown in the US, which is like 15 episodes ahead of us. 15!!! so u can imagine how much information you can get from reading this! weehehehe...Issues like: did jack and kate finally hit it off? did they find the "others"? Why did desmond actually have to press the button every 108 mins, and if he doesn't would the whole island actually explode? And while reading u can somewhat make connections to life. some things to pander abt: Pressing the button=paranoia to do something because people tell you to, and you don't wanna take the risk of not taking the right path; the tailies (those that landed on the island with the tail end of the plane) and the headies (no 2nd guesses) ending up with totally different turnouts simply cause of their environments= evolution of society due to their surroundings; the development of leadership, the issues dealing with survival, the paranoia of humans and paralells in relating their current experiences with their past experiences. WAY HOT. and somewhere read that the sound that the island makes sounds like MRI, done to scan cancer tumours, ie. some HUGE scanning machine that can trek down where everyone is. CREEPY.

2. dressupgames.com

As the title states, you can play ALL kinds of dressing up games, from dressing up to prom, to make up, to fancy dress parties, to dressing up horses, and even wierd looking creatures like rabbits (that look like playboy rabbits come to think of it) and fairies. Pure fun or for any gurl who needs help to decide on her new look this coming hols.hehehe. Mah sis afiyah/fifi/kutil introduced me to it and she's got me addicted. she's like 13 btw. and no i don't think i had a deprived childhood, but i would have serious doubts about this now that i'm addicted. ~*

was so nice so see everyone again at Ramen 10. and the food is absolutely tear jerking. definitely going back there again.

ALL THE BEST FOR EXAMS ppl! just think of the 3 months of pure bliss when its ALLLL overr............

Death

Death. Don't you just keep hearing about it all around nowadays? Someone just told me that her friend's sister died, and she was just a few years' older than us. Cause unknown yet to us, cause she's not that close to that friend.

To me, death seems to be an abstract concept. I've never lost a close loved one before. Not even a peer that I really truly knew. The last time a really close relative died, it was my arwah grandpa, my second one on my paternal side as my granny married twice, and i was young and naive enough to be more preoccupied with the cockroach stuck in the kemenyan holder than to grieve solemnly over the dead body just two metres away.

If anyone of my relatives passed away, I wouldn't know what to think or do.
But why do people have to die?
MAH THEORY:
Well it's sthg that's somewhat like the law of diminishing returns in economics. Or rather an anti-law of it. You can't have too much of a good thing otherwise you'd take it for granted.
The one who's passed on into the afterlife has no more chances in this one. i.e. GONE. KA-BAM! CLOSED ACCOUNTS, SORRY NO MORE CHECKING IN OF ACCOUNT BALANCES! The only way he can continue his good deeds would be only 3 particularly fragile ways: through his descendents, good things that come out from his wealth, and knowledge that was passed on during his lifetime.
Another simple answer would be cause God wants us living ones to realise that everything comes from Him. He will take away what He wishes and we have no say nor control over the matter.
We all have a real life ticking clock right within us, above us, around us, guiding along our lives til the very end. And at the finishing line, most of us will feel like we're not ready yet to cross over and answer all sorts of questions that hasn't really been tested in the exams we've sat for all our lives. And if we fail this exam...ahHhHHh....there's not exactly another sub-paper that you can take or another module to replace that glaring F you received.

Speaking of exams, I've finally conceeded that it's particularly impossible to get that out of reach dream I once had. Aiyah dun bluff me lah, you also had that dream when you entered NUs one. you know, that one. No need to say lah, embarassed already. SO yeah. I calculated, and i'd need an average CAP of 5.18/5 for the next three sems to even be close to it. So urh...forget theologically, intellectually, spiritually, and all other -allies, it's not even mathematically possible.

I can somewhat see a pattern in the mods I've taken and this are the stuff I kinda dig:

1. Evolution of culture/human civilisation
2. Literature (how ideas are translated and read through diff periods in history + how ppl think at that particular period)
3. Interpersonal communication
4. Management
5. General theories
6. Health and medicine
I should have started with a major in lit and maybe a minor in life science rather than trying to do the other way around.
Plus I wanna work in the social services industry, or rather have a job where i get to interact with ppl. Doing research is cool, and I really salute ppl who can do it 24/7, but counting bacterial colonies on nutrient agar plates just isnt...my plate of agar...(HAHA geddit, geddit?!) Maybe nursing is for me...found myself staring at them advertisements on the train ride home after my "intentionally on purpose getting lost session" at Orchard.
But still, the possibilities are endless. And I hate the idea of doing only ONE thing all my life. I'm a renaissance soul. Heh, read that somewhere in a book i picked up from Borders: someone who keeps doing different things, and can't settle on one particular passion...I mean there's like a million ways to save the earth, help the community, make soneone's day, and not to mention all the types of stuff i end up doing in school...new ppl to meet...the more radically different from me the more enticing they become...seriously...hehe...

SO ok, last pt...today, of all days, during one of my LSM lectures with the tutor, who's really good at explaining stuff agst the idea of mass tutorial, when half the cohort don't attend coz they either know all the answers or they haven't done it and will find it a waste of time if they attend, STHG HIT ME: These, right here, sitting and listening intently to her every single word, were all the MUGGERTOADS who would take over the entire SPECTRUM of A+, A, A-, B+, B and maybe even half of the B- ses. Okay, MUGGERTOADS is just too harsh a word. More like people who are focused, superliciously hardworking and know what they want from the day ONE, from the time they matriculated in, the time where we felt super-conscious about our wierd looking photos and during awkward moments in making frens.
In comparison, me being the starry-eyed, idealistic girl who was still searching...on what she wanted to do with her life: I was probably just a little, a little tad bit outta my league.
Maybe they just do deserve that honours degree a million times more than I do.

And now that I've finally gotten that out of my system, I feel much lighter. =)
=)

=)

omg! i just did a partial haiku by accident!! hahahahahhahaha.
sorry. im really stressed. my intellectually stimulating posts would be back very soon. meanwhile im off to tahiti with 2103.

omg another haiku!

Claching

Have you ever felt sometimes that just as everything is crystal clear and intact, it all shatters down like glass shards being broken into a thousand pieces?

Cracking, shaking, shattering, falling.

KA-CLUNK!

BOOM!BANG!BOOOSH!



Brain-dead.

The Newest Testament

5 things I've learnt in the past year:

5. My brother has the ability to communicate with me quite well. And vice versa, if i judge his moods and reactions correctly. And with that suddenly everything falls into place, and family's my second priority right now after God and personal self development. OCS family day was great! Had prata in the canteen when my sis popped the ultimate question:
Afiyah: Eh, why NS guys must cut their hair ah?
Me: So that when they crawl under the bushes then they don't get stuck there.
Afiyah: Oh later if they get stuck under the bushes then the person behind them push then their heads get cut off and remain hanging under the bushes ah? (Morbid!)
Adilah: (trying to come up with a better reason) So that they cannot keep weapons in their hair...(come to think of it isnt tt a good thing??)
Luqman: Otherwise they all become afro ppl when they go into the jungle...like in LOST...

KWANG KWANG...damn lame seh...

4. Everyone's got something that they see that others won't be able to see. Their own hidden talent. But how much you're able to express it depends on the need, the want and the will.

3. [editted]I've learnt the true meaning of friendship. It's about giving, and by chance or calculated risk, getting something back in return. Sorry if I've offended anyone in the earlier point. I guess I've got to manage how to handle certain kinds of people. But I've forgiven. Life goes on.

2. I get bored when i can't overanalyse. And i don't like being told what to do. I guess i've discovered my new control freak streak. but it's not really a control freak streak. it's more like an idealistic version of a control freak streak, so until i can find a proper name to term it i shall call it the aisyah streak.

1. I'm finally doing something meaningful in my life, I've found what I want to do. My niche. I guess the secret is just to continue doing what you love, despite what others have to say about it. And believeing in your dreams no matter what.

So screw all the critics. I'm jamming to the voice within.

Anyway tdy right after metabolism lecture (which ended at 10 am!)i suddenly had the urge to get down to tampines interchange macs and have breakfast. Sya couldn't understand the happiness on my face at such an abstract idea. It was refreshing I tell ya. Just get out of the whole jin bang rat race of things and sit and stare and see normal people dealing with everyday issues. And trying to read, well, them. It was hot. Recommended to anyone who's got the urge to relax. =)

narcissistic-escapisim

ok la, the post on not being malay is a bit exaggerated. so i take it back..somewhat. i mean, you know, im still 25% javanese-sumatran.. (berkirer sak budak nie)

looked thru my kid photos. when i was like just born. and discovered some shocking things:

shock #1: I learnt how to smile when i was 4 months! and all this while i was deluded that i leart only when i was 16 when my braces fell off! (still remember farah saying "why do u look like you're in pain when you smile?!" coz i used to not show my teeth and the edges of my mouth turned down..hahahaha so somehow i forgot how to smile growing up...

shock #2: urh actually this one not shock one. it's more like a sudden realisation as i flipped thru the pages. at 4 i was still celebrating my birthday with a huge 4-shaped bday cake with my parents and aunts and uncles at my granny's hse..katerkan..eldest cousin kan..so macam growing up with so many ppl doting on you...

and then suddenly the people disappeared. the celebrations and outings became less. the everyone smiling to the camera happily pictures became more disparate.

and i couldn't help bursting out in tears...all these years i felt neglected not coz they didn't love me anymore and i felt that sudden form of neglect and loneliness all these years growing up with broken promises and missing people...it was the shift tt affected me. because i was given so much to begin with. the sudden loss made it feel all the more empty.

new families, work, self-developments, other commitments.

I've only realised what caused all that confusion, only now.

Just cause people don't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they can.

You dont know what you've got 'til it's gone.

The more you have, the more pain you feel when it's lost. And in the confusion you'll always have that ideal to get back the ideal of the way things were.

revival of the simplistic mind

Two things:

1. Having high expectations is a good thing only if you internalise the reasons for wanting to do so. was reading some random juniors' blogs and the memories came flooding back. what am i doing now that's so recurrent and what can i do to change anything i'd want to?

2. Having everything doesn't mean you're gonna make use of it wisely. You may even take it for granted. or worse, be riak about it.

just a constant reminder to myself.

anyway to random wierd mean people who get a perverse triumphant feeling from leaving anonymous statements on my post (including the birthday wish from last year AND the random input on my johari's window), please, if ure not gonna tell me who you are then do find something meaningful to do with ur life. it's sincerely for your own good too, you know.

i always get ideas to blog but soon forget when i sit in front of them comp. sigh, not fated la huh.

family

i'm really proud of my siblings. they're beginning to come to their own and show a sense of independence and forming their own mind and world view. which im totally in approval of.

though we may all come from totally different social circles and framework, there's just a common understanding, probably infused from our parents. its comforting somewhat, coz i just feel that my family isn't like most other malay families. we're just a little different.

i think i can place it on idealism. my parent's are those that infuse us with big ideas and ideals, and though they do acknowledge constraints like the education system and money matters, they still let us do what we feel is morally right, as well as things to maximise our potential in the long run. as individuals in all dimensions. plus the fact that we're not culturally rooted in the malay dimensions. i mean, to me being malay is a simply related to language. all those customs are mostly what third cousins practice, or my parent's colleagues if they invite us over for weddings. the malay world view is as personal to me as the reason why medieval monks keep beating themselves. well, aside from the fact that the people i sort of see often are practising it. and you don't see monks beating themselves in public nowadays.

but of course from language comes a certain understanding of how we see the world. thus romantic malay notions relating to surrounding nature, esp the beach. hehe. di tepi pantai...

pragmatism doesn't rule in my family. it's just a consequence of survival.

and even thou i've been having wierd ideas of late of settling down after marriage to become a full time housewife(it's wierd for me, trust me) i realise the best way is just what my mom's doing now. not only for the money (that aside, remember, pragmatism doesn't rule) but also for the fact that she knows what's out there, she's subjected to the real world. and she can tell us about it when she comes home to prepare dinner for us. it's a win-win situation, and i've told her that. besides, it's not about how much time you spend with your kids anyway. it's about quality time.

so in all, my family's perfect for me. just like everyone elses' is right for them.

unconfused

i had a long thought about it the long ride journey home.

I just can't seem to put a finger on it.

But for all the lack of rhyme or reason, it all boils down to one person.

Those in the know , will know.

Ultimately, i look out for three things in friends: sincerity, honesty and good values.

Call me boring and a total wet blanket but i can't laugh along and pretend everything's alright when my insides are screaming "HYPOCRITE!!!"

I've decided on a new stand: that i'll enter and continue to enter ppl's lives on a good note from now on. and those that i really don't know how to deal with will stay stagnant until sthg positive comes along to enter into their lives again.
lives just too short to waste on wasting time.
I know what I want now so don't pity me. I'm much happier being alone. Rather be alone and understanding myself than being hypocritical with a million friends.

And by hypocrite, i mean ME.

SNAP.

All you FREAKING MATS who call needlessly at random hours of the night asking for my sister to flirt with and to talk to, please i beg you, do just plainly find better things to do with your time.

Kau ni pun samer la dilah. Kau gi layan diorang sumer buat pe, hah. Balik-balik buat kawan aje tak de salah ah tapi kau gi fikiiiir la panjang-panjang jauh jauh sikit. Buat kawan tu ader baiknyer la. Tapi kau sendiri mestipun ader pendirian sendiri ah.

And mr muhammad imran bin mustapha please get your BUTT back home this instant right NOW! how DARE you leave for tioman just 1 week after your habis BMT with your flinging friends! i didn't even see your straight (straighter than my leper one anyway) batang hidung much at home before you went hooray hooraying away with your new found friends.

alah KAK it's all YOUR fault la. can't you see. if you hadn't been so busy with OTHER WORK which is apparently more important than your family then of coz he's gonna think so and do so. all you can do is write a measely testimonial for him. bearing all the dirty secrets. He was home the whole weekend while you were outside doing stuff for other people.

Your own brother. neglected.

Mass people of society, do NOT neglect your family. At the end of the day, your life, you'll feel empty dying without knowing how much you can really know them.

please lah aisyah. that only applies to you can?

honesty

As much as i'd like to admit that I've been honestly telling you everything that I would want to in my previous posts, it's come to make me realise that I've been unwittingly self-censoring myself according to whom I feel would get slighted or read too much into my words.

And it's not that I'd not want to express myself clearly, but I guess as of late the whole world would be intertwined in my thoughts and as to avoid abovementioned situation i have resorted to complaning about the most mundane and obvious.

Maybe it's just in my nature to be uptight and polite and non-expressive, especially in negative situations. As much as I'd like to be direct and open and expect others to think i'm trying to just be constructive, you'd have to adjust your level of criticism and tone according to the person whom your talking to. And considering the multiple roles that I've come to realise I play towards different people it's just not me at the moment to express myself in one single way. I mean, I don't think it's hypocritical. I'm still me. But the way i tell things out would differ according to whom i talk to. And I have no idea who reads my blog.

Yes, I try to understand and get everyone to see eye to eye. That's why I usually end up trying to get the person whom I'm talkin to to see the opposing view when I'm actually supposed to be comforting her/him. I tend to take the neutral stand. the one in which everyone wins. some people might take it as a loser way out. the people pleasing way. but ultimately you're not able to move ahead without having the mandate of people around you, without their support and trust.

everything's just a blur right now.

torn

i will not feel sorry for myself.

many uncertainties for the future. heedless to say about schoolwork. dreams being put on hold. misunderstandings that lead to nonsensical bickering. growing apart. growing up. growing tensions with matters left unsaid. and a growing friendship that might not break even in the end.=(

at least my family's been much happier=)


All this too will pass.

bleargh

some people are just SO irritating. Just SO freaking irritating. I mean, wth, i'm just trying to help you to see your point and GET through to you but you know what, more than simply pushing me away you turn your back and start pointing fingers at me. FINE. Maybe i've irritated you enough to get through to you. Maybe you just don't see the point of sharing anything with me. Maybe you just have given up on me trying to understand you coz i don't respect you not wanting to tell me anything in the first place.

FINE.

the same old thang

well my bro did as he expected and I'm glad he's happy. Alhamdulillah. What's next is totally left to him to decide. Maybe a scholarship overseas.

Anyway I'm supershocked at some stuff i just saw on frenster. I know i'm always living in my own bubble and need to like awaken myself..and that's how people like me are perceived by "others"..but on the other hand, there's also a case of space. breaks. to define yourself and what you're not.

understanding is the key.

not being judgemental.

U gotta be kidding rite?

Miracles can happen if u believe. Today i managed to join the discussion on 17th century porn without actually feeling self-conscious or blushing about it. way cool eh? haha.

ok, before anyone bereaves on the hypocrisy attached to tudung girls these days again (looks solemnly at mars)..relax...it's just for this mod tt i'm taking discussing love poetry. apparently in their time there were two extreme schools of thought: that love was carnal and just all about sexual pleasure,nothing more, while another school of thought was that love was something constantly seeking for a higher spiritual end, considered platonic love. (it's amazing how the meaning has evolved up until tdy eh? haha. platonic now means nothing gg on..budden hmm, can also mean tt theres no sexual relations but just simply love for the sake of each other)

so yup..we were discussing poetry on both..all about dealing with emotions..no clear cut rules on that sometimes..

haha arly and me were sharing that having old chang kee in school is actually a ploy by the government to increase the number of babies made in singapore. I mean, everyone knows that OCK makes u simply FAT, putting on layers of blubber. and fats are actually a good storage medium for hormones, apart from the usual ones that give u muscles and makes u lie under stress, there's your beloved sex hormones, oestrogen and testosterone. so indirectly by giving us means to eat and get fat, we'd have higher levels of sex hormones and as such...(you do the logic here)...would have higher chances of falling in love (romantically speaking) and (God forbid, no extramarital affairs please, =P) get married and wallah have KIDS!


So moral of the story is, next time you buy a stick of sotong balls or crab meat at ur frenly YIH OCK, remember that it's actually the government's scheme to make you, yes YOU, have more babies. and to think they planted that time bomb right under our very innocent noses.

now im wondering if i should let the opposition in on that so tt they can have yet another rhetorical debate on how we're decreasing the level of intellectualism and thus affecting the process maturation of society in singapore by encouraging our undergrads to engage in such whimsical premarital affairs.


oh oh and you know the line that says
"all cute guys are either attached, married, or gay."?

well, i could always vouch for the first two. But now, maybe I'm enlightened to the whole phrase. For those who know what's been happening of late, you do the math. I really dunnow where to put my face man.

oh and had a good time catching up with Adila mohc. maybe a one-on-one is just my style of things. or maybe i just need to get rid of clutter whenever i chillout with ppl.

'A' level results tmr! goooot luck to my bro, and every everyone else!!=)

Ok i finally caved in! haha.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Siti+Aisyah

do let me know who you are thou! =) then i'll do yours!! wayy cool rite?

oh and i wanted to write a poem tt went sthg like this:


shucks. pantun-fright. arhhh!

Piece of Life

Was having an internship meeting yesterday morning and it just struck me how vulnerable the whole project was. We've never tried it out before and it's totally brand new, all theory and not yet put into practical. Yet at the same time, most of those working on it do believe in it, and so do I, and as such I have strong faith that thing would work out.

I mean, ideally, isn't all that we do based on working towards ideals? That particular mindframe, state of mind, idea of how things should be run? That we strive hard in our lives, personal goals, relationships, studies, outside stuff such as this, to ensure that what we can do to make things the way we feel they should be implemented into our lives and our surroundings?

Thinking about it, MS and any other organisation is really a platform to try out your ideas, cause even when you say community service, but wouldn't that be UNDER an external organisation, and you'd be running under their agenda rather than your own? Where else can you get together with a group of like minded friends to push forward what you collectively believe in? To set your own agenda, push forward together and strive for what you all think is good all around? To bring forth your OWN ideas for society.

Thus my dear juniors, don't be disheartened from the past if some things/events don't work out the way you want it to be. If you've got ideas/suggestions and changes you'd want to implement, don't let anything stop you. Step forward, be brave and work together with your peers to make it happen..the way you want it to be. This is all about YOU, all about US trying to make a difference. Cause isn't life all about striving for what we believe in is right?

Ultimately, the one who will make the change is the one who dares to take risks, step forward and go the extra mile to make things happen.. with that particular idea in mind to make it happen, with calculated risks and sound judgement..

And you'll always have your peers to support you..

honesty

i love people who are honest to me. Who know that despite what no matter what happens, sometimes it's more important for the truth to happen and be out then for me(and many others) to be living my life without that extra guidance from a true friend.

Thanks filzah:) and thanks sha for setting that beautiful example..you're inspiring just being who you are, and i'm really glad you did what you did..*hugs*hehe=) dun be so overwhelmed k..relax..

i realise it now, that i've got to be so much braver and stronger than who i really am right now..and definitely for the very right reasons..not just to make things work the way i believe they should be but for the bigger purpose..all for Him...

In pieces.

I can practically DIE of guilt right now..Did sthg that I SO wasn't supposed to do..Totally made the wrong decision and made the wrong moves..this is definitely one example when agression totally didn't play a part..screw what they taught us..ppl aren't necessarily as agressive with what they think when they ought to be...ARGH! And ultimately the one to blame is the one who put front the idea..don't u watch the apprentice?


I'm feeling rather *beep* at the way things are right now, and depressed that things can't change so easily.

But I do realise that ultimately it's really not abt me at all, but the whole set up of things.











_________________________________
And this is what I want, but not what I expect..totally...I'm happy but not in bliss..maybe we're both takin too much of calculated risks..and i can't bail out coz for once there's no valid reason to do so..

Confuscious said...

Forewarned: This is gonna get messy, as the author just wants to get her thoughts out to ppl whom whe won't meet in due time coz of their respective busy schedules and so it's not a pretty pretty post but more of a random update.

____________________
Anyhoos!

Today was such a good day! And so was yesterday!
I hate having good days coz if i'm not careful it'll taper off to slackerish-dom and everything would go tongang terbalik!

my definition of a good day is anyhow when i manage to do what i wanna on tt day itself as well as manage to look out for considerable possibilities of what i wanna do next for time ahead.
usually it involves people..i like making connections with people and knowing tt sthg constructive came out of my interactions with them.
and doing new things...i guess only my sec sch frens can really understand the extent of the change within me..sometimes i feel that time is just running so short to do all that i wanna do!

reflections:

1) it's so easy to criticise but not to do, so easy to manage but not to lead, so easy to think but not to implement.
2) i can get super bossy at times and i'm really sorry to those people tt I mught have turned off. EQ, EQ, EQ.
3) self regulation.speaks for itself.keep thinking, keep improving, keep doing.
4) i think i might be moving too fast.and sometimes what u thought u knew aint seem so familiar anymore. i dont wanna lose friendships and yes the bond might be fractured and maybe the ideal picture i had of us all growing old together and sharing bonding stories aint so clear anymore but i think people change and have to set their priorities right based on what they feel is impt..but can ppl still be close when their values and priorities change so much? i mean ultimately its all abt the communication right?
5) i wanted to do the window on mars' blog but my version but knowing me i'll take so much time analysing everythin and i'd end up getting even more confused than giving me a clearer pict of who i am. MUAHA.
6) i dont know how u can feel comfortable with someone tt u barely know, even more so than frens uve known much longer, but i guess tt happens. but i dun wanna think too mugh abt it now.
7) I HAVE SO MUCH SCHOWRK TO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

ok tt last pt wasnt really a reflection, anyhows i'll be mugging in sci lib 24/7 next few days so care to drop by and join me if u wish. ta!!

Spread the love.

Beautiful day. I love the people around me. =)

Everyone has their own strengths, you just have to learn and appreciate them for who they are.

LOve love loVe. =)

Wake up call

She turned to me and asked,"Are you gonna S/U this module?" Which translates to: ARe you going to take this module seriously, cause if you're not, i think we have some serious negotiation to do here.

I guess I shouldn't be so stunned by her blatant question. It's been like that since the beginning of time. Only people move at a faster speed nowadays.

Your importance is measured by what you can give to people, whether it's intentional or not, your actions, deeds and involvement with them has to be a positive impact on them. Friendships have suffered in the past cause of neglect and too much negative criticism...

So yea.

And to you please, no games. I know where I stand. For now. :)

Nursery rhyme

It doesn't matter what they think
It doesn't matter what they say
As long as I'm happy with my life
I'm not going throught with it all the way.

Random things tt matter

I have a million and one things to do right now, and people pulling me in all directions. Yesterday morning woke and stared at the ceiling for fifteen whole minutes redrawing out my four concentric circles of priorities.

But it still didnt end out on the right note..hmm..prolly coz i didnt get much done after I left for school...;( I have to be consistent this sem and not imagine for some miracle wonderous extra brain implanted just before term tests and exams..

help.

should we help those that blatantly need help, or those that dont think they do need help but somehow we can advance their lives so that there will be more people like them to help others who'd need help?

i find it awkward to ignore someone tt I know from previous encounters, but if that particular someone has been ignoring me for the past one and a half years everytime we meet, what make's me think this time would be any different? there's only sucha level tt anyone can take, and furthermore, i just kinda realised tt for frens to happen, the effort has to be mutual. so mutual it is.


execution was good, planning i have no idea yet, and personally i think things could have been done better on my part. but its always the case isnt it. saw many cases of damsels in distress. and got really irritated by a few huge male egos.

i hate (gender) stereotypes, since i've been breaking them from the day I was born.

Here I go again. berbelit-ing.

Everything takes time. Children grow and learn, societies evolve (for better or worse), seasons change...ok la ok la i've lost my point.

All I'm saying is this hasnt been occuring just coz it's happened at this moment in time. It's a process, a system that has been passed down for the last few years. Don't you think we're all aware of it? Don't you see how hard it is for the system, for a whole organisation to change it's way of working just like that? I hate to put the blame on anyone, and as those most in control of the situation, the power to change is rightfully and moralistically ours to acknowledge.

Yet things have to been seen in the context of the situation and personalities that brought about the 'crisis' so called.

Personally, I've always taken the backseat to a strong way of working. I've always let others taken charge when things are going right, and only move forward if i see no one else is doing the job or when ive been told to do sthg. like in rgs, in tpjc drama, interact...I guess I've only woken up when I left jc.

Now things are different and I'm still learning. From the way I see it, we can either run forward or sink. as the ones before us did.

but while we're at it, trust us that we'd put in our heart and soul.